Still here.

Nothing is new.  My life is still insanely busy.  I can barely keep up.  Being a mom to many and running your own business can be a lot.  So much has changed.  My three oldest kids are living on their own, two of which are married with babies!! :0)  Leaving my younger four still living at home.  Between work, life, and day to day to do list’s I attend their sports.  Volleyball.  Softball.  Rugby.  Tennis. Lacrosse.  I. AM. SO. TIRED.  And yes that baby of mine is now a week away from being two.  I don’t know if she is worse than all my others or if being 41 and having a two year old is what makes it harder.  All I know is she is everything I deserve when looking at the likeliness of Karma being a real thing.  Holy shit. Seriously.  I love her though.  From her toes to the tips of her curly wild hair.

I know I know… the above part isn’t what you are wanting to read. You want to know about HIM.  You guys are so faithful in your emails.  I try and reply I swear.  About your emails and my replies, I need to make a post on that!  Talk about some of your complex stories!  Wow!  You guys email me and I have to read your emails three and four times in complete disbelief and speechlessness when you ask me to reply with advice.  UMMMMM I don’t know what to do when your husband walks in on you showing your new bra to your boyfriend who happens to be his cousin and you all end up in jail, after which you end up having an affair with the District Attorney!  I’m just kidding-that isn’t really an email that I received, however they are some crazy situations!

Okay I’m rambling.  Maybe I’m trying to avoid crying.  Nothing is different.  I know that bores you and that isn’t what you want to read.

I think last I mentioned they were talking about moving out of state.  Well he found a job that really wants him.  His wife is on again and off again in wanting him to take it.  I totally get it and her feelings.  Everything she knows is here.  Their kids are all in school here with family here. It, (I imagine), is VERY hard to up and leave everything for a job that is in another state where you know nothing or anyone.  But the offer they gave him was amazing. The best job offer he has ever had.   Of course he says she is torn for different reasons, (which as a wife and mother I COMPLETELY get).  She is on the fence about moving her children.  Taking them out of their schools and that state that is the only  state they have known.  He said he’d go out first and find a place and get situated and let them finish school and move them out there in May.  One day she is for it, and the next she is against it.  And she swings.  Daily. He says he understands her basic feelings of hesitation.

The thing is I am super proud of him.  He always tries to better himself. Work hard at work and get things done.  Teach.  Take classes to better himself and when he feels stuck or like there is no movement at the job he is at he actively looks for new work and he has moved up in income and titles like you are supposed to strive to do.  I love that about him.  I fail to see that with my husband.  He would stay stagnant forever if he was comfortable.  That drives me crazy. Day to day. Easy come easy go.  Well that works for Jimmy Buffet but for the rest of us…..   it gets flipping old.

As you can imagine this has caused a storm of emotions in me.   Excited for him.  Proud of him. Happy for him. He deserves this.  He really, really does.  Regardless of his actions with me, he has worked very hard in life and truly deserves this job.  HOWEVER.  In telling him how very proud of him I am and how excited I am for him, my heart seriously feels like it is being ripped out of my body.  Now some of you get it. You’ve been here and walked in these shoes and have had to say goodbye or walk away.  Then,  some of you are laughing and telling your computer screens, “serves you right you stupid B….” we’ve been through this before.  I was the woman that judged others.  Pointed my fingers and said, “OH I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR”…. until you do.  So simmer down finger pointer. The comments don’t affect me anymore.  Because I was that commenter.

 

Yes, I’m sad.  Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I keep crying. Thing is nothing really will change.  We rarely see each other now, yet we talk every single day. Talking to him every single day isn’t going to change.  That will continue.  But knowing he isn’t 15 minutes away and that he is several states away is sad.  However lets be honest, I won’t dread running into them at a sporting event or restaurant anymore! :0)  However, I won’t be running into just him in some beautiful hotel room on the 9th floor overlooking the snow capped mountains either.  Of course this is just the icing on the emotional cake.  There have been a ton of conversations, and a ton of tears and evil hateful jealousy that wishes she’d tell him to go and to take his kids with him because she still wants a divorce approximately every eight weeks. But then that is that green in me.  At the end of the day he isn’t mine.

