9,914

 

is the number of hits on my blog.  Wow.  Almost 10 thousand.  Me a little ol’ no one…. well I know my worth, I am a someone, but a ten thousand hit someone?  I didn’t think so, but I do now… Thank you to all of my readers.  I appreciate having someone to type/vent/talk/bitch/complain/cry/laugh/and be real to.   Seriously.  I love you all.

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A perfect weekend.

 

 

It’s so late, and again I can’t sleep.  I feel very all over the place.  A million thoughts going a million miles an hour.  Why don’t I think like this during the day?  I just lay down and the thoughts just start.

I need a new mac.   I feel like my mac is new.  It blows me away how fast technology changes.  You have a computer for a year and it is already behind in everything.   I have had my mac (laptop) for almost three years, its starting to get slow and the newest update won’t ‘work’ on it.   I went in to buy another one and looked an instead bought an imac, (desktop).  I love our new ‘big’ computer but there is something about laying in bed in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and be able to blog or whatever and not have to be up and out at the desk.  I mainly use the big mac for my business.  I should have bought the laptop.  Damn.   Oh well… it is what it is.

My husband called me a couple days ago and said he wanted to spend Saturday together.  I hesitated.   More issues have surfaced and I am trying to be forgiving and helpful but you can only be shit on so many times before you just walk away for good.   I am trying.  God knows I am trying.

I think I am trying a little bit harder since I’ve made a new friend here on my blog.   Understanding his feelings and heartbreak when his wife decided to move on has made me think beyond our up front issues.   All this blogger, (friend) wants is one more chance with his wife.   One more time to prove to her things have changed.   One more try.   He is such a good man with a good heart, I wish his wife could /would be convinced.  His posts are heart wrenching.  I feel like I am sitting in his living room and he is talking to me.   They are so real, so raw, so touching.    His blog has made me think a LOT.   There are a TON of similarities in our stories.   So many times I find myself wishing I knew his wife to tell her, THIS MAN LOVES YOU!  He adores you!  He needs you.  He wants you.  He desires you.  Listen to him.  Hear him.  Try with him.  Just one more time.

So when my husband asked to spend Saturday with us, I hesitated.  When you ask to spend time with US that us includes our kids.  I hate giving them this teaser, (like a movie preview)… of their mom and dad being happy and life being great, just for their little hopes desires and dreams to be dropped again.   So when he asked to spend the day with us I hesitated, like I said but found myself thinking of my new friend.  How he just wants so badly for his wife to try again.   So in thinking about him and his story and his touching blog that I have read start to finnish , I told my husband we (the kids and I) would spend the day with him.   We have a zoo here in Colorado called the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo.  It is HUGE.  It is beautiful!  We had such a good time.  The drive up there was fun.  We listened to music that the kids sang to, (80’s songs that I have burned in my kids heads over the years of their lives!  We talked, we laughed, we talked about our favorite animals and if we thought we would see them there. We stopped for breakfast.  The kids ate pancakes, smiling the entire time and loving our family time.  My son insisted on sitting next to daddy so I sat across from him.  I ate what I could and picked up my coffee and just looked at my husband.   Where did we get lost?  I still see him in there and I love him so much.   He caught my eye and we just looked at each other.  You know that look where you know what the other is thinking and no words have to even be exchanged?  That look.  I had my elbows on the table (rude I know but I was done eating) and was holding my coffee cup up at my mouth.  Looking over the cup at him.   The kids were talking about their excitement for the zoo.  I just looked at him.  Emotions flew over me.  My everything is at this table.  My best times and worst times have been with everyone at this table.  If I could bottle up a moment it would have been right then.  My kids.  My husband, my family.  My life.  Laughter, conversation, and no sign of addiction anywhere.   At that moment I felt his foot rub up the inside of my leg. He smiled over his coffee cup and said, “I don’t deserve someone so loving and so forgiving.”   My eyes of course welled up.   I looked out the window and tried to hold back tears.  We had the best day.  All day long.  It was like our marriage was in the very beginning.   I took amazing photos.  Tons of them.  My daughter wanted to take a picture of him and I and it was the best picture we ever have taken together.    It looks like this perfect happy couple.   My seven year old at the zoo walked in between him and I and held both of our hands each time she saw another animal she would let go of our hands and place our hands together.  We walked hand in hand through out the zoo.   Everything I love and care about was right there.

