About Me

When people say that they don’t know how ‘it’ happened, that ‘it’ just kind of ‘did’- that statement couldn’t be more true.  ‘It’ happened.  I, a married, mother of many, fell in love with a married, father of many.  It started as talking… started as connecting, turned to venting, comforting, listening, laughing, learning, exploring  and ended in learning to love what you can’t have, what isn’t yours. We did nothing but talk for the first six months.  I quickly learned that I loved another man.  A married man!  I didn’t see myself as a ‘affair having person.’

My husband and I had the perfect marriage in the beginning.  He started hanging out with old friends that started a band.  The band lead to drinking and DUI’s and an addiction to pain pills.   It is a battle we still battle.  It lead to him being gone for almost two years.  It was during that time that I had my affair.   I wish I could make everything better and we have tried many times.  I haven’t given up yet. So we are working hard to save and repair our marriage.  My husband is giving up being away and his addiction (pain killers)  and I am giving up HIM, the married man I had a full blown nearly two year affair with.  Neither my husband or myself expected it to be this hard.  I miss HIM everyday. I see HIM in everything.  I will never, EVER forget HIM.  We, (HIM and I) agreed to choose our marriages and respectfully walk away from each other, remembering and loving June of 2010 until October 2011 forever.

If you are wondering what made me want to use the picture at the top of my blog, (because a lot of people have asked), It has great meaning to me.  It is just a random picture I found.  But for my life, my blog, I love this picture.   Here is why I like it.

#1.  It’s a woman and I am a woman.

#2.  She is naked.  This was important to me NOT because my blog is sexual but because it is raw and out there and nothing is covered up, everything is exposed. Like it or not this is my story.  Naked and real.

#3.  She has her arms stretched out in two directions.   I wish I was good at photo editing… I’d put a MM (married man) under one of her palms and a MH (my husband) under her other.   I love how if  their pictures or their names fell under her palms and her arms are stretched out to them, it appears to be a S-T-R-E-T-C-H or hard work to reach either man.  Which if you follow my blog you know is true.

#4.  I love that the picture is grey.  Not black (your married)  Not white, (your having an affair).   That GREY area.  That I am married, but he is never home and I loved a married man GREY area.  Does that make sense?

#5.  This may be one of the weirdest reasons I like this picture.   I am not blonde and I do not have long hair.   I like sometimes looking at my situation from outside the box.  Like my life would be someone else’s… what would I tell someone, how would I think if someone I knew was having an affair….   I know that seems crazy but I like blogging about me, but I try to make myself a character, because its so hard to well,…. talk about ourselves a lot.

So know that the picture I picked has meaning.  I love it.   I just wanted you guys to know why I picked it and why it’s important to me.

 

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59 thoughts on “About Me

  1. I was just thinking about you, I hope that you are well and that you had a wonderful day today. cant wait to hear from you.

  2. Wow, I found your blog through “If happily ever after existed” blog. I decided to check out your blog and naturally read your about me.

    I started to cry when I read it. I too am a fOW and will be writing my own blog soon which will deal with my marriage and the mental health issues I have that led to myaffair. But what you wrote struck me, most fOW or OM for that matter don’t talk about the emotions they felt for their AP, if any. Or they just talk about how horrible that person is. I admit I am angry at my fAP (and myself) but a big part of that emotion comes from the fact that I am still very heartbroken.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love my H and he is the one I want to be with, but what I felt for my AP was real, no matter what people say about affairs being “not real.”

    I just wanted to thank you for making me feel like less of a freak for still hurting.

  3. Just read your story on the side. I cannot imagine how difficult your path must have been, try to focus on how you met such an amazing man and now you and your husband are trying to repair your marriage. It’s so refreshing to read about people who try to save their marriages.

  4. Decided to ask this question here. Wanted to private message you, but couldn’t find a link. I am so not tech savvy!
    Here it is…When you write, when you post, do you hope your married man reads it? Do you know if he reads?
    I know the OW in my situation found my blog. Even though I never want any contact with her EVER agin, I hope she reads it. I want her to own her share of the damage.
    So, do you hope he reads? Just curious.
    Glad the triggers are getting easier to process. Mine are, too. Some things I just wrote off. I’ll NEVER eat at Chili’s again. I’d knaw my arm off before I ever shop at Victoria’s Secret. But, I still have to suffer through the damn commercials for both of those triggery places almost daily. After 2 years, I see them and feel disgusted briefly, then I move on. That is substantial improvement from a year ago.
    Good luck with your marriage.
    Hope & Hugs, Shawn
    http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/

