Still here.

Nothing is new.  My life is still insanely busy.  I can barely keep up.  Being a mom to many and running your own business can be a lot.  So much has changed.  My three oldest kids are living on their own, two of which are married with babies!! :0)  Leaving my younger four still living at home.  Between work, life, and day to day to do list’s I attend their sports.  Volleyball.  Softball.  Rugby.  Tennis. Lacrosse.  I. AM. SO. TIRED.  And yes that baby of mine is now a week away from being two.  I don’t know if she is worse than all my others or if being 41 and having a two year old is what makes it harder.  All I know is she is everything I deserve when looking at the likeliness of Karma being a real thing.  Holy shit. Seriously.  I love her though.  From her toes to the tips of her curly wild hair.

I know I know… the above part isn’t what you are wanting to read. You want to know about HIM.  You guys are so faithful in your emails.  I try and reply I swear.  About your emails and my replies, I need to make a post on that!  Talk about some of your complex stories!  Wow!  You guys email me and I have to read your emails three and four times in complete disbelief and speechlessness when you ask me to reply with advice.  UMMMMM I don’t know what to do when your husband walks in on you showing your new bra to your boyfriend who happens to be his cousin and you all end up in jail, after which you end up having an affair with the District Attorney!  I’m just kidding-that isn’t really an email that I received, however they are some crazy situations!

Okay I’m rambling.  Maybe I’m trying to avoid crying.  Nothing is different.  I know that bores you and that isn’t what you want to read.

I think last I mentioned they were talking about moving out of state.  Well he found a job that really wants him.  His wife is on again and off again in wanting him to take it.  I totally get it and her feelings.  Everything she knows is here.  Their kids are all in school here with family here. It, (I imagine), is VERY hard to up and leave everything for a job that is in another state where you know nothing or anyone.  But the offer they gave him was amazing. The best job offer he has ever had.   Of course he says she is torn for different reasons, (which as a wife and mother I COMPLETELY get).  She is on the fence about moving her children.  Taking them out of their schools and that state that is the only  state they have known.  He said he’d go out first and find a place and get situated and let them finish school and move them out there in May.  One day she is for it, and the next she is against it.  And she swings.  Daily. He says he understands her basic feelings of hesitation.

The thing is I am super proud of him.  He always tries to better himself. Work hard at work and get things done.  Teach.  Take classes to better himself and when he feels stuck or like there is no movement at the job he is at he actively looks for new work and he has moved up in income and titles like you are supposed to strive to do.  I love that about him.  I fail to see that with my husband.  He would stay stagnant forever if he was comfortable.  That drives me crazy. Day to day. Easy come easy go.  Well that works for Jimmy Buffet but for the rest of us…..   it gets flipping old.

As you can imagine this has caused a storm of emotions in me.   Excited for him.  Proud of him. Happy for him. He deserves this.  He really, really does.  Regardless of his actions with me, he has worked very hard in life and truly deserves this job.  HOWEVER.  In telling him how very proud of him I am and how excited I am for him, my heart seriously feels like it is being ripped out of my body.  Now some of you get it. You’ve been here and walked in these shoes and have had to say goodbye or walk away.  Then,  some of you are laughing and telling your computer screens, “serves you right you stupid B….” we’ve been through this before.  I was the woman that judged others.  Pointed my fingers and said, “OH I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR”…. until you do.  So simmer down finger pointer. The comments don’t affect me anymore.  Because I was that commenter.

 

Yes, I’m sad.  Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I keep crying. Thing is nothing really will change.  We rarely see each other now, yet we talk every single day. Talking to him every single day isn’t going to change.  That will continue.  But knowing he isn’t 15 minutes away and that he is several states away is sad.  However lets be honest, I won’t dread running into them at a sporting event or restaurant anymore! :0)  However, I won’t be running into just him in some beautiful hotel room on the 9th floor overlooking the snow capped mountains either.  Of course this is just the icing on the emotional cake.  There have been a ton of conversations, and a ton of tears and evil hateful jealousy that wishes she’d tell him to go and to take his kids with him because she still wants a divorce approximately every eight weeks. But then that is that green in me.  At the end of the day he isn’t mine.

Oh and my husband…. same shit, different day.

Love to you all.  Thank you all for still being here.

