A Decade of Emotions.

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Affairs.  Yuck.  All sides are just yuck.  Sounds like a primary statement, however trust me it is so not a primary subject.  Complex doesn’t even scratch the surface.

Squares.  Such a seemingly simple shape.  But oh it has some sharp points.  Four sides.  Four hearts.  Four sets of emotions.  And I didn’t believe my teacher when he said we would use algebra in our adult lives.  Perfect example, though maybe not a math lesson for your teens.

So I haven’t been on here in a while but I am still here.   I think it is safe to say once an affair is had, regardless of which party you are, it never goes away.  The feelings, the trust issues, the triggers, the heartache. The loss, the longing, the desire, the loneliness.  The feeling like there is still love out there for you.  The desire to love what is or isn’t yours to love.

I have kind of stopped blogging here because well, lets be honest…. you can only say so much. It is what it is.  I wouldn’t call myself an expert by any means but I have been there and done that.  I know how badly (WE) it hurt HIS wife.  I know my husband blamed (blames) himself.  I know that I felt differently about affairs until I found those shoes on my feet.  Am I a bad person?  NO.  I’m human.  The bad part is not being real with yourself.  Not being able to let go. HE as you know has moved away.  Out of state.  Nothing physically happens anymore but its like a best friend you can’t just turn your back on.  I loved this person with my entire heart for so long how do you walk away from that? This is where I still have an issue.   My husband still struggles with addiction.  This is where he still has an issue.   His wife still treats him like a child and talks down to him and calls him names.  She has massive trust issues, (I don’t blame her and I feel very, very guilty for this), This is where she still has an issue.  HE feels alone and not like he is needed.  He feels like he can not please her in any way.  In major or minor details of his life.  This is where HE still has an issue.  So yes, ten (TEN) years later (this June) we are ALL still dealing with the situation.

I miss emails from those of you who have been there and done this.  All of you.  Those of you who made these choices, healed from them and survived.  Those of you who are broken and finding yourself right in the middle of it, and those of you who are trying not to go there at all.  Reading up on the heartache to not make a choice that changes so much.

If I was the writer of a dictionary, I would define affair as a choice FOUR people make.., (no joke all four people play a role). A choice that has a bipolar moments and outcomes.  Massive highs and devastating lows.  A bipolar roller coaster, for all four sides.

I miss all of you.  I hope you are well. I’d love to hear from you all again!  Say hello!

-Her.

Life

Life.

The cycle of repeating things.

Things we want to repeat, like time with the ones we love.

Things we pray not to have to repeat. Like loving someone through addiction.

Questioning the day you are going to have based on the mood someone else has when they wake up.

Questioning someone’s pain, if it’s real or if they want meds.

Not having sympathy when this said loved one is hurting because their so called pain has fucked you over so many times.

When they are doing good, they are doing so, so good. You smile again. You laugh again. You see who you married again.

When they fall, struggle and addiction wins, they are alone and you are angry.

You cry. You ignore. You lack sympathy. You master the silent treatment. And you suddenly are filled with thoughts of the other.

I become disappointed in myself. How can I jump to those thoughts of HIM so quickly?

The answer is simple. Because this is life. The cycle of repeating things.

Things we want to repeat……..

Tomboy

  
(Picture from Google Images)