    • I don’t think the man I had an affair with knows about my blog. I think he should lol being that I used to blog to him all the time when we were seeing each other. He knew I was huge into blogging, but I don’t know how he would find me. If he did, he would know it is me because I blog about things that happened. How many affairs involved a limo? I have thought sometimes what if his wife finds my blog? THAT would be bad lol. I don’t need her knowing any of the details that he didn’t choose to tell her, that I find myself having to write about to heal. One time I freaked out. I was reading blogs and came across this woman who I can’t remember what she said that for a second made me think it was his wifes blog. The dates or the times or the places of the affair, I can’t remember. However I freaked out because her blog front was this Halloween themed page. Well his wife, (and I) are CRAZY about Halloween. It is BOTH of our favorite holidays, and our favorite season and our birthday’s are on the same day right before Halloween. She is a Halloween freak so when the dates or whatever it was matched up and her page was ghosts and stuff I had this instant feeling of wanting to die b/c she had been commentning on my page and I had been responding to her. All of the sudden I felt like I wanted to see her page and freaked out when I thought it might be her. I was racing through her posts knowing it was going to be her. Freaking out about what she had read. Come to find out she had said she was pregnant in one of her posts, and I knew this couldn’t be her b/c her and her husband are both unable to have more kids. I don’t know if I would want him to read my blog. It might make him try harder to contact me and get me to respond. Knowing how many feelings I still have for him, knowing my husband is still being an ass and struggling. Its funny that you mention Chili’s… that is where I ran into his family and him on Easter. I just think my problem is his family and mine live SOOO close together, like eight minutes. So running into each other is going to happen. Not to mention we have kids that are all the same age. So movies and fairs and parks and all that crap you do with kids is all the same places. It just makes it complicated.

  5. just come across your blog today and my!!!! you know what? am going through the same thing… and its been nine years and it’s still us… we tried to separate but fate just seem to be bringing us back. and everyday is a happy but painful struggle… cause maybe one day, our spouses will know that we got back again, that it was never really over….

      • i wrote the following poem for him way back 2003, i just posted it right now on my blog. would like to share this with you too…

        Here I am caught in my thoughts,

        Trying to grasp memories yet untold

        Love came in unexpected ways

        But true love came in heartbreak and tears.

        I’m lost in a world

        Where you and I are one

        Where life is free and full of bliss

        No place for woes and gripping fears.

        Your touch, your kiss, your little thoughtful ways

        Your smile, your laughter, your big warm embrace

        They comfort and dry my tears

        As I tuck into bed, into the world of our dreams.

        Shadows of an ideal happy past

        Of youth that has eventually passed

        All these linger in my dreams

        Giving me hope and a will for living.

        Life seems so complex

        With all the twist and turns

        It is all mazes and labyrinths

        Crossroads, puzzles and make-believe.

        Just as dawn breaks into a new day

        Saying goodbye to a night I wish would stay

        I shiver to the thought of what’s to come

        To the reality that seems so cruel and oh so numb.

        But this is life, where both of us are trapped

        In tangles, in ties, that hurt and bind

        To suffer the wounds , to bear the pain

        we’ll gladly endure, as our love remains.

        Just as only at night do I see the stars

        So as only in my dreams can you truly be mine

        Nevertheless, I’ll hold on to the love

        Believing that for once, we were one.

  6. Pingback: Addictive. My personality? My blog! « work spouse story

  7. I’ve been meaning to ask this for the longest. How did your blog header come about? Are you the woman pictured? Before I read one word of your blog, the image struck me.

  8. Wow doesn’t begin to describe the feelings that surfaced just in reading your first page. Can’t wait to get the time for more. A little afraid but hopeful.

  9. I love your blog and I am so happy to nominate YOU for the Versatile Blogger Award! Please check out my acceptance post, listing your blog as a nominee for this award here: http://growinguplittle.wordpress.com/2013/11/21/versatile-thats-me/

    I hope you will decide to accept. The rules for accepting this award can be found here: http://versatilebloggeraward.wordpress.com/vba-rules/
    It is simple, fun and a great way to honour other bloggers who you appreciate as well.
    Share the love and keep up the great work!
    xoxoxox

  10. Thank you so much for writing this. It has brought me peace to read your posts and has helped me feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m very appreciative.

  11. Thank you so much for writing this. It has brought me peace to read your posts and has helped me feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m very appreciative. I found you last night when I couldn’t sleep and took your advise today. I’ve never blogged before but I started one today.

  12. I just came upon your blog, stumbled by chance while googling ‘the other woman” or something similar. I was drawn in immediately, your words, so poignant, so honest, so raw. I am the ‘Other Woman”. The feelings you have for HIM, are feelings I too have had, in the two years now we have been together, on and off. Same circumstances, very unstable, bad marriages, two lost and lonely souls, just searching for somebody to love and to BE loved. Our story, could be made into a movie, so much drama, so many intense moments. We are together now, not completely ‘out in the open” yet, there is so much going on, and taking it slowly for our kids sake. But we still dream of a day to live out in the open, and be truly US. There was a time we were trying to not be together, and the pain and loneliness you describe, Oh it is felt. I know that pain. But, I will also say, the road we took, when we both finally decided to “get out” is also not an easy one. There is a specific and very terrifying feeling that lives in the pit of your stomach knowing there is someone out there who hates you so completely, so vengefully, who is willing to do pretty much anything to ruin your life. Anyway, thank you for sharing. Thank you.