-her

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13 thoughts on “Still here.

  1. Thank you for the update..

    .

    I don’t ever remember reading that you were pregnant. And had a two year old… That keeps you very busy

    Not that you have to tell ME everything about ME

    EVERYTHING about YOU.

    My guy lives 1 1/2 hr away. ..

    He really surprised me today when he email to me this morning email and text everyday if she’s taken on a part-time job and he is a runner and I’m too tired to even check in.. I don’t know if this was good etiquette..

    I did ask him how long was he gone on vacation with his wife he said 10 days Talk about scary..

    I try to imagine that he is in the service and that just a little well he will be back

    We are. Close to 60..he is retired

    I think we a very good full time 🕙 friends

    And passionate pt 💏 lovers..

    Keep in touch..

    On Tuesday, November 1, 2016, Being Her, (the other woman)… wrote:

    > Being ‘Her’ posted: “Nothing is new. My life is still insanely busy. I > can barely keep up. Being a mom to many and running your own business can > be a lot. So much has changed. My three oldest kids are living on their > own, two of which are married with babies!! :0) Leavi” >

  2. I am in my second relationship with a married man. The first one lasted 3 years and the current one has lasted only 6 months..(and I’ve known him longer. He was my first love). Its killing me to let him go, but I cant sit back and be second to his wife. Even if he says I’m first, he goes home to her every night. The thought of the two of them sharing a bed drives me insane! He says they don’t have any type of a sexual relationship any longer. Its just most of being comfortable and the fact that “that is his house” is the reason he doesn’t leave. Please tell me breaking it off is the best thing I could do. PS….I am separated and my soon to be ex sounds like your husband! NO AMBITION

  3. How do you move on from this? Is it easier if you’re still friends, or harder? Does having someone else (a spouse,) even if they aren’t really there for you, make it any easier??? I’m really trying to move on, but I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. I want to be his friend, but right now it’s beyond hard. But I want to stay in his life because I genuinely care for him. But I find myself stuck somewhere between letting go and moving on, and just waiting for him. I know he’ll never be free, but I still find myself knowingly & optimistically hoping for a future, waiting in the wings, being here-available. Yet, I want to find a love for me, who wants only me, who is looking for me to be the one. I want the Hallmark fairy tale ending for me, too. So tell me, what do I need to do to move on from him, without letting him go?

    Heidi

    >

    • Ugh. That is the magic question. I so know the bubble I float in between letting go and moving on. At the end of the day my caring for and loving him exceeds my desires to find someone else. It’s just not him and that’s all I can focus on. I have no answers. I never in a million years thought talking to someone online would lead to FIVE years of my life. Some would say five years of being second. Five years of waiting. I say five years of having a best friend and laughing a lot. Five years of proof that someone really knows me. Five years to watch time and time again my heart hurt and HIM make me feel better simply by being him and listening. So if this is how the next five years go well I guess that’s okay. I laugh and smile at the days end and I’m thankful for him. Could it be better? Sure. Could it be worse? Hell yes. But I remember crying behind my bedroom door so sad and lonely and heartbroken when I thought it was over. I have never felt pain like that. To have to play happy. Okay okay. It was worse by far.

  4. I’m so happy you are back!!!! I have missed you and been so worried about you. I think about you often and ache for you. Not only because of “him” but because of your marriage and your hectic life. But happy despite how tired you probably are, that you are finding joy in motherhood. Anyway, thanks for coming back to us!

    • Awww thanks! It’s so weird to have strangers say they’re glad I’m back. I feel like a boring person lol surprised that total strangers could miss me. Thank you for your thoughts and kind words ❤️

  5. I actually cried when I read this. I too have a married man which I love. We both want each other but can’t because of the other halfs in our lives. He is only 40 minutes or so away from me but he may as well be a state or a counter away. We use to see each other every day, flirt in the halls, I’d sit on his desk and tease him and we would piss off out for lunch and all sorts. We never slept together but we have a deep emotional bond with each other. I was tonight feeling really sad, missing him really needing him but I’m trying this new thing where I don’t send six to seven messages I just wait for him to reply. I feel hopeless and sad and I miss him so much. He claims he can tell when I’m upset or sad. I often wonder if he’s feeling my pain now. Your blog is great. Thank you.

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