Hello my blogging friends!

I am here but my life has been insane. 

My best friends baby died of sids.  She was six weeks old.  It has been heartbreaking. 

My family is doing great. 

I’ve gotten a ton of emails from all of you asking when I will blog again, and I promise I will get back to it.  I miss you all.   I miss reading blogs more though.   I just have three of my kids playing sports and my business gets a little crazy in the summer.   Know I am here and I am good!  Keep up your blogging so I have a great amount to read and catch up on when I get back!

Remember me

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Come to me.

Come touch me.

Come take a taste of me.

Come, let me please you.

Come please me.

Come and see what we used to see.

Come and feel what we used to feel.

Come and let me remind you of the way things were.

Come and let me dance my fingers along your skin.

Come and explore what has faded.

Come and remind yourself of highs.

Come and forget your lows.

Come and forget everything around you.

Come and just remember,

remember me.

Last night at dinner

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Last night, at dinner alone with my two children,  I sat there… in a daze.  I sat and watched my youngest two eat their dinners.  Laughing and smiling and talking to each other.  One was talking about her next sporting event and my other was talking about his upcoming school play.  They went about this adult conversation.  Back and forth, taking turns and politely not interrupting the other from saying what they felt was important to get out.  They are both so amazing.  As I glanced around the restaurant taking an occasional bite or sip of my wine I’d notice couples.   Some eating away, never saying a word.  They looked so unhappy.  I wondered what was going through their heads.   I’d see these couples focusing only on what they were eating and never even looking up from their plate or thanking the waiter for a refill on their drinks.  Their kids jumping around and throwing food at each other.  Screaming and neither parent stepping up to teach them.  It brought to mind if nearly every marriage hits that point.  Where neither adult wants to be the adult.  Neither wants to be the bad guy.  Finally, the little girl dumped her drink and it went into the dads lap and he jumped up.  He said in a FIRM, under his breath voice, “Now sit down and straighten up, you know how to act when we are out to eat.  Clearly your mom, like always, isn’t going to step up and show you that she has expectations.  Damnit Chelsea, why do I always have to be the disciplinarian?” First I don’t agree with down talking the other parent in front of kids, but  I’m going to pause what was said next because I felt this guys pain.  So many years, I felt like I had no help from my husband.   I did the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the errands, the shopping, the school runs, the homework, you name it…. all the shit that has to get done.   I know you know this because you have read it in my early posts.  I know the complete bottom,  (right before you crack),  from having way too much on your plate from physically doing it all.  My husband felt like his role was to get up go to work and come home.  End of story.  He was earning money for his family, which was great but I worked too.   I just felt familiarity in the mans words.  Then SHE said what she said.  She said, “How about you go ask Samantha to help you.  Seems like she knows how to help you with all your other stresses in life.”

Woah.

Soak that sucker in.

Guess what.  I’m Samantha.

Well not me… I’m not HIS Samantha, but I’m a Samantha.

