Racing thoughts. 

Laying here at 1:30 in the morning unable to sleep. I can’t seem to turn off my thoughts. I wonder if you’re sleeping or awake dealing with your own thoughts. These sleepless nights I have, always lead to thinking of you. I think back and think ahead. What it was like and how it could be. I wonder how life is so simple at times (sunshine and sweet tea) and so complicated at others (moving, pill addiction and affairs). Simple truths like loving someone so much; tangled and wrapped into complicated situations like (again), loving someone so much. Loving you (YAY) but loving you (OUCH). I get to talk TO you everyday (Yay) but I don’t get to talk WITH you (Ouch). I try really hard to always see a glass as half full and usually go above and beyond that in being thankful for having a glass at all, but it’s hard sometimes. I want to fill your glass. In person. I want to repair your empty. In person. You have been this giver/solver/fixer/repairer in your family forever. I have been this peace keeper in mine. I’ve been a silent wall builder. Building a wall to protect my emotions. My kids and your kids keep us going through the motions. Anyone will tell you not to stay married for kids. Wish it were that simple. You’re an excellent father. I admire you for your hard work. Your effort. Your unwillingness to quit. You inspire me to keep trying when I want to just drop and cry. I love that you share your needs, wants, desires and dreams with me. I love that I’m the one you trust with all that information. I love that you trust me with all that information. I’m so thankful that I get to be that person for you.  I’m babbling. Tonight was a bad night. I had 60 pills. I had them in my purse for my migraine I had last week. I took four. Two Wednesday night and two Thursday. That leaves 57.  

I now have five. He will never change. Ever. 


9 thoughts on “Racing thoughts. 

  1. Love these thoughts. Every time I read I realize someone else is living my life. My husbands choice is alcohol, not pills. But it’s all the same.

    And it’s complicated by the fact that my kids are now mostly grown and “his” are still young.

    How I wish I could be the one after all these years to kiss him goodnight. It will be seven years in August.

    On Monday, March 7, 2016, Being Her, (the other woman)… wrote:

    > Being ‘Her’ posted: “Laying here at 1:30 in the morning unable to sleep. I > can’t seem to turn off my thoughts. I wonder if you’re sleeping or awake > dealing with your own thoughts. These sleepless nights I have, always lead > to thinking of you. I think back and think ahead. W” >

  2. Ask yourself this; would you want this same relationship for your children? How would you advise them years down the track … if they were miserable … if they could see no light at the end of the tunnel. Would you tell them “this is it!” “this is all you can hope for!” … ? Life lessons do not come cheap. I will misquote this for sure … but the definition of insanity? … doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
    The universe is expecting more of you … you are being taught the same lesson over and over … until the lesson is learned.
    And once the lesson is learned?
    All is good?
    But that lesson is learned.
    I don’t believe childrenfv thank us for our dishonesty. I believe the best lesson you can teach your children is honesty … to live an authentic and happy life. Your own happiness is the greatest gift you can give your children.
    Most will disagree with me … but I have walked your path and though my story is not hearts and flowers, I know I made the authentic choice. I also know that all three of my children are ultimately richer for this decision. Was their life easy? No.
    But it is real. They accept what I once thought was unacceptable. And they are happy.
    You are not responsible for ANY other life other than your own. Yes you are a mother. Yes it is your responsibility to provide shelter, food and love. But sacrificing your own life and happiness will always detrimental to their health. They will never thank you for it.

  3. I can’t tell you how much I agree with Sonnet. I have spent almost 17 years in a marriage that was tense at best…and unbearable at its worst. 3 years ago I was ready to walk and he begged me to stay. He promised to change…only to go back to business as usual once I agreed. I have 5 children and I kept telling myself I had to stay for them. It was for the best. I’ve finally decided that I have to leave FOR them. The thought of my sons treating a woman the way their dad has treated me is abhorrent to me and the thought of my only girl letting a man treat her the way I have been treated breaks my heart in a way I can’t put into words. Will it be easy? Nope. I can only pray it will be worth it

  4. I cannot stress how everytime I read something you post i see small pieces of myself. I admire you for holding in and you inspire me to as well. I never understood why people stay for their kids as my person does i just hope that one day you both say fuck it and just do it. Until then ill still have hope for you and myself

  5. You’re comment about talking TO him everyday but never talking WITH him… It sounds like your HIM still opens up to you, still shares his feelings and emotions. Mine… I feel like I only get to talk to a shell of the man I once knew.

    Last November, I told him I needed him to not call me all the time as it always left me sad. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done but I was proud of myself for being strong enough to take back control of our communications. I said he could call if he really needed me and it seems every few weeks he calls with the premise of something important; a minor surgery or a job he may consider taking or that he’ll be out of the country on vacation with the guys so if I tried to reach him, he wouldn’t get the message. Kind of amusing since I never call him. All of this is sweet as I know they are just excuses to talk.

    And since we are on the phone anyways we do talk, sometimes for hours, but it’s always such a surface conversation. Work, projects he’s doing around his new house, his adult kids, our parents’ health, etc. Updates and FYIs and helpful ideas on getting better WiFi signal. But I have no idea if he’s happy, how things are going with working towards the real marriage he deserves… whether he also misses our friendship or has any concern for my happiness. I suppose him calling is a way of answering the last two, but I miss his enthusiasm, his excitement in his urgency to share the good, the bad and the mundane. I miss listening to his thought process or being each other’s sounding boards. I miss him coming to me for advice or sharing his fears and concerns with me.

    We talk TO each other, but never WITH each other. And it breaks my heart every time I hear his voice.

  6. Do you think it’s possible to be friends with your MM, even after the affair is over? Is it harder? Is it with it? Does it ease the pain or does it make it worse? I am torn and lost. Your blog has helped a tremendous amount. Please help!!

    • We talk everyday. We just don’t see each other like we used too. It’s just too hard. I think talking eases the pain of not having anything with him but I do t see it ever being what it was.

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