Shhhhhh! It’s a secret….

What would you do if….

You and I were really good friends and you found out this was my blog?   Would you be shocked that this was ‘my’ story?  Would you be mad that I had an affair?  Would your view of me change if you knew me?  Would you hug me understandingly or would you be pissed that I didn’t talk to you?  Its not quite the story you can share with people without them judging you.  I was just curious if you read a blog as CrAzY as mine, and found out it was one of your best friends what would you do?

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A little bit of this and a little bit of that….

I couldn’t sleep last night.  Surprise, surprise.

I laid there all night, (I’m not kidding when I say all night, I remember seeing the clock last at 5:10 and got up at 6:30).   During the day I can clean and change my focus– stay busy, and avoid thinking of either of them.    But at night, its a different situation.  It’s quiet.  The house is already clean.   There is nothing to do but think.  I can’t read or work on paperwork because I am too tired, yet not tired enough to sleep.   My girlfriend says Xanax helps her sleep, I am not seeing that.  It makes that nervous feeling go away but I’m still awake.

My husband looks better.   He is doing awesome.  I’m seeing that ‘light’ in his eyes coming back on… he doesn’t appear to be in a daze.   I’m talking to him civilly but not friendly does that make sense?  I let him have the kids and they went to the pumpkin patch.  I dropped them off to him.  He asked me to go.  I kindly said I had a few things to do and left.  I sat in my car a little ways away and just cried.  I wanted to be there with them SO badly.  I want that family stuff again but just can’t jump in too soon if even at all.

I may need to have surgery on my hip.  I’m freaking out.   As if I can do that….   One more thing to make being alone even more impossible.   I find myself constantly thrown into situations where I need the help of someone.  Let me tell you that it sucks to be alone, but let me tell you what it is like to be alone and really NEED someone.   I can’t deal with my mom for that long.  Not that she’d even stay with me and help me with five kids.  But who else is there?  My teens could step up and help at night but they have school all day… and my business I can hire temp help, but I don’t know… and the thought of sports and schedules… enough to CAUSE ANXIETY.  LOL more meds.

My husband says there is an easy solution, to LET him help me.

Well with surgery comes pain meds….

yeah, no.  NOT AN OPTION.

Although I dream about (if and when I sleep lol) someone helping me.   Taking care of me.  Being able to be here all the time for me.  Being able to leave my meds on my side table by my bed and have someone not even think of taking them, leaving me without any, leaving me in pain.   I want that person that thinks of me being in pain, being their own pain.  Someone who loves me so much they would never want me to hurt or be in pain.  So I tell my doctor I need to plan, figure and think about this surgery.

Last night I was thinking to myself.

What would I do if HE knocked on my door?  Would I open it?  (yes of course)

Then what?   I feel like I’ve come so far but I know for a fact if he knocked I’d loose it in a moments time.   I play that coffee shop scene in my head over and over.   Our talk.  That kiss on my head.  Me going outside and hugging him.   Thats all I want is the comfort.   I don’t need the sex.   I don’t need the sneaking.  I don’t need the excitement.  I just miss the friendship and the caring and genuine compassion.   I just think we were both treated so badly that we miss the respect we BOTH had for each other.

My dads doesn’t like Mexican food very often, but when he does he LOVES a certain restaurant here.   There is only one of them and it is SERIOUSLY NO JOKE across the street from HIS house.   I don’t mean two minutes away.  I mean when you sit on their patio eating, you can SEE his house.   My dad got a promotion, (yes he is still working because my dad is a workaholic and can’t retire and sit on his ass and do nothing lol) and with this promotion he wanted to go to dinner and celebrate and of course this is where he wanted to go.  Instantly I try and think of a million excuses not to go.   What if they are there?  What if I run into them.   What if she sees my car?  What if she thinks I am eating there just to rub myself into her face?  My car stands out… its not a ‘on the road everywhere vehicle’.   So the whole time we are eating I feel like I am going to vomit.  I had two margaritas each sip just made me stare at his house longer.   My dad points to their housing development…. he says, “you could move up here, this is a good little subdivision!”   Do I have torture me written on my head?  It looks as though he is pointing to their house.   Sip.  Sip.  Sip.  Needless to say I was so anxious to leave and then he says, we should get some ice cream at this little ice cream shop right here… the kids would love it, “HEY KIDS YOU WANT AN ICE CREAM CONE?”  Great… five hundred feet CLOSER to his house.   The lights are on in their upstairs bedrooms… the bedrooms I helped them paint.   I know from their windows that they couldn’t ‘SEE’ me but I know they could ‘SEE’ my car.  My kids ate their ice cream laughing and I watched my dad smiling with my kids.  Instantly I was pissed.  *THIS SITUATION*  is  affecting  memories being set with my dad.   My dad is my world and he wanted to buy them ice cream and I am stressing out if she will see my car.   Thats it.  We live in the same city.  What happened happened.  My kids are having ice cream with my dad here.  She can deal.  and I can deal.  Thats what happens when you live seriously MINUTES apart.

My weekend

My birthday was this weekend.

A little crazy weekend actually.

I got an email from HIM saying, “just jumped online real quick to send you an email because I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday. I wish we were spending it together, just the two of us, you and I.”

I got a handmade gift from my husband that years ago I had seen and loved. He’s known this and decided to make it while he’s been at his moms.

I still haven’t asked my husband to come home. Not sure if I will. My head and heart want different things and for different reasons.

My two teenagers took me and the other kids out to lunch (and paid) it was so sweet.
I wish my love life was as simple as loving my children.

I’ll stop there before I start sounding pathetic. Again.

The color RED was VERY relevant in my affair.

