I wouldn’t want to be in HIS house when this comes on. Breaks my heart for HIM. Sigh.

Mistresses    New TV show starting next year.

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Quick note

He came home after work.   He brought dinner home.  We ate at the table as a family.   I could only sit and watch how happy my kids were.  He can’t fuck this up.  I will not put them through it again.   I told him this.   He said he knew this was his last chance, that he saw their smiles too.   Please, please, please let him be strong and mean his words.  Please.   It will break me if he doesn’t or can’t.

‘Picture this’

I am telling you, I am all over the board as far as emotions go.

I’m in this mood this morning, where no one can bring me down.

Dancing to songs, you know when there is a little bounce in your step?

Coffee is perfect.

Kids are happy, morning went well.

I told my husband in a text message this:

“Us is up to you and I will not wait forever, because I want to be happy and in love with someone.  I would like for this someone to be you however I will not wait any longer for happy.  I deserve more than to have to wait.  I will hold your hand, but I will not hold you up anymore.   I will not save you, fix you or pay everything I have to make you better.   I feel I have tried and done all those things and it has never worked.   So I am going to be selfish.  Pick me, choose your family, kick the drugs or say goodbye to your family.  Last chance.   This is the last effort in my bag of ‘what to do’s’.   I want to feel like I did with you in the beginning.   Before all of this we were amazing.  Happy. Perfect.  That couple everyone wanted to be.   I don’t need perfection.   I just need clean.   I have come to realize I have exhausted myself trying to help you and it all was a waste of time, because no one can save you but you.   I am here for you, and I love you.  I will not be your crutch anymore.  Stand and walk on your own, next to me. ”

I was all proud of sending it.   It was so hard to hit send.  I knew one of two things would happen.  Wed have another good few months, (and maybe he would really get clean)  OR I wouldn’t hear from him because he knew the addiction would be winner.

I sent it and waited.   Nothing came back.   SHIT.

WAITED annoyed.

Do I text more?   NO.  That is what I WOULD HAVE done in the past, try a diffrent approach.  NO conversation after my demand.  NONE.

I laid in bed annoyed.   Kids sleeping.  Reading.   I had to read over and over each paragraph because I wasn’t absorbing the words I was reading because I couldn’t stop thinking about why he wouldn’t answer.  Maybe he didn’t get it?  Maybe he did and is to ‘high’ to reply.   Guess what I did?

I started sending text pictures.

Our marriage license.

Our wedding picture.

The picture of our daughter when she was born.

The picture of our son when he was born.

The picture of us standing in front of the house we bought.

The picture of us on vacation.

The picture of my wedding ring.

The bottle hanging of champagne unopened from the limo we rented when we got married.

The room key to the Brown Palace hotel room from our wedding night.

The stack of recommendation letters for his work.

Our bed (funny story when we bought it I’ll have to tell you the story sometime).

Our daughters sports trophies.

Her report card of all A’s.

The picture of him holding my son in the hospital when he was so sick.

After all of those pictures I simply texted,

I want and need more pictures, and I want them to have taken place with you in our life.

Thirty minutes later he was home.   A crying sobbing mess.

God help me know what to do and say is all I could think.   I really felt like I shouldn’t say anything.  That the pictures I sent said a thousand words.

I’m not holding my breath.  But he was here, he came home.   This morning he went to work and told me he would be home after work.

When something big is a trigger.

Its overcast here and rainy.  This is one of my favorite types of weather!  My absolute favorite is when it is cold enough to snow but isn’t.   Crunchy leaves on the ground, sharpness in the air, new jeans and long warm scarves.   Crockpot dinners, changing colors on the trees, red rosy cheeks on the kids when they come in.  Flannel sheets, cozy PJ’s and someone to cuddle to sleep with.