We left the zoo and headed home.  Half way home we stopped for dinner.  Again my son wanted to sit by daddy, which is fine I enjoyed watching him be a daddy.  Cut his food up and help him when needed.  I have missed seeing a man play the role of daddy in my house.   It is so sexy to me.    I didn’t realize how much my son resembles him.  Expressions that are identical and they did them together as I was sitting there watching.  Needless to say it was a good day.   We came home and put the kids to bed.  He asked if I was up for  dessert.  I just smiled because at first I wasn’t sure if he was being serious or sexually playful.   He lit these amazing candles I bought  HERE (AMAZING BTW), and grabbed the container of strawberries and the vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce.  We sat at the kitchen table and ate strawberries and chocolate.   Neither of us ate much of the ice cream.   We cleaned up and he was going to leave he said “thank you for letting me spend the day with you and the kids..” and I cut him off and asked him to stay the night.  (We have been up and down and doing some of this apart stuff like our therapist said) he looked at me and said he would love to stay.  We laid in bed and just talked for hours.  Yes he made love to me, (I am assuming you knew that part lol),  we soon after fell asleep.  I of course didn’t stay asleep because I CANT EVER SLEEP, and I laid there and just listened to him breathing.   I want this to work.  I need this to work.   It is so odd how when its good, its really really good and when its bad,  its BAD.   I want no more bad.   I woke up to the most amazing smell.  He with the kids was making waffles.   Laughter coming from my kitchen.  Hearing him say to the kids be quiet mommy is still sleeping.   I love him.   I do.  I never stopped.   I just need certain things to stay out of our relationship.  I had coffee, waffles, my kids and my husband.  It was a pretty amazing weekend.

I apologize if this post doesn’t make sense or seems to ramble. It’s almost 2 in the morning and I am exhausted but can’t sleep… my brain seems as though it is working but at 2 in the morning I am making NO promises.   LOL.    I hope all of you,  (my blogging friends),  are sleeping soundly resting up for your upcoming posts that I look so forward to reading.

Remembering…

Come see that bare skin on my side where your frozen snow exposed finger tips slid under my shirt several months ago.

I’ll never forget your cold lips and hot breath upon my skin in the most intimate places.

The way everything was forgotten but you and what you were doing to me.

Forgetting home. Forgetting life. Forgetting reality. Forgetting time.

Feeling emotions. Feeling arousal. Feeling alive. Feeling all of my senses form together.

Feeling love for someone like I never had.

Feeling what emotions were supposed to feel like when private moments like that we’re shared with someone.

(I can’t get HIM out of my head today.)

So you don’t think you could have an affair? Yeah thats what I thought too.

I doesn’t matter who you are.   You can be a average working Joe, or a million dollar film director.   You can be a stay at home mom or a military dad.  You can be  Christian, Jewish or have no religion at all.  You can be tall, short, heavy set or thin.  You can be you or you can be me.  The thing is you can have an affair.   If the moments were right and you were hurting at home and someone was there to love you, (who wanted to love you and be loved) it can happen.  Yes we know right from wrong.   But it is so hard to explain how it starts.  That one fine wire that you cross knowing you are doing wrong is covered up or made blurry by all the good you feel.  Pretty soon you don’t even focus on the bad, the guilt or the negative.   You are just happy.  Your needs are somehow instantly being met.  Sometimes its emotional.  Sometimes sexual.  Sometimes both.  Sometimes it truly is just feeling like someone asked you how your day was and REALLY cared about your answer.  You know, didn’t ask you out of habit.    I don’t understand how quickly it happens and how quickly it is over.   Sometimes no one knows anything and you just come to your senses.  Sometimes you get caught.  Sometimes one side finds out.  Regardless, somehow, someday, somewhere MOST affairs fall apart.  And when they do, down fall the pieces of lives all around you of people that were affected by your choices.  Your happiness that you felt during your amazing affair, is somewhere in the back of your mind and you can barely see it or feel it because you are so focused on the hurt you are feeling from your actions. Hurt that you wish you would have known would be coming.  Hurt that exceeds ANY and ALL reasons you had an affair to begin with.  Then when the dust of our actions starts to fall, and healing and repairing begin, up come those feelings of missing that OTHER person.  You see things that make you think.  Hear things that make you remember.  You can go from fine to a total panic attack over the lost person in your life that you grew to love.  And understand most will admit love.  I know I loved HIM.  I know he loved me.   You don’t talk to someone for nearly two years, every single day and not develop feelings.   Those three little words WERE exchanged.  Through tears a couple times.   I am so tired of being judged.   I am so tired of the way people look at you for being “That Whore that nearly destroyed THEIR marriage”.   He made the choices too.  With me.   We both did. Neither of us was right.  We BOTH made bad choices.  And you judging assholes better be careful, because one day something will happen that you could be standing in my shoes, (or HIS) and the way you react either makes you a human or a human.   Either way, you are a human being with feelings, needs, emotions and longing somehow for some reason for something more.

Date night.

We had a date night.

We went to Snow White and the Huntsman.

Mixed feelings watching a love story.

This is so hard.

I am avoiding posting because I don’t want you guys to have to deal with how down I am.

Maybe this isn’t what I want.

I don’t know.  We just have both hurt each other so much.  I love him.  I do.  I care about him I do.  I just can’t seem to let go of the YEARS he was gone.  I can’t imagine ever loving him the way I used to.