I instantly felt for this guy.   Yes, yes I felt for her too, because she was obviously hurt by choices her husband made and maybe her depression from his affair caused her lack in helping I don’t know the whole story.  I felt her pain for a second, (I still feel bad about what I did to HIS wife).  BUT,  I understand first hand, my needs, (my AP’s needs),  not being met and doing, (or feeling like you do), everything alone.  A spouse can be right there in the house and be checked out.  I just personally have the husband that physically WASNT/ISNT there/here.   I bet somehow he met Samantha innocently, (or maybe not),  but either way you don’t walk up to someone and pull your dick out of your pants and she lays down on the floor, and an affair starts.  I hate to bust your bubbles but that isn’t how it usually starts and I’m pretty sure your spouses aren’t having affairs with hookers.  What happens is conversations occur.  Laughter happens.  There isn’t five loads of laundry needing to be done and a spouse yelling from the bathroom that they have no clean boxers and its your fault.  It starts sooooo simply I can’t even express.  A door being held open for a woman who’s husband has dropped the door in her face everyday when they leave for work to car pool together.   A woman touching a mans shoulder asking if he had a good weekend on Monday morning!  Even eye contact.  Couples can’t even look at each other half the time.  Or it could be a man making a new pot of coffee at work, (because he took the last cup),  and a woman thanking him for doing so.  Its amazing what five seconds of kindness does for someone who is on empty.  Thing is, sometimes that person is just as empty and that conversation over a coffee pot every morning at work becomes wanted… needed almost.  That coffee leads to a innocent coffee invite for lunch.  You think its okay, you’re working, he’s a coworker so you go.  And you for a moment lose track of time because get this!  YOU ARE HAVING FUN!  You leave go back to work and you can’t focus.  You never noticed his eyes.  His smile.  That laugh.  You look down and you have a text message on your phone.  Its from your husband it reads: Can you go get Tiffany from daycare she is throwing up? Your mommy instinct kicks in, and you go to leave and your car won’t start.  The problem with the car is that your husband has promised he’d look at it for two weeks in a row that it has been stalling on starting, and he still hasn’t.  Football and beers with the neighbor guy had been more fun.  You text your husband that the car won’t start and he starts yelling at you like its your fault.  You call the sitter about the sick kid and she informs you that its okay and she will see you in a bit and then mentions that your husband hasn’t paid her yet.  You told him three times NOT to forget to pay her but now you have a late fee.  You look up and the coffee guy is walking to his car.  Since when did he walk that way?  He comes over and asks if everything is okay.  You explain the situation.   He looks under the hood, jumps your car, shuts the hood and hands you his brother’s business card who is auto part owner and mentions it probably is just the battery.   You go to daycare, don’t turn off the car in fear of it not starting, get your daughter, drive to the battery shop, get the battery at a killer price because you know somebody and drive home.  You walk into your house, its a bomb, theres a message on the home phone that your teen didn’t show up to three of his classes.  There is water on the floor that the puppy knocked over and your husband is sitting on the couch watching ESPN.   Somehow the crock pot got shut off, your 9 year old tells you that a major project is due tomorrow and all you can think about is coffee with coffee guy today.  You try and start a conversation with your husband about buying the battery and the car working now and he gets all butt hurt that you didn’t let him do it like he said he would.  Regardless of you being stranded at work and him never coming to help.  And just like that you hear a ping.  You look down at your phone and its a text.  “Got your number from the work employee book, glad the car battery ended up working.  Hope you have a good night!  See you at the coffee pot, bright and early tomorrow, can’t wait!”

Can’t wait?  Why can’t he wait?  What is he thinking?  And just like that…. butterflies.  And just like that… it starts.

Now I’m not saying that normal life crap and drama cause affairs.  However I am saying no help and needs not being met, (emotional, sexual or just simple help) will lead to people finding ways to having those needs met.    Someone doesn’t just hold a door for you and you jump on them undressing them.   I just realized at dinner that if this man truly didn’t have help at home and she never did anything, after awhile that adds up, takes a toll.  I’m not saying its right to have an affair.  I’m not saying that is how you handle a loveless, helpless, sexless marriage.  I’m saying this situation makes it easier for someone to step out, if even to shortly gain their sanity.  Marriage is 50/50.  There are times its 80/20 but you better catch up on your 80 next week when the other is having a 20 week because it gets old being the 80 all the time.

I snapped out of my daze.  My wine was gone, the waiter handed me my bill, I paid, took the food left over to go and went to walk out and guess what, (I swear this happened).  The two kids that were acting up went out the door.  The wife went out the door and let the door fall, the husband picked up a hat his son dropped ran into the door saying thanks for holding the door and then said let me get that for you to me, and held the door open as my kids and I walked through.  In thinking about this the entire meal,  I turned around and made eye contact and said, thanks for holding the door!  He said, you’re welcome.   His wife was already to the car snapping at him to unlock it that it was “fucking cold out, could you hurry the hell up.” She then had to add a rude comment affecting me, “Is HER name Samantha too?”

What a B.

Came home, did homework with the kids, took a shower, got into bed and read.

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My husband didn’t come home last night because Sunday night he got into my pills and after the argument he went to his moms.  Guess he was staying there again last night.

You will never fade…

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Everyday you were there.  Everyday we talked.  Everyday I laughed.

We had moments of connecting.  Moments of deep conversations.

Lots of story telling.  Lots of sharing.  Lots of past hurts discussed.

Everyday I woke up to your messages.  Every night I fell asleep thinking of you.