Oh and my husband…. same shit, different day.

Love to you all.  Thank you all for still being here.

-her

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I only have a second and I was thinking….

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Sex.

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Making Love.

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Fucking.

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They are all different.  Right?   For example, (I’d like to know what HE thinks but),  I feel like fucking is one of two things.  Rough sex or quick.  With or without feelings attached.  I think sex is just sex… no strings…. no feelings.  Maybe at the start of an affair for some.  Some of my readers say flat out- “they had an affair because they were missing SEX.  No drama, no relationship, no feelings, just sex”.   And then there is making love.  The complicated one.   When do you go from sex to making love?  I can say with HIM we had sex, (when we were learning about each other), it at first was awkward, maybe because of the situation.  And I think I’d say we have fucked…. (I don’t mean that to sound so dirty), but we met to do that… quickies and seriously relieved some sexual frustration…. but as far as making love I find myself thinking. Wow.  I think men and women define this differently. Yes us women are all romantic and sappy and say oh the music was right or he was amazing and it was slow…  but what if it is more detailed?  What if at a moment it hits you.  That you want nothing more to be with this man that is with you right now.  A moment when you realize you have never felt an orgasm like that or felt goosebumps cover you when you felt overheated?  What about when you lose control of every one of your senses.  You forget where you are and the ringing in your ears is deafening? Is making love losing sense of time, surroundings, and of the real life situation you are sitting in?  All I know is when HE touched me, just a touch goosebumps could fly down my sides and erect my nipples.  One kiss and I was seriously dizzy.   I can say I never felt those things even with my husband in the very beginning when things were good.  Never have I been aroused so quickly or so much by anyone.

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I was thinking…

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It was true for me and I have read it many times on other blogs of people who have had affairs, so I want to blog about the subject. The subject of marriages improving while you have an affair.  Sounds crazy right?  Well maybe not for everyone but for me, it was the case.  I couldn’t say if this was true or not for the MM I had an affair with and his wife or not, because I didn’t really ask that question of him.  However I know his relationship was up and down with her as most of our marriages are in one way or another.

I think in my case, (and I’m only speaking in my case here), but simply put, I was happy.  I felt important in the life of someone.  I felt butterflies over someone.  Someone was calling me, and texting me, and emailing me and WANTED to be.  Someone really cared about me.  Well lots of people care about us but not always in a relationship kind of way.  Those needs and feelings being met made me happy and a little less stressed out. I think when one is happy and feels like they are not empty, (all their emotional and physical needs are being met), they are able to truly think of others.  They don’t have the mind block of being sad or unhappy or unsatisfied in some way.  I think because I was happy, I was less on edge, because I was less on edge I didn’t feel like I was going to rip someone head off because the house was dirty RIGHT after I cleaned it.   Odd thing is then, your not bitching and you suddenly look less stressed and ‘softer’ in your husbands eyes.  OH GUESS WHAT?  That morning because you look like that, he compliments you.  One time, the first time in forever.  And the compliment catches you off guard.  Maybe you are spending more time on your outfits, or you have been making sure your panties and bras match.  You picked out a new perfume.  You have made sure to not miss a nail appointment.  It could be physical.  For me personally it was 100% emotional.  My husband was gone most of the beginning of my affair.  I was just incredibly lonely.  I’m not talking gone like military or work.  I’m talking gone like uninvolved and uninterested.  But my bitching and nagging stopped on the phone calls to him.  I was suddenly telling him, “Do what you need to do, bye!”  VS “Why are you doing this?  You are never here, this isn’t fair to me or the kids!”  The difference was originally he heard, I need you, you should be here, or me complaining and truly being a bitch out of frustration.  It shifted to, I’m happy and I can careless what you do or decide to do because we are making it work without you.  That freaked him out I think.  He started coming by.  Going out to dinner with us.  My appearance never was really affected, only because I am OCD about it. LOL.  Before or during my affair or even now I always do my hair, makeup and try and look nice.  I am NOT that mom that can be in her pajamas and go to the grocery store.  Hell, I’m not even that mom that can hang out in her pajamas all day on Saturday because she isn’t going anywhere.  Every morning I go straight from bed to the shower and get dressed.  I have my coffee after I get ready.   He my husband just saw me go from stressing out about his whereabouts to giving up completely and finding my happiness somewhere else.   Suddenly he was home.  Suddenly he was trying.  Suddenly I had a problem.  Where as when my affair started I felt ‘sort of available’ because I was separated (not by choice), but by reality.  He never came home.  We are not talking three days.  We are talking months at a time that added up to years.  I didn’t care at first because my focus was my kids.  I slowly started to realize I had needs too.  Talking to someone was easy.  Getting to know my AP was easy.  Looking forward to his emails, texts was easy.  Meeting him was a little harder.  But became easy.  Finding that we had feelings for each other over time, was easy.  Being intimate took a long time… it was a step that I don’t think either of us were really ready for and we respected each other.  But even then after a long time that was, (I don’t want to say easy),  well, there are no words.