I’m not going to lie, just like HIS letter said, this weather “puts you (me) in my (HIS) head”.  And it does the same to me.   I think  because we had a year and a half together the closest most personal part of our relationship fell during the fall and winter.   We met in the summer.  But for six months we only talked.   So we started getting really close and seeing each other in October/November.  Right smack dab in the middle of my favorite weather.   I was so happy that fall.   The tears and emotional stuff was shared during the winter months that year.  Spring was nice because I was getting close to his family but I think that was when it just started to all go wrong.   Summer came and I was helping them move, having sleepovers with their kids and started to get more in touch with my actions and what I was doing.   It started to spiral out of control.   Just became too much.   No one else should have ever been involved.   Our actions hurt a lot of people.

But when the fall colors change, and the scarves get pulled out, and the coffees in hand are fall flavors and the air is brisk the breeze pushing my hair away from my face, the same way it did when I would stand at my car telling HIM goodbye for the evening, it is HIM that comes to mind.  HIM grabbing my scarf and wrapping it tighter around my neck and shoulders to keep me warm on the way home. He would then use it to pull me in to kiss me goodbye.

Damn this weather.   This is a big trigger for me.   I can’t make the season go away.

Nor would I want to.

Alone in my lake

Even with children I feel alone in my own lake.

If I stay in the boat, I remain alone.

If I jump out and swim for my life I will drown.

I feel so exhausted in this battle.

To know what I want I am unable to change.

And what wants me, is still out there asking.

I love what is out there.  I love HIM I do, I care very much about him but the situation is just not possible, even if HE left her.

I have this man here.  That I love, that loves me, he just can’t swim on his own.

And I am tired of swimming for the both of us.

When do you walk away?

How do you walk away?

I am so afraid if I do, I am his last string.  His last effort.  His last reason.

I am so afraid he will die.  I will get that call.

And will I be able to live with myself or forgive myself for not swimming a little longer?

What will my kids think?

Will they think I stood on the shore and watched him drown?

I have failed to show them my efforts, trying to protect them.

I don’t want to put adult issues in their childhood memories.

I don’t want them to worry.

I don’t want them to grow up too fast.   Faster than they already are.

I want to push him under long enough to scare the shit out of him.

Show him with my last bit of strength and effort what he is doing to himself.

Let him see when he is almost gone me pulling him up out of his water.

Scream stop at the top of my lungs.   Let him see his children standing on the shore.

I hate prescription drugs.  I hate what they have done to my life.

My once perfect loving life.

I am lonely.  I miss my husband.  This is his addiction not mine.

I am so close to walking away.

Thing is I know where I’ll end up if I do.   I don’t want that for anyone involved.

 

Okay, where to start with THAT last post.

I was so shocked.  So not sure what to do with that.