  13. I just read your blog and I want to help you, your lover, his wife and your husband. I truly do. As the wife of a man who cheats. I can tell you he was a “cereal” cheater for many, many years and I NEVER knew it. He always came home from work on time, Our love making was 5-7 times per week w//o interruption. He attended church with me EVERY Sunday and always sat with his arm around me and would nuzzle my neck and kiss me often during service and anywhere we went together. He opened my car doors, celebrated our anniversaries and always had a celebration planned for my birthdays, flowers at work, gifts for now reason, etc… If I asked for anything I got it. So, I NEVER, EVER suspected anything. When I finally found out on his millionth or more affair was when I was told by my 7 year old. “Mom, I want to quit my sport”. When I asked why, I got, “Your dad’s wife not XXXX” You see, when a woman cheats openly on a man if any of his guy friends see it they tell him. Unfortunately, when a man cheats on a woman. Everyone assumes she has it coming or already knows or doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and no one says anything. During this particular affair, after 9 months of my husband thanking me for staying home from sports practice to have dinners made so our child could make his 8pm bed time (vs. going to practice and making dinner after and him getting to bed late). He cherished my commitment to our family complimented my dinners and said how much he enjoyed being “sporty dad”. I called him on it immediately upon my son telling me (lying and saying I heard from a fellow sport parent). Defense mode kicked in and he changed from “I always sit w/ the guys” to “I always sit in the same place, maybe she has been sitting there too”, then to “I’ve never touched her, but she touches EVERYONE”. And finally to, “She’s my friend and everyone has friends of the opposite sex and I won’t give her up” (even though when I worked in a mostly male career field I was told I was not to have or keep any male friends because he had never been able to have a nonsexual relation with a woman) . This was a first for me. It was the first time someone actually told and the first time she was immediately tossed away like all of the others, like yesterday’s garbage no questions asked. Though when I finally told him how it was affecting our kid, she went to the curb as well. Then I got to see her like I saw all the others with mascara running down her cheeks starring at my husband at all the future sporting events!!! POOR THING!!! I felt it odd that I had felt sorry for her. She had sent her husband away on a job out of state promising to sell their home and join him and didn’t for 9 months. Her kids were a wreck, she had done it all for him, MY HUSBAND. She thought she was the “only” one, not one of many, many and even 2 after her. Where did she go wrong? 1. You have to know that if your extra is willing to lie to his wife to be with you, he is probably lying to you about the depth of the problems in HIS marriage. 2. AND MOST IMPORTANT, You should tell the WIFE!!! IF she would have told me~ dates, times, locations and the PROBABLE ill comments HE had made about ME AND THE “TROUBLE” IN our marriage, the FACT of his infidelity would have moved from a child being upset by lewd flirting in front of teammates to A REAL WOMAN TELLING ME MY HUSBAND WAS AN ABSOLUTE, UNDENIABLE CHEATER. My ego would have had no choice but to leave him and leave her “the spoils”. But, after meeting him at 15, giving my virginity to him a few months later, marrying him at 20, sharing “many” children with him, nearly loosing one of our children to disease together, him having a very dangerous job and having to face some of those experiences together, and the fact that everyone we know looks up to him. Led me to believe HIM that she was a sex crazed nut and he was her unwitting victim and never actually did sleep with her and certainly didn’t want to. There are 2 outcomes when “the other woman” COMES-OUT. Either the wife will leave or the couple will go into counseling and even with counseling the marriage probably has a 50/50 chance at surviving. Do the math. That’s a 75% chance the marriage will fail and “the other woman” (if she has waited in the wings) has a great chance at picking up the pieces. “What does the wife get out of this, you might ask?” She gets the piece of mind to know she wasn’t “insecure” or “paranoid” like my husband always told me when a woman’s gaze was too impertinent to be “just a glance”. It gives the wife the energy to accept (especially if she has had doubts in the past) that her husband will FOREVER be a cheater and any chance for her to have true intimacy would be with someone else, even after many children and over 20 years of marriage. Finally, I would like you to consider this. Wouldn’t your marriage, life, etc… be better if you would have just gone to your husband and tried to address your loneliness issues? Maybe if the 2 of you would have worked on your marriage you would have never had to face missing the other man at all. You would HAVE NEVER MET HIM!!! Last point I want to make, women and men do NOT cheat for the same reasons. Studies show: Women cheat looking for emotional needs. Men cheat because THEY CAN. I.e. you love your SUV and would never give it up, it gives you everything you need in a vehicle, especially with children. However, if you were given the chance to keep your SUV and drive a Maserati for free wouldn’t you???? As for me I have let spouse know in no certain terms, that I would rather be divorced than cheated on EVER again. And after finding out he was still cheating (after above incident) made good on my word and refused to leave our home with him when he retired from his first career and was preparing to move out of state for the second. To his credit, unlike throwing away each of the affair women, he begged me to come, promised to change and treat me better than I can ever imagine and that he couldn’t live without me. It has been 2 years since our move and I have NOT had to deal with anymore “long glances” nor women staring with their mascara running down their face, PRAISE GOD!!!
    Best wishes for both of us for a happy future.

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