Tonight I’m in the bathtub as I blog. Wacko I must be. But I do a lot of thinking in here. The kids are in bed. Dogs in their crates. Dishes are done. Laundry was folded. I tried to read my book, but can’t seem to take in what I read.  My head isn’t in it.  I ordered in Chinese.  I twirled my noodles around on my plate with my chop sticks listening to my kids laugh. They’re my world. My poor 11 year old.  She’s making my heart worry.  Tween years are so hard. They’re not little like kids but they’re not big like teens.  She’s so mature for her age.  She’s a state lacrosse player.  She’s really good. I’m not just saying that because I’m her mom.  She has straight A’s in school.  She’s a tomboy for sure and it’s making life hard for her right now.  She doesn’t fit in with the girls because she’s not like them. But the boys want noting to do with a girl. She’s kind of by herself right now and it makes me really sad.  The principal says the boys get upset in gym because she plays nearly all the sports better than they do. This was told to me when I went in to talk to him because the top boy athlete asked her why she’s so good at sports and asked her if she was a lesbian IN FRONT OF SOME OF THE BOYS!! Now, I have nothing against anyone who’s gay. Nothing.  I support gay marriage completely. If you’re a male, in love with a male that’s great. If you’re a female and adore with all your heart your female partner awesome.  You have my support.  But to ask that question to a girl who struggles daily with who she is and how she should fit in is wrong at 11.  To make matters more confusing my mother in law IS gay. So my daughter asked me after this incident if that was genetic.   My poor daughter.  Now. I work with kids everyday. I have all kinds of education on child development and kids in general.  Was it bullying? Maybe a little but the principal says he watches my daughter get plays abs touch downs and baskets and home runs when they can’t. I realize that’s hard for a boy to constantly be outdone by a ‘girl’ but come on!!! My heart just hurts for her.  We’ve talked a lot about great female athletes and female role models and how her sexuality is not something to decide now.  Lacrosse starts back up in a month and I can’t wait. She’ll be around other girls her age that like sports and are as good and better than she is.  Get her mind of the kids at school.  Ugh. My husband has been in bed for hours. His galblader is bothering him. Or so he says. It’s always something. 

My bath water is cold.  More on this later. 

HEADS! or HEADLIGHTS!

It’s a quiet evening.  My kids played their sports today.  I did the mom thing.  You know where you get the kids to the fields with all their crap, your chair to watch, the dogs, the baby, the umbrella the Starbucks, (yes the Starbucks) and you sit down and realize you forgot your phone, or sunglasses or sunblock?  Yes to all of the above.  You look down to remove your flip flop to put your toes in the warm soft grass and realize your flip flop has baby puke on it, causing you to look at the baby and then look at the trail of puke running from her perfect smile all down your front when THAT mom (you know the mom) walks up to you to hand you the snack schedule.  Her and her snack schedule that is printed on her personalized stationary with her little C for Crissy or something prissy at the top.  You know, the puke free paper.  Pissy I mean Crissy looks at your baby and says, “What a beautiful baby girl, I sure don’t miss THOSE days as she sees the puke that is running down your miss buttoned shirt.  This my friends is Karma.   Karma has taken a big huge bite out of my ass for having my shit together a year ago at the football fields and being a Crissy.  This newborn thing, (okay she is five months old) is harder at 40 than it was at 26.  I promise when my Crissy status returns to offer to hold, help and tell my puke covered stories to the moms that look as if they want to run into traffic with their daughters lacrosse stick screaming.

On a more psycho note I threw a coffee cup at my husbands truck.

Yeah I’m not sure where my common sense has gone.   I think it may have fallen out of my vagina five months ago when I gave birth to my daughter.   I was in the driveway and he was in the garage.  The lawn guy had put all my flowers that he was going to plant that day on the edge of the driveway up by the garage door next to the flower bed and yep, you guessed it.  My husband pulled out of the drive way and ran over $310 dollars worth of flowers. He couldn’t hear me or the flower squashing apparently with his fucking death metal music on, (yes he still listens to that crap) and I swear it was reflexes.  My coffee cup flung.  I don’t know what shocked me more.  The fact that I threw it or the fact that my lawn guy looked like he shit his pants because he was the fucking moron who put the flowers in front of the garage door.  Now, my husbands truck is a work truck, aka a piece so it wasn’t a big deal but my point is LOOK.   He swears he couldn’t see them, I say our kids play in the driveway all the time.  Know what is in front of you or behind you prior to putting your car in drive.  I’m telling you absolutely all respect after affairs and pills and everything else has flown out the window in this relationship.

