Still here.

Nothing is new.  My life is still insanely busy.  I can barely keep up.  Being a mom to many and running your own business can be a lot.  So much has changed.  My three oldest kids are living on their own, two of which are married with babies!! :0)  Leaving my younger four still living at home.  Between work, life, and day to day to do list’s I attend their sports.  Volleyball.  Softball.  Rugby.  Tennis. Lacrosse.  I. AM. SO. TIRED.  And yes that baby of mine is now a week away from being two.  I don’t know if she is worse than all my others or if being 41 and having a two year old is what makes it harder.  All I know is she is everything I deserve when looking at the likeliness of Karma being a real thing.  Holy shit. Seriously.  I love her though.  From her toes to the tips of her curly wild hair.

I know I know… the above part isn’t what you are wanting to read. You want to know about HIM.  You guys are so faithful in your emails.  I try and reply I swear.  About your emails and my replies, I need to make a post on that!  Talk about some of your complex stories!  Wow!  You guys email me and I have to read your emails three and four times in complete disbelief and speechlessness when you ask me to reply with advice.  UMMMMM I don’t know what to do when your husband walks in on you showing your new bra to your boyfriend who happens to be his cousin and you all end up in jail, after which you end up having an affair with the District Attorney!  I’m just kidding-that isn’t really an email that I received, however they are some crazy situations!

Okay I’m rambling.  Maybe I’m trying to avoid crying.  Nothing is different.  I know that bores you and that isn’t what you want to read.

I think last I mentioned they were talking about moving out of state.  Well he found a job that really wants him.  His wife is on again and off again in wanting him to take it.  I totally get it and her feelings.  Everything she knows is here.  Their kids are all in school here with family here. It, (I imagine), is VERY hard to up and leave everything for a job that is in another state where you know nothing or anyone.  But the offer they gave him was amazing. The best job offer he has ever had.   Of course he says she is torn for different reasons, (which as a wife and mother I COMPLETELY get).  She is on the fence about moving her children.  Taking them out of their schools and that state that is the only  state they have known.  He said he’d go out first and find a place and get situated and let them finish school and move them out there in May.  One day she is for it, and the next she is against it.  And she swings.  Daily. He says he understands her basic feelings of hesitation.

The thing is I am super proud of him.  He always tries to better himself. Work hard at work and get things done.  Teach.  Take classes to better himself and when he feels stuck or like there is no movement at the job he is at he actively looks for new work and he has moved up in income and titles like you are supposed to strive to do.  I love that about him.  I fail to see that with my husband.  He would stay stagnant forever if he was comfortable.  That drives me crazy. Day to day. Easy come easy go.  Well that works for Jimmy Buffet but for the rest of us…..   it gets flipping old.

As you can imagine this has caused a storm of emotions in me.   Excited for him.  Proud of him. Happy for him. He deserves this.  He really, really does.  Regardless of his actions with me, he has worked very hard in life and truly deserves this job.  HOWEVER.  In telling him how very proud of him I am and how excited I am for him, my heart seriously feels like it is being ripped out of my body.  Now some of you get it. You’ve been here and walked in these shoes and have had to say goodbye or walk away.  Then,  some of you are laughing and telling your computer screens, “serves you right you stupid B….” we’ve been through this before.  I was the woman that judged others.  Pointed my fingers and said, “OH I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR”…. until you do.  So simmer down finger pointer. The comments don’t affect me anymore.  Because I was that commenter.

 

Yes, I’m sad.  Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I keep crying. Thing is nothing really will change.  We rarely see each other now, yet we talk every single day. Talking to him every single day isn’t going to change.  That will continue.  But knowing he isn’t 15 minutes away and that he is several states away is sad.  However lets be honest, I won’t dread running into them at a sporting event or restaurant anymore! :0)  However, I won’t be running into just him in some beautiful hotel room on the 9th floor overlooking the snow capped mountains either.  Of course this is just the icing on the emotional cake.  There have been a ton of conversations, and a ton of tears and evil hateful jealousy that wishes she’d tell him to go and to take his kids with him because she still wants a divorce approximately every eight weeks. But then that is that green in me.  At the end of the day he isn’t mine.

Oh and my husband…. same shit, different day.

Love to you all.  Thank you all for still being here.

-her

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HEADS! or HEADLIGHTS!

images

It’s a quiet evening.  My kids played their sports today.  I did the mom thing.  You know where you get the kids to the fields with all their crap, your chair to watch, the dogs, the baby, the umbrella the Starbucks, (yes the Starbucks) and you sit down and realize you forgot your phone, or sunglasses or sunblock?  Yes to all of the above.  You look down to remove your flip flop to put your toes in the warm soft grass and realize your flip flop has baby puke on it, causing you to look at the baby and then look at the trail of puke running from her perfect smile all down your front when THAT mom (you know the mom) walks up to you to hand you the snack schedule.  Her and her snack schedule that is printed on her personalized stationary with her little C for Crissy or something prissy at the top.  You know, the puke free paper.  Pissy I mean Crissy looks at your baby and says, “What a beautiful baby girl, I sure don’t miss THOSE days as she sees the puke that is running down your miss buttoned shirt.  This my friends is Karma.   Karma has taken a big huge bite out of my ass for having my shit together a year ago at the football fields and being a Crissy.  This newborn thing, (okay she is five months old) is harder at 40 than it was at 26.  I promise when my Crissy status returns to offer to hold, help and tell my puke covered stories to the moms that look as if they want to run into traffic with their daughters lacrosse stick screaming.