I read blogs and find that a lot of bloggers who had affairs, or who are having them experience their marriages improving during that time.  Maybe its guilt?  Maybe its simply you are happy.  Maybe its because your mind is thinking of your encounter the night before or the next day and you are not focusing on your husbands dirty boxers on the floor 2.5 inches from the hamper.  Or maybe you didn’t seem to care too much about the $50 bucks your wife spent on a blouse that she already has two of that are similar.  The little things seem to become suddenly little again when you are happy.  Anyone else in your situation find this to be true?  I’ve just read it a lot and experienced it personally.

Last night at dinner

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Last night, at dinner alone with my two children,  I sat there… in a daze.  I sat and watched my youngest two eat their dinners.  Laughing and smiling and talking to each other.  One was talking about her next sporting event and my other was talking about his upcoming school play.  They went about this adult conversation.  Back and forth, taking turns and politely not interrupting the other from saying what they felt was important to get out.  They are both so amazing.  As I glanced around the restaurant taking an occasional bite or sip of my wine I’d notice couples.   Some eating away, never saying a word.  They looked so unhappy.  I wondered what was going through their heads.   I’d see these couples focusing only on what they were eating and never even looking up from their plate or thanking the waiter for a refill on their drinks.  Their kids jumping around and throwing food at each other.  Screaming and neither parent stepping up to teach them.  It brought to mind if nearly every marriage hits that point.  Where neither adult wants to be the adult.  Neither wants to be the bad guy.  Finally, the little girl dumped her drink and it went into the dads lap and he jumped up.  He said in a FIRM, under his breath voice, “Now sit down and straighten up, you know how to act when we are out to eat.  Clearly your mom, like always, isn’t going to step up and show you that she has expectations.  Damnit Chelsea, why do I always have to be the disciplinarian?” First I don’t agree with down talking the other parent in front of kids, but  I’m going to pause what was said next because I felt this guys pain.  So many years, I felt like I had no help from my husband.   I did the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the errands, the shopping, the school runs, the homework, you name it…. all the shit that has to get done.   I know you know this because you have read it in my early posts.  I know the complete bottom,  (right before you crack),  from having way too much on your plate from physically doing it all.  My husband felt like his role was to get up go to work and come home.  End of story.  He was earning money for his family, which was great but I worked too.   I just felt familiarity in the mans words.  Then SHE said what she said.  She said, “How about you go ask Samantha to help you.  Seems like she knows how to help you with all your other stresses in life.”

Woah.

Soak that sucker in.

Guess what.  I’m Samantha.

Well not me… I’m not HIS Samantha, but I’m a Samantha.

