Now they wait.
They might take flight again.
The day his breath flows through my ear and sends them flying.
It’s a quiet evening. My kids played their sports today. I did the mom thing. You know where you get the kids to the fields with all their crap, your chair to watch, the dogs, the baby, the umbrella the Starbucks, (yes the Starbucks) and you sit down and realize you forgot your phone, or sunglasses or sunblock? Yes to all of the above. You look down to remove your flip flop to put your toes in the warm soft grass and realize your flip flop has baby puke on it, causing you to look at the baby and then look at the trail of puke running from her perfect smile all down your front when THAT mom (you know the mom) walks up to you to hand you the snack schedule. Her and her snack schedule that is printed on her personalized stationary with her little C for Crissy or something prissy at the top. You know, the puke free paper. Pissy I mean Crissy looks at your baby and says, “What a beautiful baby girl, I sure don’t miss THOSE days as she sees the puke that is running down your miss buttoned shirt. This my friends is Karma. Karma has taken a big huge bite out of my ass for having my shit together a year ago at the football fields and being a Crissy. This newborn thing, (okay she is five months old) is harder at 40 than it was at 26. I promise when my Crissy status returns to offer to hold, help and tell my puke covered stories to the moms that look as if they want to run into traffic with their daughters lacrosse stick screaming.
On a more psycho note I threw a coffee cup at my husbands truck.
Yeah I’m not sure where my common sense has gone. I think it may have fallen out of my vagina five months ago when I gave birth to my daughter. I was in the driveway and he was in the garage. The lawn guy had put all my flowers that he was going to plant that day on the edge of the driveway up by the garage door next to the flower bed and yep, you guessed it. My husband pulled out of the drive way and ran over $310 dollars worth of flowers. He couldn’t hear me or the flower squashing apparently with his fucking death metal music on, (yes he still listens to that crap) and I swear it was reflexes. My coffee cup flung. I don’t know what shocked me more. The fact that I threw it or the fact that my lawn guy looked like he shit his pants because he was the fucking moron who put the flowers in front of the garage door. Now, my husbands truck is a work truck, aka a piece so it wasn’t a big deal but my point is LOOK. He swears he couldn’t see them, I say our kids play in the driveway all the time. Know what is in front of you or behind you prior to putting your car in drive. I’m telling you absolutely all respect after affairs and pills and everything else has flown out the window in this relationship.
In the world of HIM, he is getting a new job that he starts Monday. I haven’t seen him in FOREVER, seriously forever but we still talk. Right or wrong it is my sanity. Normal conversation. How are you? How was your day? How was your weekend? Do you have any plans tonight? How are your kids, (that I miss so much)? Do you remember when we…. That one time was so funny when….. I sure miss when we….. UGH. His wife and him are no different, my husband and I are no different we are all four just going through the motions. Focusing on kids, sports and life. Occasionally waiving through our computer screens.
I wonder if you constantly have someone to waive to if things at home can ever get better. I seriously think that if they are to get better I have to WANT them to get better. In a way I do, but I want my husband to get better first. Pain pills lead down a very ugly road for an addict. A road that seems to go in a circle in my life.
My kids are great. They are what brings me huge joy. I still love blogging, reading, cleaning, yes my OCD still has me cleaning like a mad woman. My schedule is still jammed packed because it is the only way I don’t stop and think. When I stop and think my anxiety is out of control. I have a daughter that is starting to drive and plays volleyball, my other daughter plays lacrosse, my son plays rugby and I have my new baby. The oldest three have all moved out. Thats another blog post in itself. Its so weird when your kids move out. Suddenly you feel alone. Like the schedules that you jam packed your daytime with are starting to open up. They are grown. Dating and paying their own rent. Holding jobs and buying cars. I guess I did somethings right. I just make myself stay busy. And if I make myself busy and the subject is always my kids then I am happy. And when I am happy I’m less likely to throw coffee cups at vehicles.
Too tired to proof read this…..
Question for all of you. At what age do you feel you were able to clearly think when it came to love. I received an email from a reader, and I would never blog your story unless you told me I could. But I’ve been thinking a lot about her email. She is in a very similar boat as me. Long story short she told me her story and as I read my heart broke because I too know all her feelings. The loneliness, the anger, the jealousy, the excitement, the butterflies…. all of it. And I read and read her story and then I read the one line that I keep thinking about. She is a teenager. Now I don’t want to start judging anyone so I am asking. Can you know love, (really KNOW love) before the age of lets say…. 22? My reply must have sounded like her mother, and for that I feel bad but I have kids older than her. I would just be heart broken if my child was caught up in an affair. UGH. I guess this situation doesn’t choose its ages. I won’t give details on her story because I didn’t ask to blog it, I just am so taken back on a full grown married man (my age) having an affair with a teenager, (she’s of legal age, I will add). She swears up and down that its love and she loves him. I don’t think I knew anything other than a crush until I was 22. So in the comments do two things for me. 1. At what age do you feel you REALLY knew what love was, and 2. Give one example of the age you WERE when you THOUGHT you knew what love was.