Sweet?  Yes.  Kind?  Yes.  Amazing?  Yes.  Honest? Yes.   He is good at talking though.   I DO think he is sincere.  I do.  He has always been sincere.  Remember the lawyers office?  He said all the right things.  He moved me.  Made me not know which end was up.   I just hear this all the time.  I think he means it but how many times can you say the sweet words and not do anything?   I know, I know, he is addicted to pills.  I should understand right?  I have UNDERSTOOD for years now.   Like the day he wrote this.  Let me just say something.   One of my complaints to him is he has missed so much of his kids growing up.  HE AGREED. He said, (REMEMBER) that he didn’t know his child could ride a bike???  He keeps saying he wants to be there.   Remember his daughters first day of shcool was missed and she was upset about it?  Well he missed his daughters lacrosse game.   He not only missed it, but thought I was at a baseball game.   THIS is the stuff I am forced to see when he is writing sweet stuff like this letter.  I am so torn.   I see his sweet but feel his pain.   I hear his words but absorb his actions.   I know his heart, but know his past.   I know he loves me but I cant hold my breath forever.  What else can I do.   One of my blogging friends said maybe this is a good thing for him to read.  He will see what HE meant to you but that you are choosing and want your husband.   (close to that anyway),  I loved that comment.   If anything is Not just black or white, it is this blog.   It is honest and smack dab in the middle full on grey.  What I feel.  Hands down.  All truths.   Another blogger said maybe this is what he needed to wake up.  I wonder how much he read.    Did he have time to read EVERYTHING?  Or just brush over it?  Did he have any feelings on THIS POST?  The post where HE had emailed me?  Wow or even the ones WAY in the beginning when I was so broken?  Whatever.   If he did he did.  He needs to know his actions directly affect where my life is going to go.   He needs to be stronger than his addiction.   Somehow.   I have tried everything I know to try.  I have spent every extra dime I have trying to help him.   I have tried doctors, family, walking away, divorce attorneys and having an affair.   Guess what?  Selfishly the happiest I have been during this entire addiction process is when I selfishly thought of myself and let myself love someone.   And those actions moved him into the cleanest months he has had yet.  He just gets comfortable and we start doing good and shit starts again.   I am becoming numb to the cycle.   I love him.   I do.  I always have.   He acts different.  He looks different.   He has aged.  He is tired.   He is becoming a stranger to me.   It is so hard to explain.    I have given HIM up, even when HE attempts to talk to me.   I have fully focused on my marriage and I don’t feel like I have received the same back.    I love my husband so much.   But all the love in the world can’t save him from what he struggles with.  He has to do that on his own.  My fear is it won’t be in time to save us, as much as I would like to wait.   My biggest fear is it will kill him and my kids and I will have to deal with that.   Harsh? Yes.  Its sadly a very possible reality.  So my wall is always up.   My daughter won her game by the way and wondered where her dad was.  Again.

I found this in my draft folder. CRAP. Guess he didn’t know how to post it? Or maybe he wasn’t done.

My wifes blog.

She was logged on while at a baseball game.

Wow.  To read this.  Her words.  Her feelings.  My actions.

My actions lead to someone loving her more than I ever did.

Well that isnt true.  I still love her so much.

I don’t know what I think about people being able to read about my faults.

Guess I shouldn’t have given her something to talk about.

I wish I knew how to see how many people can read this.   Anyone?

I wonder if she will be mad that I figured out how to post on this.

If she reads this I want her to know somethings.   Can you read your own blog?

If you read this C (maybe I shouldnt use your name) I want you to know I love you.

I have a problem.   I am trying to fix it.   It consumes me.

This sounds messed up but I am glad you found B.    I’m glad someone could make you happy when I couldn’t.   I am glad you had someone.   You deserved to have someone.   I have managed to fuck everything up.  Time and time again.   I hope anyone who reads your blog knows you are not a bad person.  you are an excellent person.  An amazing mother.  And you were a perfect wife when I treated you like a husband should.

I cant tell you what pills do to me.  I know you don’t understand how they have more importantce than you, i don’t even understand that either.   I feel like someone other than me makes me swallow them.   I have this constant battle in my mind and heart and it is always over you.   my head telling me to swallow and my heart telling me to grow up and be a man and claim my family.  My wife.

I remember when you respected me like I was the most important thing in the world.  You say it is because I treated you that way too.  I would do anything to get back to that place.   I just think I have hurt you too much.    You are beautiful, kind, patient, loving, and way to good for me.

If I ran into B, I truly think I would thank him for loving you when I was an asshole and couldn’t.  At least I know you were happy during my unhappiest of times.

I watch you sleeping and wonder how I could have hurt you so much.  Wonder how you have found it in you to forgive me time and time again.   Wonder how you managed to keep our home, keep it clean, keep the kids in sports, attend those sports, get them to all their activities and keep our house clean and the yard work done.  While I was where?  Half the time I don’t even remember.  30 pills would last me a day maybe two.

You took your retirement money and put me in rehab.   I blew that.

I feel as though I blew everything.  Please know if I knew how to make my heart speak louder than my mind we would be perfect.