Our choices just kind of happened.   I couldn’t imagine my life without you.

I was at this new place where I felt butterflies again.

Every moment you filled my head.  I wondered where you where and what you were doing and if you were thinking about me.

I’d see something that we did or talked about and I’d find a smile crossing my face on its own.

I’d see beautiful things or hear something funny and couldn’t wait to share them with you.

I’d hear a song that spoke to me causing you to fill my mind like steam.

You became what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be with all the time.

I couldn’t figure out how I could have you forever.

I felt happy, alive, content, satisfied, needed, wanted and adored.

The thing was, I never pretend to be something I wasn’t.

I always wanted to be my best for you.

I found myself wanting to please you and love you and make you happy before I ever found myself thinking about myself.  I got so much pleasure out of making you smile and laugh.

Your stories affected me.  They made me laugh with you, hurt for you, angry at other causing you the hurt.  I became protective of you in a sense.

And then you were gone.

Physically gone.

The ache was indescribable.

The hurt was excruciating.

The loneliness was beyond silent.

The tears were beyond running out.

The silence was deafening.

The not hearing from you was worrisome.

I felt like my best friend had died.

My two friends that knew watched me sob over someone I should have never loved.

They urged me to get out of bed.

I felt like my best friend had died.  There one second and gone the next.

My heart couldn’t understand what my head had been screaming all along.

I would stand behind doors crying.  People laughing and going about life on the other side having no idea I’d been broken.

I would cry silently in my pillow at night.  Realizing my greatest fear would never be seeing you, hugging you, laughing with you or being touched by you again.

I know for a fact that first four months was the hardest part of my life ever.

I truly had no idea what it was like to lose someone.

Someone you would do anything to be able to have for five more minutes.

All I wanted was a chance to have a proper goodbye.  To tell you in person how much I loved you and how very much you meant to me.

I can’t believe I’ve know you for four years this June.  Seems like yesterday I met you , yet it feels like forever ago.

I love the memories you left me.  They will never fade.

You will never fade.

Just received an email…

 

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An email saying they, (a blog reader), needed more.  More about what is going on in my life…  my kids, my husband and HIM.   Oh how I’ve been avoiding this.  I’m not even sure why.   If I don’t complain, I don’t have a problem right?  Oh lovely denial.

My kids.  My kids are great.  My kids are my world.  They always have been.  Between school, sports, upcoming graduations, doctor appointments, homework and normal around the house stuff we have been super busy.  My youngest just got over pneumonia two weeks ago.  THAT was scary.  Poor guy… I wished the entire time I could be sick for him.  It broke my heart.  My oldest has started to calm down I hope.  My next one down has signed up for the Navy.  The next two down are in sports and both made honor roll.  And my youngest, will never slow down I’m afraid. :0)  But they make me happy.  Always.

My husband?

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Same ol’ same ol’.  Up and down.  Affectionate, and distant and back again.  My pills haven’t been missing in awhile but then I don’t give him the opportunity anymore.  I’m thinking it has become less of a problem since pot became legal here.  Sigh.  Him and I are such opposites.  I can look at him and just know.  He gets mad and says I”m judging him.  That its legal that I can stop acting like his mom now.   I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I can tell my teenagers, “DONT DO POT” but then he can be as high as a kite.  That and I’m 38 and have never done it.   Oh well it is what it is.  I guess if he is going to be doing something it might as well be that.  I just think it makes you stupid, (I’m not calling anyone who does it stupid, I’m just saying it makes you spacey and out of it and just not the way I choose to be or appear).   Would I rather him do that if he is going to do SOMETHING?  Yes, but I’d rather him do nothing like he did in the beginning.  Our sex life is….. trying to think of the word.  Frustrating.  Still.  He wants sex fairly often but can rarely ‘get it up’ or even more rare, ‘finish’, making it last forever and for those of you guys that think that is AMAZING, trust me as a woman it is NOT.   Especially when you know it is from pills, so when sex starts off okay, it quickly turns into me being annoyed to no end and stopping things because instantly I know he’s done things.   He hasn’t gone back to the band which I am SOOOOOOOOO grateful for.  That was a million more problems than I care to share… drinking and such.  Is he helping with the kids? Yes.  Is he going to work?  Yes.  Has he stopped all his BS?  No.  and that No is a big one.  Has he started to support me in my goals?  Still no.  He has also started this weird thing which I know what it is but I don’t care to admit that to myself but if I am going out…. ANYWHERE,  it could be to the grocery store to get a loaf of bread he wants to have sex RIGHT before I walk out the door.  You know as well as I do, thats to make sure I’m not going to meet HIM.  My husband is still I’m sure worried about HIM.  As he should be.  HIM is a threat.  HIM is something my husband and I are dealing with.  HIM isn’t going to go away because I don’t want HIM to.  My husband will tell you that is as much of his fault as it is mine.

