Yes,

Image

everyday for the last five months.  

Advertisements

I emailed him today. Not sure if thats good or bad.

Hey you.

Its been awhile.   I think of you everyday still.   I have emotions all across the board.  I want so badly what I can’t have.
I just don’t know what to think.    Are you not working?  Thus its impossible to contact me?  Are you working but not at a job that you can contact me?  Are you working at a new job but trying to give your all to your marriage?   I am okay with all of the above but the not knowing is tough.   You not mailing the phone back leaves questions too.  Maybe he hasn’t had a moment away from her to be able to mail it back.  Maybe he is hanging on to it because it is a link to me.   Maybe she found it and smashed it.  Maybe he did mail it and it got lost in the mail.  I’m terrified to get it.
I think about you every single day.   I pray (everyday) that you found work and if you haven’t that you quickly will.   I put on my big girl face and tell myself it was a year and a half of amazing and that I need to show some respect and walk away from wonderful.  Just typing that hurts. Then I get these feelings of fuck all of this I want him and I love him. I want him regardless of who gets hurt.  Those feelings get pushed down quickly because I am not a irrational person.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your smile.
I miss your telling me good morning.
I miss your emails.
I miss your hands.
I miss talking about nothing.
I miss talking about everything.
I miss hearing you are not happy in your marriage. (selfishly).
I miss seeing you.
I miss your kids.
I miss your charm.
I miss your encouragement.
I miss your understanding.
I miss blogging happily.
I miss feeling so small in your tall embrace.
I had a moment.   A moment at school at a board meeting.  Brian (one of the past board members) over heard me telling another mom a joke, and at the punch line he rubbed my hair making it a mess as he said, “you’re killing me smalls”  I laughed it off and walked to the bathroom and started crying.   I miss you.  I can’t figure out how I am supposed to just forget that.   I see you, hear you, feel you in everything!
I hope you are doing well.  I hope you think of me often.  And I hope I see an email one day just saying hi.  Actually I’d love to just see an email or text saying you are working.  I am so worried about that.  I want more than anything you to be able to provide for your family.  I fell in love with your children and worry that you possibly may still be looking for work.
Love you,  (always)
C

Aching at the deepest part of me

I miss our conversations.   I miss laughing so hard with you that I cry.  I miss seeing a man talk about things with so much emotion that he cries.   You know that moment I knew I loved you?  I miss that.   This is so hard.  Harder than anything I have ever done.  The thing I miss the most?  I miss the full conversation that occurred when I looked at you across a room regardless of who was in it and hearing and understanding the entire conversation without any words being exchanged.  That I love you so much look.

Its not impossible

If he really wanted to talk to me he COULD find a way right?  He WOULD find a way right?  Regardless of having a job or not right?   I think I am being stupid to think that he isn’t calling because he can’t.  If theres a will there is a way.

Thing is he has my extra cell phone.  He said he’d mail it back months ago.   I can understand her keeping an eye on him but I highly doubt she never leaves his side where he couldn’t send one text that says: still out of work… thinking of you often.  I need help on how to just assume its over.  Just walk away.  Three months it has been.  If and when the email comes or the phone rings it will.  Until then I think I need to wake up from the amazing dream that came to an abrupt nightmarish end.  Why does it have to hurt?

I know what my problem is!

I am a control freak, and I have absolutely NO control over this situation.  I have no control over him emailing me.  Calling me.  Texting me.  If there was will there would be a way right? Pay phone? A simple hi.  Something?  I have heard nothing.  I wish I could just hear him say either I miss you or please just walk away.  Its the not knowing.  Its the fear of never finding or feeling love like I felt with him.  I feel like I lost my best friend.  And the hardest part?  Is walking around acting like nothing is wrong because no one knows.   Feeling him in every song.  Seeing him as a character in every movie…  he becomes characters in the books I read.  The last person I think of at night and the first person I wake up thinking of.  I get this urge to shut down my blog and make myself forget…  if that is even possible… just stop talking about it all together but I can’t.   I have been looking for a therapist to talk to.  So many areas of my life are insane right now.  Its probably Karma lol but seriously it is hitting me from every direction.  My husband and his life that he hasn’t included me in for about three years.  My teenage daughter is struggling.  My grandmother and aunt just passed away.  My ex husband is an asshole.  I am on three boards at my kids’ school and there are issues in all of them.  And then there is this man that loved me.  We had this amazing thing.  And he can’t/won’t just pick up a phone and say I haven’t forgotten you, life is just incredibly stupid and hard right now without me working.   I miss him…  I miss him so much that it physically hurts.   I have lost desire to do anything other than be a mom and clean.  I don’t want to go shopping.  I don’t want to read.  I don’t want to scrapbook.  I don’t want to fix things with my husband.  I don’t want to fight with my ex husband.  I don’t want to go to the gym, (although it is right by his house), I don’t want to hang out with my friends because they know me too well and will see right through my sadness and I am afraid at this point I would share all.

