My feelings…

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So YES, I’m pregnant.  Many of you asked in my last post…. I guess I left the area kind of grey.  I didn’t really say I was.   YES, I have mixed emotions and YES I am terrified and I have such mixed feelings.

First of all I was/am on birth control.  Second, he has a vacetomy scheduled in TWO weeks.  Third, I know he hasn’t been on pills because we put him on rehab but sadly I worry (in the back of my mind) what if he is, what if he was?  What if that affects this baby?  I’m terrified.  He swears to me he isn’t/wasn’t.  It all stems from the amount of time I was lied to constantly and he constantly took all my pills.   I’m just…. feeling guilty for not being over the top excited.   How bad is that?  Who doesn’t get ecstatic when they become pregnant and they are married with kids already?  He is excited.  He is saying that this is proof of how hard he needs to work.  He is telling me constantly that he loves me and he wants this, (not that I would ever NOT have this baby).  He is telling me I am beautiful and telling me to take it easy, and doing a TON of stuff around the house.   However, (sigh), I’m terrified (and holding my breath) that the bottom will fall out again.  If you remember, I had this perfect little life in the beginning.  Before the pain killers.  Happy family, great marriage, home, our own businesses, new cars, (not bragging but I’m just trying to say life was good.  That lead to buying a smaller house.  Giving back my new car (that I LOVED) when the lease was up and buying a car that was OLD but reliable to not have a payment.  Renting out our mountain home, (so I didn’t lose it) and accepting the fact that I couldn’t go there on the weekends anymore to ‘get away’.   Two years.  Two years he was GONE.  MIA.   Drugs, (pain killers- please don’t think anything like Meth or Crack) took over and became first and most important in his life.  My doctor said it is hands down the HARDEST addiction to break.  He said the reason is, these pain pill addicts, will one day truly be in pain and need pain meds, and the problem can start all over again.    So I love kids.  I work with kids.  I adore kids.  My world REVOLVES around my kids.  I would never have changed anything if it meant I wouldn’t have had any one of them.  So I don’t want to NOT have this baby or regret being pregnant.  I just want my husband to keep his head above water so this baby knows nothing of the struggles we have had.   I want it to seem as if it were all a bad dream to my other children.  I want back the life I had…. it just seems so far away at times.   This last time that he was in rehab seemed different.  He got more out of it.  It hit home and it was an in treatment center and he was there for awhile.  He has been doing really well.  I am very proud of him.

As far as ALL of you almost lol asking if you can Congratulate me, yes, :0) you can.   A baby is a HUGE reason to celebrate and be happy.  A surprise?  YES.  A blessing?  Yes!  A marriage saver?  Maybe.  But I’m willing to try.  With 100% of effort from my side.   I am hopeful.  Hopeful of my husbands addiction being a thing of our past.   Our sad, struggling past.    Fingers crossed.

Love to you all.  As always.

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So my life….

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If I only could tell you.  It’s so unbelievable right now.  Remember when I had my IUD taken out?  I said why have sex?  Well then my husband and I really were working on things and talking so I went on the pill.  I was getting horrible migraines. So my doctor said lets go to a low dose pill.  I laughed saying THERE is NO way I can go to anything low dose.  I am WAY to fertile! So I decided to use Deppo.  We doubled up on protection during that first thirty days when we did have sex.  I know you all know where this is going.   Some of you warned me.  I warned myself.  I would NEVER not have sex w/o protection b/c my husband is so up and down. So two weeks ago I got super sick.  It wouldn’t pass.  I kept thinking it would.   Then my breasts started hurting.  THAT is my knowing sign.  I went to the doctor and was told the news.  I didn’t know how to take it.  LMAO.  ONLY ME.  ONLY MY LIFE.  I’m not making this stuff up, not even I could do that!   OH well.   It is what it is.

As far as HE goes.  All I want for HIM is for him to be happy.  He deserves that at least.  He has an amazing heart.  I think this is why I haven’t been blogging.  There isn’t much to say about being her, the other woman.  I will still blog, comment and follow all of you, I just don’t know what I will talk about anymore.  I’m sure there will be subjects for sure.  Who knows what tomorrow holds.  From when this blog started I’ve been from one extreme to the other, and along the way I found all of you.  I love you all!  Thanks for riding this coaster with me.

There will always be judging people….

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I know I’m not perfect.  I know I’m human.  I know you shouldn’t judge others.   I also know, (and forgot), that you were perfect…

This is a comment I received on one of my past posts yesterday:

The Emotions I Felt When Having an Affair. 

Your son’s response was grown up? Really? What other kinds of “grown up” things are you teaching him? It wasn’t AP’s wife’s fault for anything. It seems like you raised him to believe that as long as you were/are happy, it is/was OK to do hurtful things. Congrats, he’ll probably end up a selfish person just like you. And he met AP’s family? Wow. I wish you hadn’t caught the FB message. Would’ve been better if you were exposed for the kind of person you are. But I guess you got lucky and can continue to be victim and ‘get away’ with this. Also, who are you to say she was a horrible wife? Were you there 24/7?? You know everything that went on in that marriage? Hm, I wonder how much her husband contributed to her being a horrible wife. Did he treat her well, all of the time? LOL calling her a horrible wife….. but look at you. People like you are just….. I don’t even know. Also, no, I am not a betrayed spouse, however I have been affected by the selfishness of people like you and wayward spouses. Hopefully, karma will kick you hard in the butt.

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Ummmm.  My response?  Thats your opinion and you are entitled to it.  I however, know the full story and right or wrong it is what happened.  And I’m pretty sure you are far from perfect.  And I love how your user name leads to nowhere so no one can reply to you.  Coward.   Careful judging others.  You don’t know me or my life or my situation.  It’s okay though, I forgive you.

I don’t care to find out who she is or where she is. I just can’t stand people who scream their opinions and then tuck tail and run when it comes to hearing the other side. She is entitled to her opinion but she wasn’t there. She didn’t hear her calling him a fat bastard in public, infront of their kids. She didn’t hear her tell me that he was horrible in bed. She didn’t her her say “you move us into our new house, I’m not lifting a finger because that isn’t a woman’s job” She didn’t hear her tell him to “clean of the table already, we are done eating, slacker” I watched him be abused for a long time while my husband was off doing drugs and trying to be a rockstar. So she can think what she wants. I hope one day this commenter finds love, (REAL love, CRAZY love) in the not so ‘proper’ place and I hope it makes her realize she spoke before realizing she hadn’t worn my shoes.