In the world of HIM, he is getting a new job that he starts Monday.  I haven’t seen him in FOREVER, seriously forever but we still talk.  Right or wrong it is my sanity.  Normal conversation.  How are you?  How was your day?  How was your weekend?  Do you have any plans tonight?  How are your kids, (that I miss so much)? Do you remember when we….  That one time was so funny when…..   I sure miss when we…..   UGH.   His wife and him are no different,  my husband and I are no different we are all four just going through the motions.  Focusing on kids, sports and life.   Occasionally waiving through our computer screens.

I wonder if you constantly have someone to waive to if things at home can ever get better.  I seriously think that if they are to get better I have to WANT them to get better.   In a way I do, but I want my husband to get better first.  Pain pills lead down a very ugly road for an addict.  A road that  seems to go in a circle in my life.

Enough bitching.

My kids are great.  They are what brings me huge joy.  I still love blogging, reading, cleaning, yes my OCD still has me cleaning like a mad woman.  My schedule is still jammed packed because it is the only way I don’t stop and think.  When I stop and think my anxiety is out of control.  I have a daughter that is starting to drive and plays volleyball, my other daughter plays lacrosse, my son plays rugby and I have my new baby.  The oldest three have all moved out.  Thats another blog post in itself.  Its so weird when your kids move out.  Suddenly you feel alone.  Like the schedules that you jam packed your daytime with are starting to open up.  They are grown.  Dating and paying their own rent.  Holding jobs and buying cars.  I guess I did somethings right.   I just make myself stay busy.  And if I make myself busy and the subject is always my kids then I am happy.  And when I am happy I’m less likely to throw coffee cups at vehicles.

Too tired to proof read this…..

A song I heard today that hit home.

Tell me have you ever wanted
Someone so much it hurts?
Your lips keep trying to speak
But you just can’t find the words
Well I had this dream once;
I held it in my head

She was the purest beauty
But not the common kind
She had a way about her
That made you feel alive
And for a moment
We made the world stand still

Yeah, we owned the night

You had me dim the lights;
You danced just like a child
The wine spilled on your dress

And all you did was smile
Yeah, it was perfect
I hold it in my mind

Yeah, we owned the night

When the summer rolls around
And the sun starts sinking down
I still remember you
Oh, I remember you
And I wonder where you are

Are you looking at those same stars again?
Do you remember when?

We woke under a blanket
All tangled up in skin
Not knowing in that moment
We’d never speak again
But it was perfect;
I never will forget
When we owned the night

Yeah, we owned the night

(We Owed the Night, Lady Antebellum)

Hello my blogging friends!

I am here but my life has been insane. 

My best friends baby died of sids.  She was six weeks old.  It has been heartbreaking. 

My family is doing great. 

I’ve gotten a ton of emails from all of you asking when I will blog again, and I promise I will get back to it.  I miss you all.   I miss reading blogs more though.   I just have three of my kids playing sports and my business gets a little crazy in the summer.   Know I am here and I am good!  Keep up your blogging so I have a great amount to read and catch up on when I get back!

Life.

Step by step, day by day.  Kids, sports, school, work, cleaning, car repairs, TAXES (STUPID IRS LOL), marriage and the rest of life.  Last night I slept on the couch I was so angry with my husband.  Well thats not totally fair.  I’m LIVID with my mother in law.  I thought men were supposed to have mother in laws from hell.  Not wives.

My parents took on my step daughter as their own grandchild when I married my husband.  She was the moment we got married a part of this family.  My parents would never ‘not include her’ because she isn’t REALLY their grandchild.  She became their grandchild when we got married.  Right?  One would think.