I instantly felt for this guy.   Yes, yes I felt for her too, because she was obviously hurt by choices her husband made and maybe her depression from his affair caused her lack in helping I don’t know the whole story.  I felt her pain for a second, (I still feel bad about what I did to HIS wife).  BUT,  I understand first hand, my needs, (my AP’s needs),  not being met and doing, (or feeling like you do), everything alone.  A spouse can be right there in the house and be checked out.  I just personally have the husband that physically WASNT/ISNT there/here.   I bet somehow he met Samantha innocently, (or maybe not),  but either way you don’t walk up to someone and pull your dick out of your pants and she lays down on the floor, and an affair starts.  I hate to bust your bubbles but that isn’t how it usually starts and I’m pretty sure your spouses aren’t having affairs with hookers.  What happens is conversations occur.  Laughter happens.  There isn’t five loads of laundry needing to be done and a spouse yelling from the bathroom that they have no clean boxers and its your fault.  It starts sooooo simply I can’t even express.  A door being held open for a woman who’s husband has dropped the door in her face everyday when they leave for work to car pool together.   A woman touching a mans shoulder asking if he had a good weekend on Monday morning!  Even eye contact.  Couples can’t even look at each other half the time.  Or it could be a man making a new pot of coffee at work, (because he took the last cup),  and a woman thanking him for doing so.  Its amazing what five seconds of kindness does for someone who is on empty.  Thing is, sometimes that person is just as empty and that conversation over a coffee pot every morning at work becomes wanted… needed almost.  That coffee leads to a innocent coffee invite for lunch.  You think its okay, you’re working, he’s a coworker so you go.  And you for a moment lose track of time because get this!  YOU ARE HAVING FUN!  You leave go back to work and you can’t focus.  You never noticed his eyes.  His smile.  That laugh.  You look down and you have a text message on your phone.  Its from your husband it reads: Can you go get Tiffany from daycare she is throwing up? Your mommy instinct kicks in, and you go to leave and your car won’t start.  The problem with the car is that your husband has promised he’d look at it for two weeks in a row that it has been stalling on starting, and he still hasn’t.  Football and beers with the neighbor guy had been more fun.  You text your husband that the car won’t start and he starts yelling at you like its your fault.  You call the sitter about the sick kid and she informs you that its okay and she will see you in a bit and then mentions that your husband hasn’t paid her yet.  You told him three times NOT to forget to pay her but now you have a late fee.  You look up and the coffee guy is walking to his car.  Since when did he walk that way?  He comes over and asks if everything is okay.  You explain the situation.   He looks under the hood, jumps your car, shuts the hood and hands you his brother’s business card who is auto part owner and mentions it probably is just the battery.   You go to daycare, don’t turn off the car in fear of it not starting, get your daughter, drive to the battery shop, get the battery at a killer price because you know somebody and drive home.  You walk into your house, its a bomb, theres a message on the home phone that your teen didn’t show up to three of his classes.  There is water on the floor that the puppy knocked over and your husband is sitting on the couch watching ESPN.   Somehow the crock pot got shut off, your 9 year old tells you that a major project is due tomorrow and all you can think about is coffee with coffee guy today.  You try and start a conversation with your husband about buying the battery and the car working now and he gets all butt hurt that you didn’t let him do it like he said he would.  Regardless of you being stranded at work and him never coming to help.  And just like that you hear a ping.  You look down at your phone and its a text.  “Got your number from the work employee book, glad the car battery ended up working.  Hope you have a good night!  See you at the coffee pot, bright and early tomorrow, can’t wait!”

Can’t wait?  Why can’t he wait?  What is he thinking?  And just like that…. butterflies.  And just like that… it starts.

Now I’m not saying that normal life crap and drama cause affairs.  However I am saying no help and needs not being met, (emotional, sexual or just simple help) will lead to people finding ways to having those needs met.    Someone doesn’t just hold a door for you and you jump on them undressing them.   I just realized at dinner that if this man truly didn’t have help at home and she never did anything, after awhile that adds up, takes a toll.  I’m not saying its right to have an affair.  I’m not saying that is how you handle a loveless, helpless, sexless marriage.  I’m saying this situation makes it easier for someone to step out, if even to shortly gain their sanity.  Marriage is 50/50.  There are times its 80/20 but you better catch up on your 80 next week when the other is having a 20 week because it gets old being the 80 all the time.

