What does this time of year do to you? Does it make you feel rushed? Annoyed? Grumpy? Does it slow you down and make you realize life is amazing and we are blessed? Does it cause you to sit back and absorb your child’s smile? I experience so many feelings during the holidays. Feelings that are all over the place. I am thankful for my family, friends and their health. I’m grateful for my job and clients. I’m appreciative to those in my life that are here to play a role in my life or the life of my children, such as their teachers, our doctors, my mechanic, you know those people you tend to take for granted. Sadly.
I love the feelings, (well most of them), that I get or feel when I see children, (especially mine), during the holidays. I won’t lie, I’m soooo excited I still have my youngest. Christmas isn’t as ‘fun’ when your kids are all teens. Yes I love that they all come home and they all ‘seem’ to get along and enjoy each other, but there is something about small children and Christmas. That excitement. That twinkle in their eye. That anxiety and inability to fall asleep out of sheer excitement because Santa is coming. I’m so glad I get that for a couple more years with my youngest two.
But then there are those feelings that sting.
Five years ago on Christmas Eve in my house you might find the stereo playing music softly after the kids had gone to bed. You might find me drinking a glass of wine, wrapping the last minute gifts. You would see a husband sitting back soaking in his blessings. You’d see me glance over and him and I just connect. At that moment our eye contact shared so much information in seconds. Our love for each other. Our appreciation of the other. Instant romantic and sexual connection. You could almost see the words “Merry Christmas Babe, I love you” being said without any words being exchanged.
I hate pills.
They robbed me of my marriage and they robbed my kids of the dad they deserve.
Christmas is not supposed to be lonely.
I mean I have my kids, and I have a HUGE family, my sister, brother, parents etc but there is something about having a spouse or partner during the holidays. I know I haven’t talked about HIM that much lately, but yes, I think about HIM too. I wonder what occurs in their house on Christmas Eve after the kids are asleep? I can’t dwell on that too much or I just feel a different personality take over in my head. No I’m not crazy, it just instantly can change the way you think. I don’t think that situation will ever seem like a ‘bump’ in the road. It was a HUGE deal. Crazy feelings that I fear I will never feel for anyone again. I know that sounds kind of ‘end of the world’, and like I have little hope but I am almost 40 and I have never felt those feelings and that close to anyone, even my husband in the beginning.
I think for some reason Christmas is an easy time of year to yet AGAIN forgive my husband and his actions and take him ‘back in’ into our marriage and home and life. He wants that so badly. He just can’t say no to the pain pills. They are more important to him than anything. Nothing helps and I am exhausted from trying. I will have to tell you all the latest and worst thing that has happened. I have avoided blogging about it for weeks now because I am speechless still at his actions.
I think Christmas time is special. I think its supposed to be filled with kids and family and laughter. Maybe this is too much information, but I miss being made love to on Christmas Eve. Maybe that sounds goofy but for me it is real. I think Christmas is harder for me than Valentines Day. Well maybe not being that Valentines Day was one of the best days I’d ever had with HIM.
I need to stop.
Kids. Family. Kids. Family.
One foot in front of the other.