I have good days and bad days.

We walked silently back to the car after the movie it was just awkward…

that awkward silence.   I don’t know what to do.   Without the kids everything is so quiet like there is nothing to talk about.

What am I going to do?

My pastor talked me into one last effort.

He personally is going to council us.

He believes in my husband.

He believes in me.

He believes in us.

I guess he has a counseling book on both, affairs and addiction and we are going to combine them and work on one each week alternating.

He helped me see/understand that moving on was understandable after two years, but married is married.

He helped Steve see that I felt like I had been ‘left’ which then made me feel like ‘moving on’ was okay.

The part I am most excited about?  Not that I wish this on anyone.  He lost his first wife, (who had an affair) because he started drinking too much and hit rock bottom.   So we have this person who has BEEN there.

I’m excited.  I’m scared.  I’m nervous.  I’m hopeful.

I’m Terrified.

I know, I know, I know.

I’ve been so strong.  I didn’t fall to HIM begging me to talk to him.  Until I was at a low.  Now what… start the stupid process over?  No, and it’s pretty easy this time being that HIS response to my text was, (and this is what I love about HIM).

“I know you.  I know you are mad and hurt right now.   I know you don’t mean the text you just said to me, it just seems like what you want.  I’m here for you but only if you text me again.”

and I didn’t.  I don’t want to open up another can of worms, it isn’t fair to anyone.  Myself, HIM or his wife.

This is what I am telling you guys.  HE knows me inside and out.  He knows what is really in my heart.  I don’t want my husband because he keeps shitting on me…. but I don’t want HIM either, because he isn’t all mine.  I’m not settling for any less ever again.  I think the path I am on is sadly one of divorce and fully getting over my marriage before I am even focusing on moving on.  Thats that.

How do I help my husband?  I feel like I have tried everything.  I am sick of trying.  Frankly I am exhausted from getting my hopes up.

I’m still here.

Last Saturday night was bad.

We went to a friends bday party.   I had two drinks in a four hour time frame…. as did MOST of the adults.  It was a group of people in their 30’s and 40’s that were having a good time.  Sitting on a back deck in the sunshine, laughing and just having fun.  That is until my husband had to be the one that got trashed.   Had to be the one to embarrass me.  Again.   Had to be the one that drank too much.  Had to be the one that had me apologizing.   Playing his air guitar in this kitchen in front of a dozen or so people.  Thinking he was fucknig hysterical.  I was so embarrassed.  I was so mad.  I was so hurt.   My poor kids.  What a joke.  We drove 99.9% of the way home in silence.  I was boiling…. I was about to explode.   He couldn’t even talk, when he tried to he slurred.

We were three blocks from home and I yelled, Why is it always you that acts like an idiot?

Why is it always me that is embarrassed?

Why is it always me that is apologizing?

Why is it always me that has to time my drinks and be the responsible one?  And don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean I want to get trashed, its me being a RESPONSIBLE parent, realizing we have to drive home.

Why can’t you stop at one or two drinks?

We pulled in the driveway and the kids walked in the house and went straight to bed, they had been sleeping in the car… it was late.

I stood at the garage door when his slurring I mean yelling started.

“Why do you always have to be such a bitch?  I wanted a wife, not a mother.  Why do you always have to be so stuck up and so perfect?  You are a fucking bitch.  A guy can never let loose and have a little fun around you.  You have to be so straight laced and stuck up and self centered!”

Each word hurt.  Each word from his drunkness slurred into the next.   The five sentences blended together in one slobbering mess.   All I could say was, “GET OUT!”

He said, “Let me get my keys”

I said “HELL NO you are not driving anywhere just leave, call someone, you have your phone.

He walked out of the garage and I closed it and hit lock on the keypad feature.

I was shaking.   I was so angry.  I was pissed.

I picked up the phone and called his sister who lives like five blocks away from us.   She said she’d go get him.

I am sick of him falling off of this wagon.    Hell I am sick of his wagon.  Buy a damn seatbelt already.

In my anger I did what I wasn’t supposed to do.    I was so hurt and so angry.  I am so mad at myself.   I sent a text to HIM.  I know stupid right??  All it said was this:

“I am so hurt, so angry, so alone and you were right.  You told me it would happen again and it did.  The difference now, is that you are not here to carry me away and make me forget.  I want you to be with your family.  I don’t miss our affair, I miss our friendship.  I miss having someone to talk to.  I miss feeling like someone cared about me enough not to be an asshole and treat me like shit.  Thank you for that year and a half that you did nothing to hurt me, and did nothing but make me smile.”

I set the alarm on the house, put the dogs in their kennel, took a Xanax,  glanced at my phone at the text from his sister, “Got him- he’s trashed, you have put up with too much for too long!”   and cried myself to sleep.