I snapped out of my daze.  My wine was gone, the waiter handed me my bill, I paid, took the food left over to go and went to walk out and guess what, (I swear this happened).  The two kids that were acting up went out the door.  The wife went out the door and let the door fall, the husband picked up a hat his son dropped ran into the door saying thanks for holding the door and then said let me get that for you to me, and held the door open as my kids and I walked through.  In thinking about this the entire meal,  I turned around and made eye contact and said, thanks for holding the door!  He said, you’re welcome.   His wife was already to the car snapping at him to unlock it that it was “fucking cold out, could you hurry the hell up.” She then had to add a rude comment affecting me, “Is HER name Samantha too?”

What a B.

Came home, did homework with the kids, took a shower, got into bed and read.

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My husband didn’t come home last night because Sunday night he got into my pills and after the argument he went to his moms.  Guess he was staying there again last night.

Just received an email…

 

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An email saying they, (a blog reader), needed more.  More about what is going on in my life…  my kids, my husband and HIM.   Oh how I’ve been avoiding this.  I’m not even sure why.   If I don’t complain, I don’t have a problem right?  Oh lovely denial.

My kids.  My kids are great.  My kids are my world.  They always have been.  Between school, sports, upcoming graduations, doctor appointments, homework and normal around the house stuff we have been super busy.  My youngest just got over pneumonia two weeks ago.  THAT was scary.  Poor guy… I wished the entire time I could be sick for him.  It broke my heart.  My oldest has started to calm down I hope.  My next one down has signed up for the Navy.  The next two down are in sports and both made honor roll.  And my youngest, will never slow down I’m afraid. :0)  But they make me happy.  Always.

My husband?

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Same ol’ same ol’.  Up and down.  Affectionate, and distant and back again.  My pills haven’t been missing in awhile but then I don’t give him the opportunity anymore.  I’m thinking it has become less of a problem since pot became legal here.  Sigh.  Him and I are such opposites.  I can look at him and just know.  He gets mad and says I”m judging him.  That its legal that I can stop acting like his mom now.   I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I can tell my teenagers, “DONT DO POT” but then he can be as high as a kite.  That and I’m 38 and have never done it.   Oh well it is what it is.  I guess if he is going to be doing something it might as well be that.  I just think it makes you stupid, (I’m not calling anyone who does it stupid, I’m just saying it makes you spacey and out of it and just not the way I choose to be or appear).   Would I rather him do that if he is going to do SOMETHING?  Yes, but I’d rather him do nothing like he did in the beginning.  Our sex life is….. trying to think of the word.  Frustrating.  Still.  He wants sex fairly often but can rarely ‘get it up’ or even more rare, ‘finish’, making it last forever and for those of you guys that think that is AMAZING, trust me as a woman it is NOT.   Especially when you know it is from pills, so when sex starts off okay, it quickly turns into me being annoyed to no end and stopping things because instantly I know he’s done things.   He hasn’t gone back to the band which I am SOOOOOOOOO grateful for.  That was a million more problems than I care to share… drinking and such.  Is he helping with the kids? Yes.  Is he going to work?  Yes.  Has he stopped all his BS?  No.  and that No is a big one.  Has he started to support me in my goals?  Still no.  He has also started this weird thing which I know what it is but I don’t care to admit that to myself but if I am going out…. ANYWHERE,  it could be to the grocery store to get a loaf of bread he wants to have sex RIGHT before I walk out the door.  You know as well as I do, thats to make sure I’m not going to meet HIM.  My husband is still I’m sure worried about HIM.  As he should be.  HIM is a threat.  HIM is something my husband and I are dealing with.  HIM isn’t going to go away because I don’t want HIM to.  My husband will tell you that is as much of his fault as it is mine.

And what about HIM?  We talk by email.  Thats really it.  Yeah its more than what we WERE doing, but its what is happening.  Do I keep it from my husband?  Yes and no.  How jacked is that?  I don’t hold a conversation like, “I emailed HIM today, and he’s doing good, still tells me I’m amazing and he still wishes things were like they used to be.”  I do however fill my schedule, stay busy.  Run my business, teach my CPR classes, go out to dinner with girlfriends and am genuinely happy at the end of the day.   The relationship with my husband has changed so much.  And some of you maybe asking why are we still married?  I don’t know the answer to that.  I know kids aren’t a reason to stay married but I can’t bring myself to put my kids through that if my husband and I can be civil right now.  Right or wrong?  Probably wrong.  But I’m not lying to my husband.  He knows I’m not happy.  He knows I don’t NEED sex, I just want conversation.