Red is my favorite color. He loved the color red. Red was talked about a lot. The color was in the title of both of the blogs I had with him.

Taylor Swift came out with this song this week called red. Woah. Heard it in the car and had to pull over and sobbed. Way real. Way relevant. Just real. I’m freaking out about how real the song is for me.
Read the lyrics.

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind
Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind
Once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn
So bright just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you’ve never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

Touching him is like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong

Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you’ve never met
But loving him was red
Oh red burning red

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head

Burning red!
Darling it was red!

Oh, losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you’ve never met
Cause loving him was red yeah yeah red
We’re burning red

And that’s why he’s spinning round in my head
Comes back to me burning red
Yeah yeah

Cause love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

Anxiety ??

My house is clean.  My laundry is done.   I did sports, homework, dinner, showers, made sure the kids brushed their teeth, made sure they have clean uniforms for school tomorrow, put them to bed, dusted, changed my sheets, vacuumed, did the dishes, bought a new table, paid my cell phone bill, took out the trash, lit a candle, turned on the TV for my favorite show, (Parenthood) and poured a glass of wine.  I have a problem.  I can’t NOT sit still.  I am cleaning to the point there is nothing more to clean.  Seriously.   I vacuumed three times today.  Now granted I have five kids, so they were tracking the fall leaves in but wouldn’t a SANE person just vacuum at the end of the day VS several times a day?  A ‘normal’ person would say I needed a hobby but seriously the thought of doing one more thing or adding one more thing to my/our schedule is enough to make me want to jump off a cliff.   I started taking Xanax for anxiety.  My lovely Dr. prescribed it after he asked me how I am doing, (physical) and I just started bawling.   I said I am not worried about being a mom or going to do anything crazy I don’t feel like that.   I just feel (my exact words) like I am standing in a scary movie and it is the part where you KNOW the bad guy is going to jump out.  I find myself frantically moving about DOING DOING DOING and holding my breath.  I feel like I can’t breathe.    Yet when I sit down or relax or do something for me ITS TEN TIMES WORSE.   I think my affair took up so much of my time and made me happy that it took the time to be obsessive away.  I think when I was so focused on my husband and his where-abouts and his pills, and his surroundings and being his mom that I didn’t think about me or pay attention to the leaves on the floor I didn’t have time to do it.   I don’t really have time now, don’t misunderstand.   I’ve tried watching movies.  Netflix is my new bff.  I’ve tried reading I can’t focus I have to read a paragraph two or three times to comprehend it.  Not sleeping at night doesn’t help either.  It just adds being a royal grump-ass to the problem.   So needless to say he thought it was anxiety.  We will see.   Thats all for now.  I need to go vacuum.  Kidding.  Well kinda.  I could vacuum my bedroom.  Sigh.  Night all.  I appreciate all of you!  CHEERS!

So it’s been awhile.

Maybe its because I don’t have much to blog about.   I used to feel like I had the world in my head spinning at a million miles an hour and all I could do to get it out was blog.

I now feel like I am kind of boring.   You know my whole story.  My everything.  I don’t know if you even want to hear any of it anymore.   Crazy I guess.

The leaves are still changing and falling here.  I, (like you know) love this time of  year.   Its beautiful.  Races romantic thoughts through my head.   HE is the most romantic person I know.  However I will say that my husband this morning from his moms house texted me the most odd text message.   Odd for him.  I had to look twice to make sure it was from my husband and not HIM.   But it was from my husband.   It read:

“I miss your warm body at night.  I really know now I would be lost without you and our family.  I want you, I need you, I miss you.  I am the luckiest man to have you.  I miss your sweet touch and I am going to get better so I can feel it again.”

Yeah.  I still have heart-strings.

Lately….

Update on me and my kids would be just a normal update.  My husband calls and talks to me every night like we did when we were dating.  Late night phone calls.   I SOOOO bad want to ask him to come over but I won’t.     I am going to let this just be the opposite of what I want to do or what I would normally do.   So we talk.

The kids are doing great.  I am getting a little stressed out with the sports schedules, (I always do this time of year).  I feel like we don’t eat as healthy because we are rushing dinner to get to practices, rushing home from practices to do homework and then rushing to bed.  I feel like I am rushing through my kids’ childhoods.  They are growing up so fast.

I went to the funeral of Jessica Ridgeway.  It was heartbreaking.  If you don’t know the story (and I don’t know how you wouldn’t have heard about it), a little girl age 10 disappeared here on her way to school.  The parents were cleared and the investigation began.  They found *PART* of her body and through DNA confirmed it was her.  It is heartbreaking.  Our poor babies.  I keep finding myself sick over the thought of how badly she must have been hurt before dying.   I pray she passed before this monster tortured her into pieces.  The funeral was moving.  TONS of children and families attended.  This amazing community we have.   Now we have had more attemepted abductions.  Both before and after Jessica.  It is so scary.  I am SO glad my children don’t walk or ride busses to school.  That I am able to get them from door to door.  I stepped up as a safe parent and offered to drive other children home so that they wouldn’t have to walk, but I am very well known in the school my kids attend.   You are not seeing kids playing outside right now.   You are not seeing kids at the park.  If you do their parent is standing RIGHT next to them, they are not sitting on the park bench glancing up every ten seconds from their book.  No one says hi.  Everyone is shutting down.    I can honestly say I haven’t forgotten to set the alarm on the house at night ONCE since this thing has happened.   Again, it makes me want my husband home.  I hope we catch this sicko before any other children, (or adults) get hurt.  I know we will find him or her eventually, and get justice for Jessica.  Jessica, I hope you RIP and shine down on your mommy and daddy.  I can’t imagine how badly they hurt right now.

Hug your kids tighter.   And not just when this stuff happens.