And what about HIM?  We talk by email.  Thats really it.  Yeah its more than what we WERE doing, but its what is happening.  Do I keep it from my husband?  Yes and no.  How jacked is that?  I don’t hold a conversation like, “I emailed HIM today, and he’s doing good, still tells me I’m amazing and he still wishes things were like they used to be.”  I do however fill my schedule, stay busy.  Run my business, teach my CPR classes, go out to dinner with girlfriends and am genuinely happy at the end of the day.   The relationship with my husband has changed so much.  And some of you maybe asking why are we still married?  I don’t know the answer to that.  I know kids aren’t a reason to stay married but I can’t bring myself to put my kids through that if my husband and I can be civil right now.  Right or wrong?  Probably wrong.  But I’m not lying to my husband.  He knows I’m not happy.  He knows I don’t NEED sex, I just want conversation.

As for as the other man goes, he is still married, (In my heart I know that will never change),  because he too wants his kids not to go through divorce. He is a man that regardless of his happiness he will provide for his family.  He would live unhappy forever before any of them suffered.  I know he loves me.  I know I love him, and I know we have both learned to love what we can’t have.   I think it is fun to think about, (what life with him would be like) and him and I talk about it often.  We are just both VERY understanding of where we each are and why we are there and how much we wish the situation was different.  But like HIM and I have said to each other before, we both have the personality that we would live unhappy ourselves forever before making our kids unhappy for a second.   He sends me emails that make me smile, make me cry, crack me up and make me think.  He holds my attention.  He makes me feel aches in my heart that I wish I could describe.  I miss him so much.  Yet am terrified to see him.  I want to knock on his door and tell him regardless of our situations I love him and want him regardless of who hears, see’s, knows etc, YET, if I even get within 5 minutes of his house I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate and die.  I want to say lets start a life together regardless of our lives now… yet I’d never in a million years ask him to leave her.  I care about his kids too much.  So its back to emailing only.  Is that good or bad?  Well, it is what it is, it sounds horrible to anyone who is looking in, the rule should be no contact, but I can’t do it.  I can’t walk away.  I feel like if I do, I will lose the one person in this world that I loved more than anyone.   I think we respectfully from a distance keep each other sane at home.  Well, at least that is true for me.   HE makes putting up with my husbands shit a lot more tolerable.  Because I smile at all the other parts of my day.    I assume I will get some hate mail over this post.  Calling me a whore, and all that Jazz that comes with the posts like this.  What it comes down to I guess is selfishness.   I’m too sad in my marriage to not email HIM and feel alone.  I’m too fearful that my husband will kill himself if I leave,  and I’m too terrified to say goodbye to HIM that I will never feel like I feel for anyone the way I feel for him, ever again.

For once, and from now on

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I want to laugh loudly with you, regardless of who hears.

I want to kiss you standing in Yankee Stadium, regardless of who watches.

I want to show you that I love you out loud, regardless of who knows.

I want to taste wine with you, regardless of who take our order.

I want to check into hotels together, regardless of who holds the door.

I want to have snowball fights with you, regardless of who joins in.

I want to go dancing with you, regardless of who the DJ is.

I want to take a cooking class with you, regardless of who teaches.

I want to go skiing with you, regardless of who who laughs at our falls.

I want to share dessert with you, regardless of who brings us an extra spoon.

I want hold summer parties with you, regardless of who attends.

I want to walk around a lake with you, regardless of who may be jogging.

I want to plan vacations with you, regardless of who’s visiting there too.

I want to run down the walk way to hug you, regardless of who’s driving by.

I want to be myself with you, regardless of anyone or anything.