It was true for me and I have read it many times on other blogs of people who have had affairs, so I want to blog about the subject. The subject of marriages improving while you have an affair. Sounds crazy right? Well maybe not for everyone but for me, it was the case. I couldn’t say if this was true or not for the MM I had an affair with and his wife or not, because I didn’t really ask that question of him. However I know his relationship was up and down with her as most of our marriages are in one way or another.
I think in my case, (and I’m only speaking in my case here), but simply put, I was happy. I felt important in the life of someone. I felt butterflies over someone. Someone was calling me, and texting me, and emailing me and WANTED to be. Someone really cared about me. Well lots of people care about us but not always in a relationship kind of way. Those needs and feelings being met made me happy and a little less stressed out. I think when one is happy and feels like they are not empty, (all their emotional and physical needs are being met), they are able to truly think of others. They don’t have the mind block of being sad or unhappy or unsatisfied in some way. I think because I was happy, I was less on edge, because I was less on edge I didn’t feel like I was going to rip someone head off because the house was dirty RIGHT after I cleaned it. Odd thing is then, your not bitching and you suddenly look less stressed and ‘softer’ in your husbands eyes. OH GUESS WHAT? That morning because you look like that, he compliments you. One time, the first time in forever. And the compliment catches you off guard. Maybe you are spending more time on your outfits, or you have been making sure your panties and bras match. You picked out a new perfume. You have made sure to not miss a nail appointment. It could be physical. For me personally it was 100% emotional. My husband was gone most of the beginning of my affair. I was just incredibly lonely. I’m not talking gone like military or work. I’m talking gone like uninvolved and uninterested. But my bitching and nagging stopped on the phone calls to him. I was suddenly telling him, “Do what you need to do, bye!” VS “Why are you doing this? You are never here, this isn’t fair to me or the kids!” The difference was originally he heard, I need you, you should be here, or me complaining and truly being a bitch out of frustration. It shifted to, I’m happy and I can careless what you do or decide to do because we are making it work without you. That freaked him out I think. He started coming by. Going out to dinner with us. My appearance never was really affected, only because I am OCD about it. LOL. Before or during my affair or even now I always do my hair, makeup and try and look nice. I am NOT that mom that can be in her pajamas and go to the grocery store. Hell, I’m not even that mom that can hang out in her pajamas all day on Saturday because she isn’t going anywhere. Every morning I go straight from bed to the shower and get dressed. I have my coffee after I get ready. He my husband just saw me go from stressing out about his whereabouts to giving up completely and finding my happiness somewhere else. Suddenly he was home. Suddenly he was trying. Suddenly I had a problem. Where as when my affair started I felt ‘sort of available’ because I was separated (not by choice), but by reality. He never came home. We are not talking three days. We are talking months at a time that added up to years. I didn’t care at first because my focus was my kids. I slowly started to realize I had needs too. Talking to someone was easy. Getting to know my AP was easy. Looking forward to his emails, texts was easy. Meeting him was a little harder. But became easy. Finding that we had feelings for each other over time, was easy. Being intimate took a long time… it was a step that I don’t think either of us were really ready for and we respected each other. But even then after a long time that was, (I don’t want to say easy), well, there are no words.
I read blogs and find that a lot of bloggers who had affairs, or who are having them experience their marriages improving during that time. Maybe its guilt? Maybe its simply you are happy. Maybe its because your mind is thinking of your encounter the night before or the next day and you are not focusing on your husbands dirty boxers on the floor 2.5 inches from the hamper. Or maybe you didn’t seem to care too much about the $50 bucks your wife spent on a blouse that she already has two of that are similar. The little things seem to become suddenly little again when you are happy. Anyone else in your situation find this to be true? I’ve just read it a lot and experienced it personally.