On a more psycho note I threw a coffee cup at my husbands truck.

Yeah I’m not sure where my common sense has gone.   I think it may have fallen out of my vagina five months ago when I gave birth to my daughter.   I was in the driveway and he was in the garage.  The lawn guy had put all my flowers that he was going to plant that day on the edge of the driveway up by the garage door next to the flower bed and yep, you guessed it.  My husband pulled out of the drive way and ran over $310 dollars worth of flowers. He couldn’t hear me or the flower squashing apparently with his fucking death metal music on, (yes he still listens to that crap) and I swear it was reflexes.  My coffee cup flung.  I don’t know what shocked me more.  The fact that I threw it or the fact that my lawn guy looked like he shit his pants because he was the fucking moron who put the flowers in front of the garage door.  Now, my husbands truck is a work truck, aka a piece so it wasn’t a big deal but my point is LOOK.   He swears he couldn’t see them, I say our kids play in the driveway all the time.  Know what is in front of you or behind you prior to putting your car in drive.  I’m telling you absolutely all respect after affairs and pills and everything else has flown out the window in this relationship.

In the world of HIM, he is getting a new job that he starts Monday.  I haven’t seen him in FOREVER, seriously forever but we still talk.  Right or wrong it is my sanity.  Normal conversation.  How are you?  How was your day?  How was your weekend?  Do you have any plans tonight?  How are your kids, (that I miss so much)? Do you remember when we….  That one time was so funny when…..   I sure miss when we…..   UGH.   His wife and him are no different,  my husband and I are no different we are all four just going through the motions.  Focusing on kids, sports and life.   Occasionally waiving through our computer screens.

I wonder if you constantly have someone to waive to if things at home can ever get better.  I seriously think that if they are to get better I have to WANT them to get better.   In a way I do, but I want my husband to get better first.  Pain pills lead down a very ugly road for an addict.  A road that  seems to go in a circle in my life.

Enough bitching.

My kids are great.  They are what brings me huge joy.  I still love blogging, reading, cleaning, yes my OCD still has me cleaning like a mad woman.  My schedule is still jammed packed because it is the only way I don’t stop and think.  When I stop and think my anxiety is out of control.  I have a daughter that is starting to drive and plays volleyball, my other daughter plays lacrosse, my son plays rugby and I have my new baby.  The oldest three have all moved out.  Thats another blog post in itself.  Its so weird when your kids move out.  Suddenly you feel alone.  Like the schedules that you jam packed your daytime with are starting to open up.  They are grown.  Dating and paying their own rent.  Holding jobs and buying cars.  I guess I did somethings right.   I just make myself stay busy.  And if I make myself busy and the subject is always my kids then I am happy.  And when I am happy I’m less likely to throw coffee cups at vehicles.

Too tired to proof read this…..

One day my life will slow down a bit.

I’m still here.   Your comments and emails still come to my phone!  :0)  Thank you for all of them.  My life is spinning right now.  I feel like half the time I need to stop and catch my breath.  Thank you for all your kind comments and for following.  Has anything changed at home?  Yes and no.  With HIM?  Yes and no.  

Getting close to my due date!  Ten more weeks!  Exciting!  It’s a girl.  Not sure that I posted that or not.  I’m excited and ready to meet her.  

Just know I am here.  Just know I see and read everything that comes to me and I try try try to reply to each of you.   I just haven’t had the time to sit down and actually blog about me.  Soon.  LOL oh wait, soon I’ll have a newborn.  UGH.  

 

Yes I miss HIM. 

Yes I talk to HIM.

No I haven’t seen HIM, (in forever).  I’d be afraid to see him.   I think it would hurt too much.  Talking is somehow…. enough. 

My husband?  Pills are less of a battle.  I just like always can’t close the distance that we both created.  Sigh. 

More soon, I promise. 

A song I heard today that hit home.

Unknown

Tell me have you ever wanted
Someone so much it hurts?
Your lips keep trying to speak
But you just can’t find the words
Well I had this dream once;
I held it in my head

She was the purest beauty
But not the common kind
She had a way about her
That made you feel alive
And for a moment
We made the world stand still

Yeah, we owned the night

You had me dim the lights;
You danced just like a child
The wine spilled on your dress

And all you did was smile
Yeah, it was perfect
I hold it in my mind

Yeah, we owned the night

When the summer rolls around
And the sun starts sinking down
I still remember you
Oh, I remember you
And I wonder where you are

Are you looking at those same stars again?
Do you remember when?

We woke under a blanket
All tangled up in skin
Not knowing in that moment
We’d never speak again
But it was perfect;
I never will forget
When we owned the night

Yeah, we owned the night

(We Owed the Night, Lady Antebellum)

Hello my blogging friends!

I am here but my life has been insane. 

My best friends baby died of sids.  She was six weeks old.  It has been heartbreaking. 

My family is doing great. 

I’ve gotten a ton of emails from all of you asking when I will blog again, and I promise I will get back to it.  I miss you all.   I miss reading blogs more though.   I just have three of my kids playing sports and my business gets a little crazy in the summer.   Know I am here and I am good!  Keep up your blogging so I have a great amount to read and catch up on when I get back!