As for as the other man goes, he is still married, (In my heart I know that will never change),  because he too wants his kids not to go through divorce. He is a man that regardless of his happiness he will provide for his family.  He would live unhappy forever before any of them suffered.  I know he loves me.  I know I love him, and I know we have both learned to love what we can’t have.   I think it is fun to think about, (what life with him would be like) and him and I talk about it often.  We are just both VERY understanding of where we each are and why we are there and how much we wish the situation was different.  But like HIM and I have said to each other before, we both have the personality that we would live unhappy ourselves forever before making our kids unhappy for a second.   He sends me emails that make me smile, make me cry, crack me up and make me think.  He holds my attention.  He makes me feel aches in my heart that I wish I could describe.  I miss him so much.  Yet am terrified to see him.  I want to knock on his door and tell him regardless of our situations I love him and want him regardless of who hears, see’s, knows etc, YET, if I even get within 5 minutes of his house I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate and die.  I want to say lets start a life together regardless of our lives now… yet I’d never in a million years ask him to leave her.  I care about his kids too much.  So its back to emailing only.  Is that good or bad?  Well, it is what it is, it sounds horrible to anyone who is looking in, the rule should be no contact, but I can’t do it.  I can’t walk away.  I feel like if I do, I will lose the one person in this world that I loved more than anyone.   I think we respectfully from a distance keep each other sane at home.  Well, at least that is true for me.   HE makes putting up with my husbands shit a lot more tolerable.  Because I smile at all the other parts of my day.    I assume I will get some hate mail over this post.  Calling me a whore, and all that Jazz that comes with the posts like this.  What it comes down to I guess is selfishness.   I’m too sad in my marriage to not email HIM and feel alone.  I’m too fearful that my husband will kill himself if I leave,  and I’m too terrified to say goodbye to HIM that I will never feel like I feel for anyone the way I feel for him, ever again.

For once, and from now on

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I want to laugh loudly with you, regardless of who hears.

I want to kiss you standing in Yankee Stadium, regardless of who watches.

I want to show you that I love you out loud, regardless of who knows.

I want to taste wine with you, regardless of who take our order.

I want to check into hotels together, regardless of who holds the door.

I want to have snowball fights with you, regardless of who joins in.

I want to go dancing with you, regardless of who the DJ is.

I want to take a cooking class with you, regardless of who teaches.

I want to go skiing with you, regardless of who who laughs at our falls.

I want to share dessert with you, regardless of who brings us an extra spoon.

I want hold summer parties with you, regardless of who attends.

I want to walk around a lake with you, regardless of who may be jogging.

I want to plan vacations with you, regardless of who’s visiting there too.

I want to run down the walk way to hug you, regardless of who’s driving by.

I want to be myself with you, regardless of anyone or anything.

 

Short Little Moments

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My butterflies, calm yourselves.

I know him.  He is no stranger.

Why are you fluttering so?

My butterflies calm yourselves,

His smile greets me,

Making me smile and shyly look away.

My butterflies calm yourselves,

His arms wrap around me,

I’ve missed his embrace.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

His lips meet mine,

just like I’ve imagined a hundred times.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

He is so happy around me.

Swallow your tears silly girl.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

His mouth becomes familiar again,

I soak in his smell.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

His laugh fills my heart,

I want this all the time.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

He awakens my body and mind.

Attention holding conversation.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

I feel like I’m spinning.

Yet nothing is moving.

My butterflies calm yourselves,

His eyes are locked on me.

I can’t look away.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

Heartache shows in his eyes,

Because the clock says its time to go.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

He loves me.

I love him.

Wake up my butterflies,

He walks away, back to his life,

I see its hard for him to do.

Wake up my butterflies…

Pick yourself up silly girl.

Loving what you can’t have is impossible.