My husbands mother informed me a couple months ago that she is giving the grandkids, (there are three of them) graduation gifts of a trip to Hawaii.  I thought how exciting for my husbands daughter, my son and my sister in laws son!  Awesome.  OH no!  I was quickly put into place that my son from my first husband isn’t her grandchild and my son would not be going.   I  was hurt.  Livid.  Pissed.  You name it.  I decided to blow it off.  Whatever.  I went through a phase of being pissed at my husband for not calling his mom out on his shitty-ness.   He just said “well he really isn’t their grandchild”.  Fine whatever.  I let it go.   However, I can’t seem to get angry without acting like a child so I decided I wouldn’t invite them to his graduation.  He isn’t their grandchild.   I know, two wrongs don’t make a right but I was hurt.   My son and my husbands daughter go to different high schools.  Well fast forward two months… to now.  My step daughter has dropped out of school, moved in with her boyfriend, written everyone off and basically gives us the big fuck you when anyone tries to talk to her.  So last night was a normal night.  Dinner, homework with all the kids, mellow, NORMAL.  When the phone rings.  It is my mother in law.  She has decided that because they already bought the ticket they are still going to take my step daughter to Hawaii.  Blood shot to my head.  My step daughter has done nothing but lie, steal, cheat, manipulate, drop out of school, get knocked up you name it and we are going to go and reward her anyway?!?!?  NOT TO MENTION here is my son who COULD use the ticket (which isn’t why I’m mad don’t misunderstand) who is graduating on time getting good grades and then going off to the Navy.   Instantly I start sobbing.  How can two people that call themselves family be so hateful and unkind.  When I said I would like them to not take her for many reasons, one being a huge slap in the face of my nephew and son who DID graduate and do what they were supposed to do.  Second, what is she going to learn from that?  You can do everything in life that is frowned upon in life and still get rewarded?  Should kids not be accountable for their choices and actions?  At this point I wasn’t even mad at my husband until his next words.  I said, “My parents would never not include your daughter in something!”  His reply, “Your parents couldn’t afford to do something like this for our kids anyway.”  First of all that isn’t the fucking point.  Second of all my parents have money but they aren’t rolling in it like your parents from lawsuits and being sue happy assholes.  So I’m mad at everyone.  My husband then says I think you just need to go to bed.  I think your pregnancy hormones are getting the best of you.    Sigh.  Needless to say I hate everyone.  Maybe I’ll pack up MY kids and go to Hawaii.

Am I over reacting?   And yes.  I’m pregnant.  I just found out.

And just like that…

“At dinner I want to give you that smile.  The smile that says hurry up and finish your dessert

because I’m going to take you home and make sweet love to you.”

Remember me

Come to me.

Come touch me.

Come take a taste of me.

Come, let me please you.

Come please me.

Come and see what we used to see.

Come and feel what we used to feel.

Come and let me remind you of the way things were.

Come and let me dance my fingers along your skin.

Come and explore what has faded.

Come and remind yourself of highs.

Come and forget your lows.

Come and forget everything around you.

Come and just remember,

remember me.

I only have a second and I was thinking….

 

Sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Making Love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fucking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They are all different.  Right?   For example, (I’d like to know what HE thinks but),  I feel like fucking is one of two things.  Rough sex or quick.  With or without feelings attached.  I think sex is just sex… no strings…. no feelings.  Maybe at the start of an affair for some.  Some of my readers say flat out- “they had an affair because they were missing SEX.  No drama, no relationship, no feelings, just sex”.   And then there is making love.  The complicated one.   When do you go from sex to making love?  I can say with HIM we had sex, (when we were learning about each other), it at first was awkward, maybe because of the situation.  And I think I’d say we have fucked…. (I don’t mean that to sound so dirty), but we met to do that… quickies and seriously relieved some sexual frustration…. but as far as making love I find myself thinking. Wow.  I think men and women define this differently. Yes us women are all romantic and sappy and say oh the music was right or he was amazing and it was slow…  but what if it is more detailed?  What if at a moment it hits you.  That you want nothing more to be with this man that is with you right now.  A moment when you realize you have never felt an orgasm like that or felt goosebumps cover you when you felt overheated?  What about when you lose control of every one of your senses.  You forget where you are and the ringing in your ears is deafening? Is making love losing sense of time, surroundings, and of the real life situation you are sitting in?  All I know is when HE touched me, just a touch goosebumps could fly down my sides and erect my nipples.  One kiss and I was seriously dizzy.   I can say I never felt those things even with my husband in the very beginning when things were good.  Never have I been aroused so quickly or so much by anyone.