1. I don’t think I knew what TRUE love was until I had a child. I know thats a different kind of love but I truly think its the only ‘true’ love I’ve known this far. I do love my husband but have been hurt so much so often by him, and I don’t think true love hurts…. maybe I’m wrong. And I know I love HIM very much. I love so much about him. I just wonder if true love is more so when there is nothing to hide and everything is out there and open and honest. Wait, what am I talking about…. of course it is. I am almost 40 and I think I’m STILL learning what true love is.
I love and miss you all! I am getting a lot more open time now that my youngest blessing is sleeping through the night so my insomnia should get me back to blogging now!
She was the purest beauty
But not the common kind
She had a way about her
That made you feel alive
And for a moment
We made the world stand still
Yeah, we owned the night
You had me dim the lights;
You danced just like a child
The wine spilled on your dress
And all you did was smile
Yeah, it was perfect
I hold it in my mind
Yeah, we owned the night
When the summer rolls around
And the sun starts sinking down
I still remember you
Oh, I remember you
And I wonder where you are
Are you looking at those same stars again?
Do you remember when?
We woke under a blanket
All tangled up in skin
Not knowing in that moment
We’d never speak again
But it was perfect;
I never will forget
When we owned the night
Yeah, we owned the night
I am here but my life has been insane.
My best friends baby died of sids. She was six weeks old. It has been heartbreaking.
My family is doing great.
I’ve gotten a ton of emails from all of you asking when I will blog again, and I promise I will get back to it. I miss you all. I miss reading blogs more though. I just have three of my kids playing sports and my business gets a little crazy in the summer. Know I am here and I am good! Keep up your blogging so I have a great amount to read and catch up on when I get back!
Come to me.
Come touch me.
Come take a taste of me.
Come, let me please you.
Come please me.
Come and see what we used to see.
Come and feel what we used to feel.
Come and let me remind you of the way things were.
Come and let me dance my fingers along your skin.
Come and explore what has faded.
Come and remind yourself of highs.
Come and forget your lows.
Come and forget everything around you.
Come and just remember,
They are all different. Right? For example, (I’d like to know what HE thinks but), I feel like fucking is one of two things. Rough sex or quick. With or without feelings attached. I think sex is just sex… no strings…. no feelings. Maybe at the start of an affair for some. Some of my readers say flat out- “they had an affair because they were missing SEX. No drama, no relationship, no feelings, just sex”. And then there is making love. The complicated one. When do you go from sex to making love? I can say with HIM we had sex, (when we were learning about each other), it at first was awkward, maybe because of the situation. And I think I’d say we have fucked…. (I don’t mean that to sound so dirty), but we met to do that… quickies and seriously relieved some sexual frustration…. but as far as making love I find myself thinking. Wow. I think men and women define this differently. Yes us women are all romantic and sappy and say oh the music was right or he was amazing and it was slow… but what if it is more detailed? What if at a moment it hits you. That you want nothing more to be with this man that is with you right now. A moment when you realize you have never felt an orgasm like that or felt goosebumps cover you when you felt overheated? What about when you lose control of every one of your senses. You forget where you are and the ringing in your ears is deafening? Is making love losing sense of time, surroundings, and of the real life situation you are sitting in? All I know is when HE touched me, just a touch goosebumps could fly down my sides and erect my nipples. One kiss and I was seriously dizzy. I can say I never felt those things even with my husband in the very beginning when things were good. Never have I been aroused so quickly or so much by anyone.
I asked this emailer (TKM), if I could post her email because it moved me SOOO much. I can relate to it on so many levels and so many feelings. I have looked into the mirror and just stared at myself wondering who I was and what I’d become. Looking at my spirit filled numb body. Realizing when I looked in the mirror after being around my husband and then again after being with HIM how it was like two completely different people standing there… body language and confidence both. A look of being dead and empty or a look of being alive and fulfilled. Just based on who I was with. Let me stop talking… (writing), here is her email. I’ve never posted email before… I asked her if I could post this and got her permission. Please don’t think if you email me I will post it or talk about your email. I NEVER will unless I ask you and get your permission. Please feel free to comment after reading, I’m sure she would like your comments/thoughts and opinions too!
Helping her, and myself, deal with the heartache.
Two guys, a girl, and a choice.
“There is no one thing that’s true. It’s all true.” -Ernest Hemingway
All This Waiting is Difficult
delicious, enticing, lustful, adult-oriented, moments of abandon - insatiable appetites only please. :) Youngsters, please stay away; go outside and play! On a closing note, I am very interested in furthering the conversation ... :)
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