Racing thoughts. 

Laying here at 1:30 in the morning unable to sleep. I can’t seem to turn off my thoughts. I wonder if you’re sleeping or awake dealing with your own thoughts. These sleepless nights I have, always lead to thinking of you. I think back and think ahead. What it was like and how it could be. I wonder how life is so simple at times (sunshine and sweet tea) and so complicated at others (moving, pill addiction and affairs). Simple truths like loving someone so much; tangled and wrapped into complicated situations like (again), loving someone so much. Loving you (YAY) but loving you (OUCH). I get to talk TO you everyday (Yay) but I don’t get to talk WITH you (Ouch). I try really hard to always see a glass as half full and usually go above and beyond that in being thankful for having a glass at all, but it’s hard sometimes. I want to fill your glass. In person. I want to repair your empty. In person. You have been this giver/solver/fixer/repairer in your family forever. I have been this peace keeper in mine. I’ve been a silent wall builder. Building a wall to protect my emotions. My kids and your kids keep us going through the motions. Anyone will tell you not to stay married for kids. Wish it were that simple. You’re an excellent father. I admire you for your hard work. Your effort. Your unwillingness to quit. You inspire me to keep trying when I want to just drop and cry. I love that you share your needs, wants, desires and dreams with me. I love that I’m the one you trust with all that information. I love that you trust me with all that information. I’m so thankful that I get to be that person for you.  I’m babbling. Tonight was a bad night. I had 60 pills. I had them in my purse for my migraine I had last week. I took four. Two Wednesday night and two Thursday. That leaves 57.  

I now have five. He will never change. Ever.