Faking Holly and Jolly.

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What does this time of year do to you?  Does it make you feel rushed?  Annoyed? Grumpy?   Does it slow you down and make you realize life is amazing and we are blessed?  Does it cause you to sit back and absorb your child’s smile?   I experience so many feelings during the holidays.  Feelings that are all over the place.  I am thankful for my family, friends and their health.  I’m grateful for my job and clients.  I’m appreciative to those in my life that are here to play a role in my life or the life of my children, such as their teachers, our doctors, my mechanic,  you know those people you tend to take for granted.  Sadly.

I love the feelings, (well most of them), that I get or feel when I see children, (especially mine), during the holidays.  I won’t lie, I’m soooo excited I still have my youngest.  Christmas isn’t as ‘fun’ when your kids are all teens.  Yes I love that they all come home and they all ‘seem’ to get along and enjoy each other, but there is something about small children and Christmas.  That excitement.  That twinkle in their eye.  That anxiety and inability to fall asleep out of sheer excitement because Santa is coming.  I’m so glad I get that for a couple more years with my youngest two.

But then there are those feelings that sting.

Five years ago on Christmas Eve in my house you might find the stereo playing music softly after the kids had gone to bed.  You might find me drinking a glass of wine, wrapping the last minute gifts.  You would see a husband sitting back soaking in his blessings.  You’d see me glance over and him and I just connect.  At that moment our eye contact shared so much information in seconds.  Our love for each other.  Our appreciation of the other.  Instant romantic and sexual connection.  You could almost see the words “Merry Christmas Babe, I love you” being said without any words being exchanged.

Ugh.

I hate pills.

They robbed me of my marriage and they robbed my kids of the dad they deserve.

Christmas is not supposed to be lonely.

I mean I have my kids,  and I have a HUGE family, my sister, brother, parents etc but there is something about having a spouse or partner during the holidays.   I know I haven’t talked about HIM that much lately, but yes, I think about HIM too.   I wonder what occurs in their house on Christmas Eve after the kids are asleep?   I can’t dwell on that too much or I just feel a different personality take over in my head.  No I’m not crazy, it just instantly can change the way you think.   I don’t think that situation will ever seem like a ‘bump’ in the road.   It was a HUGE deal.  Crazy feelings that I fear I will never feel for anyone again.   I know that sounds kind of ‘end of the world’, and like I have little hope but I am almost 40 and I have never felt those feelings and that close to anyone, even my husband in the beginning.

I think for some reason Christmas is an easy time of year to yet AGAIN forgive my husband and his actions and take him ‘back in’ into our marriage and home and life.  He wants that so badly.  He just can’t say no to the pain pills.  They are more important to him than anything.  Nothing helps and I am exhausted from trying.   I will have to tell you all the latest and worst thing that has happened.  I have avoided blogging about it for weeks now because I am speechless still at his actions.

Anyway.

I think Christmas time is special.  I think its supposed to be filled with kids and family and laughter.  Maybe this is too much information, but I miss being made love to on Christmas Eve.  Maybe that sounds goofy but for me it is real.  I think Christmas is harder for me than Valentines Day.   Well maybe not being that Valentines Day was one of the best days I’d ever had with HIM.

I need to stop.

Focus.

Christmas.

Kids.  Family.  Kids.  Family.

One foot in front of the other.

 

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Day 4, Blogging Challenge, My dream job…

Hmmmm.  What I wanted to be when I grew up was a doctor.  Parts of that would still be satisfying to me I suppose, although the hours probably would drive me mad.  But, lets be honest, I work those hours if not longer ones now.  My current work week is 65 to 75 hours long.  Its exhausting but helps that I love what I do.  I don’t know what my dream job would be.  I know, (and have always known), that I’d love to fly commercially.  And where that would be a dream job I don’t think it would be my DREAM job.  I would love to write a book.  Which I’ve toyed with the idea several times.  I’d love to travel and talk to women that are married to addicts.  I know first hand how painful that is.  I act like its over.  I act like, “I survived!”  When in all reality I am still smack dab in the middle of it.  I still am helpless.  I still feel broken.  I still feel lonely.  I still wish I could wave that pink silky wand you had when you were four and make it all go away or better.   I would love to just travel around the world and listen to motivational speakers and blog on their speeches.  Kind of like what I do here I guess.  All of you inspire me.  We are all going through something right?  Maybe its a failing marriage, maybe it is parenting a teenager, putting your parents in assisted living.  Maybe its blogging while healing from a surgery.  Maybe its that you just need to blog to get the shit out of your head.  I would love to be a writer.  A columnist.   An Abbey in a Dear Abbey column.  I would genuinely love that.   I love people and I love writing.  Any possible way I could put those two things together and I’d be happy.  Dear Being Her…  I’ve had about a dozen emails and I have ADORED replying to them.  Its one of my favorite things to do!  I’d love for that to actually be a job!!!