How wonderful he was. I mean he is.

So I am sitting in bed with the TV on in the background.  I put the kids to bed and love the quiet.  No my husband isn’t home, (but that is normal).   I love when the only thing I can hear is the clock ticking and the tapping of keys on my laptop.  I went to dinner tonight with my girlfriend.  We have a restaurant  here called the Yard House.  It is super amazing.  They have this fabulous light beer/malt like drink called a pear cider.  Super light and super yummy and after two of them I feel relaxed… three or four would have been nice lol (with a ride home and no kids), however I have the role of mommy to play tonight.  I sat there listening to the loud music remembering how I invited HIM and his wife to come to dinner with my husband and I there.   I remember watching him sing along to the loud music that fills the place.  He was in a great mood, his wife was having a good time and all I could think about was him.  My husband was late from work (surprise, surprise) and going to meet us there and his kids had to go to the bathroom a couple of times and his wife took them.  We would glance at each other wishing we were alone.   I could get lost in just looking at him.  I had to be careful.  I was so worried that his wife would catch me staring.   I don’t know how it wasn’t obvious because I would almost NOT look at him, avoiding him practically worried she’d see through me.  Realize I loved her husband.  I didn’t mean to love him.   I thought it would be a week (maybe) of conversation.  I never imagined that conversation would go on for a year and a half combined with amazing meetings.   Amazing in person conversations.  Long wonderful amazing conversations.  About nothing yet about everything.   Everything that moved me and nothing that mattered yet held my attention.  I miss the lazy, no rush, no hurry feeling.  The feeling that he had time for me no matter how much time it took.

You know how you have heard about heart strings?  The saying that something ‘pulled’ on your heart strings?  Well I understood the saying and understood what people MEANT when they said that saying but when I met him and fell for him, I KNEW for a fact the way that saying FELT.   When he would leave my heart physically HURT… I felt that tugging.Image

Taking it day by day.

I decided to start this blog in addition to my other one….  I wanted one just about my married man.  Nothing to do with my husband and our issues.  Just one about my affair.  I feel like a lot of my readers of my other blog didn’t comment or read or care too much about my life at home…. they wanted to know about my affair, my choices, my feelings and my situation of loving a married man.  So I decided to have one blog that I write about everything and one blog that I write about the most amazing nearly two years I have ever known.  No man made me feel the way he did.  No man has ever listened to me the way he did.  No man has ever made me blush, smile and laugh the way he did.  I just don’t get it.  Why people come into our lives when they do? Post by post my, our, the story will unfold. Maybe someone will see that I am human.  I don’t want to say I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong, I just at the time was so sad and so hurt and so needing to feel love and be loved that I didn’t care.  I truly had intentions of only keeping it online which we did for just over six months… it just grew… got to be too much… too many feelings.  I listened to my heart and not my head. Do I regret my actions?  Yes and no.  I regret hurting his wife.  I regret letting his kids down and affecting the friendship our kids had (get this), together.   I regret not upholding my commitment to my husband and ending it the ‘right way’ being that it is truly bad enough to do so, even before my affair.  I regret not kissing him goodbye one more time because I didn’t know the last time I saw him would be the last time I’d see him.  But I do not regret the time.  The love… the feelings… the experience.  It truly was the best love I have ever known/felt.  And you will never convince me that it was anything else… Two years of sharing.  Two years of excitement to share what we were  going through, what we were experiencing together, two years of laughter, two years of emotions that can’t be described.  Those feelings, those emotions, just don’t go away.