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I always found this song so…. erotic.

 

“The Lady In Red”

I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight,
I’ve never seen you shine so bright,
I’ve never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance,
They’re looking for a little romance, given half a chance,
And I have never seen that dress you’re wearing,
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes,
I have been blind;

The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,
There’s nobody here, it’s just you and me,
It’s where I want to be,
But I hardly know this beauty by my side,
I’ll never forget the way you look tonight;

I’ve never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight,
I’ve never seen you shine so bright, you were amazing,
I’ve never seen so many people want to be there by your side,
And when you turned to me and smiled, it took my breath away,
And I have never had such a feeling,
Such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight;

The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,
There’s nobody here, it’s just you and me,
It’s where I want to be,
But I hardly know this beauty by my side,
I’ll never forget the way you look tonight;

I never will forget the way you look tonight…
The lady in red, the lady in red,
The lady in red, my lady in red,

I love you…

 

30 day blogging challenge, Day 2, 20 facts about me.

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1. I have more than five kids but less than 9.

2. I am obsessive about cleaning my house.

3. I sit on a school board.

4. I do not like watermelon, bacon or green bean casserole.

5. Walking into a coffee shop is instantly calming for me.

6. My favorite color is Red.

7. I can smell mold from a mile away, I am so sensitive to that icky gross smell.

8. I am not a cat person, but I do have two dogs.

9. I love fall because I can wear scarves and boots.

10. I love the sound of a piano playing, and jazz music, my grandpa played pianos in a piano bar and it makes me think of being little.

11. I am constantly reading.  I love to read.

12. I am a mac lover.  I do not own a PC any longer, and I don’t think I’d ever go back.  The same goes for my iPhone, I don’t think I’d ever own an android.

13. I love spicy food!  My top favorite foods are Mexican and sushi!  YUM!

14.  My favorite weather is when it is cold enough to snow but isn’t.

15. Most times when I walk into Starbucks, I order a Grande, Vanilla Latté, no foam and stirred.

16. I am OBSESSED with purses and bags.  I’m not a shoe girl, I am for sure a bag girl.

17. I drive an SUV.

18. I love dancing.  I’ll go out with my girlfriends and be the DD just to be able to dance.  I don’t have to be tipsy.  :0)

19. If I wasn’t married I wouldn’t own a TV.  I rarely watch it and would much rather listen to music.

20. I love all veggies, but am not that much into fruit.

 

30 day blogging challenge, Day one, my blogs name.

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This one is pretty self explanatory.  I am her.  A woman who didn’t think she’d EVER have an affair.  I didn’t agree with people who did, and I felt bad for the spouses who were married to men or women who cheated on them.   I judged first hand.  I removed myself from the life of friends who did this.   I twice caught my girlfriends husband out with another woman and I stuck my nose in his business and told him off.   Until one day when I didn’t realize what was starting, started.   I fell for someone.  Someone I shouldn’t have.  Over time, slowly getting to know someone didn’t feel wrong.  Starting to care for someone and what they were going through didn’t seem wrong.   Starting to have slight emotions of jealousy and wanting to be his wife didn’t seem right but I convinced myself it was because I was unhappy in my marriage and cared about him as a person.  That lead to a kiss.  And from there it was down hill.  Emotions and moments that couldn’t be taken back.  Suddenly I was there.  Me that judging person.  Had walked in those people’s shoes.  I knew I wasn’t a BAD person, I know I am kind and thoughtful and love my family.  I can’t explain why it happened or how it happened it just did, and very quickly.  Would I encourage anyone to “DO” this?  No.  It hurt a LOT of people.  But it taught me a lot about love and letting go and why you don’t do it to begin with.  Do I regret my actions?  I regret what I/we did to our spouses but I won’t ever regret loving HIM as crazy as that sounds.

I think for this post, this blogging challenge, this day one, this could be an interesting post for someone who has a blog name that isn’t as straight forward as mine.   Looking forward to the other blogging challenges.