Still here.

Nothing is new.  My life is still insanely busy.  I can barely keep up.  Being a mom to many and running your own business can be a lot.  So much has changed.  My three oldest kids are living on their own, two of which are married with babies!! :0)  Leaving my younger four still living at home.  Between work, life, and day to day to do list’s I attend their sports.  Volleyball.  Softball.  Rugby.  Tennis. Lacrosse.  I. AM. SO. TIRED.  And yes that baby of mine is now a week away from being two.  I don’t know if she is worse than all my others or if being 41 and having a two year old is what makes it harder.  All I know is she is everything I deserve when looking at the likeliness of Karma being a real thing.  Holy shit. Seriously.  I love her though.  From her toes to the tips of her curly wild hair.

I know I know… the above part isn’t what you are wanting to read. You want to know about HIM.  You guys are so faithful in your emails.  I try and reply I swear.  About your emails and my replies, I need to make a post on that!  Talk about some of your complex stories!  Wow!  You guys email me and I have to read your emails three and four times in complete disbelief and speechlessness when you ask me to reply with advice.  UMMMMM I don’t know what to do when your husband walks in on you showing your new bra to your boyfriend who happens to be his cousin and you all end up in jail, after which you end up having an affair with the District Attorney!  I’m just kidding-that isn’t really an email that I received, however they are some crazy situations!

Okay I’m rambling.  Maybe I’m trying to avoid crying.  Nothing is different.  I know that bores you and that isn’t what you want to read.

I think last I mentioned they were talking about moving out of state.  Well he found a job that really wants him.  His wife is on again and off again in wanting him to take it.  I totally get it and her feelings.  Everything she knows is here.  Their kids are all in school here with family here. It, (I imagine), is VERY hard to up and leave everything for a job that is in another state where you know nothing or anyone.  But the offer they gave him was amazing. The best job offer he has ever had.   Of course he says she is torn for different reasons, (which as a wife and mother I COMPLETELY get).  She is on the fence about moving her children.  Taking them out of their schools and that state that is the only  state they have known.  He said he’d go out first and find a place and get situated and let them finish school and move them out there in May.  One day she is for it, and the next she is against it.  And she swings.  Daily. He says he understands her basic feelings of hesitation.

The thing is I am super proud of him.  He always tries to better himself. Work hard at work and get things done.  Teach.  Take classes to better himself and when he feels stuck or like there is no movement at the job he is at he actively looks for new work and he has moved up in income and titles like you are supposed to strive to do.  I love that about him.  I fail to see that with my husband.  He would stay stagnant forever if he was comfortable.  That drives me crazy. Day to day. Easy come easy go.  Well that works for Jimmy Buffet but for the rest of us…..   it gets flipping old.

As you can imagine this has caused a storm of emotions in me.   Excited for him.  Proud of him. Happy for him. He deserves this.  He really, really does.  Regardless of his actions with me, he has worked very hard in life and truly deserves this job.  HOWEVER.  In telling him how very proud of him I am and how excited I am for him, my heart seriously feels like it is being ripped out of my body.  Now some of you get it. You’ve been here and walked in these shoes and have had to say goodbye or walk away.  Then,  some of you are laughing and telling your computer screens, “serves you right you stupid B….” we’ve been through this before.  I was the woman that judged others.  Pointed my fingers and said, “OH I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR”…. until you do.  So simmer down finger pointer. The comments don’t affect me anymore.  Because I was that commenter.

 

Yes, I’m sad.  Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I keep crying. Thing is nothing really will change.  We rarely see each other now, yet we talk every single day. Talking to him every single day isn’t going to change.  That will continue.  But knowing he isn’t 15 minutes away and that he is several states away is sad.  However lets be honest, I won’t dread running into them at a sporting event or restaurant anymore! :0)  However, I won’t be running into just him in some beautiful hotel room on the 9th floor overlooking the snow capped mountains either.  Of course this is just the icing on the emotional cake.  There have been a ton of conversations, and a ton of tears and evil hateful jealousy that wishes she’d tell him to go and to take his kids with him because she still wants a divorce approximately every eight weeks. But then that is that green in me.  At the end of the day he isn’t mine.

Oh and my husband…. same shit, different day.

Love to you all.  Thank you all for still being here.

-her

Advertisements

I’m still here.

Last Saturday night was bad.

We went to a friends bday party.   I had two drinks in a four hour time frame…. as did MOST of the adults.  It was a group of people in their 30’s and 40’s that were having a good time.  Sitting on a back deck in the sunshine, laughing and just having fun.  That is until my husband had to be the one that got trashed.   Had to be the one to embarrass me.  Again.   Had to be the one that drank too much.  Had to be the one that had me apologizing.   Playing his air guitar in this kitchen in front of a dozen or so people.  Thinking he was fucknig hysterical.  I was so embarrassed.  I was so mad.  I was so hurt.   My poor kids.  What a joke.  We drove 99.9% of the way home in silence.  I was boiling…. I was about to explode.   He couldn’t even talk, when he tried to he slurred.

We were three blocks from home and I yelled, Why is it always you that acts like an idiot?

Why is it always me that is embarrassed?

Why is it always me that is apologizing?

Why is it always me that has to time my drinks and be the responsible one?  And don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean I want to get trashed, its me being a RESPONSIBLE parent, realizing we have to drive home.

Why can’t you stop at one or two drinks?

We pulled in the driveway and the kids walked in the house and went straight to bed, they had been sleeping in the car… it was late.

I stood at the garage door when his slurring I mean yelling started.

“Why do you always have to be such a bitch?  I wanted a wife, not a mother.  Why do you always have to be so stuck up and so perfect?  You are a fucking bitch.  A guy can never let loose and have a little fun around you.  You have to be so straight laced and stuck up and self centered!”

Each word hurt.  Each word from his drunkness slurred into the next.   The five sentences blended together in one slobbering mess.   All I could say was, “GET OUT!”

He said, “Let me get my keys”

I said “HELL NO you are not driving anywhere just leave, call someone, you have your phone.

He walked out of the garage and I closed it and hit lock on the keypad feature.

I was shaking.   I was so angry.  I was pissed.

I picked up the phone and called his sister who lives like five blocks away from us.   She said she’d go get him.

I am sick of him falling off of this wagon.    Hell I am sick of his wagon.  Buy a damn seatbelt already.

In my anger I did what I wasn’t supposed to do.    I was so hurt and so angry.  I am so mad at myself.   I sent a text to HIM.  I know stupid right??  All it said was this:

“I am so hurt, so angry, so alone and you were right.  You told me it would happen again and it did.  The difference now, is that you are not here to carry me away and make me forget.  I want you to be with your family.  I don’t miss our affair, I miss our friendship.  I miss having someone to talk to.  I miss feeling like someone cared about me enough not to be an asshole and treat me like shit.  Thank you for that year and a half that you did nothing to hurt me, and did nothing but make me smile.”

I set the alarm on the house, put the dogs in their kennel, took a Xanax,  glanced at my phone at the text from his sister, “Got him- he’s trashed, you have put up with too much for too long!”   and cried myself to sleep.  

My weekend away.

Why hello my blogging friends!  I haven’t posted in about four or five days, because my husband and I and our kids went to our cabin.   I had mixed emotions about doing so but over all we had a good time.

We have a cabin about 20 minutes west of Winter Park.  Its fun, its beautiful and its peaceful.  However I have a hard time up there for a few reasons.

1. I am VERY addicted to my cell phone.  My phone, (an iPhone lol) does everything.  I can blog, email, Facebook, text, make calls… you name it.  But I can’t up there, I have no reception to do so.   So I felt like my hands were empty and like I had nothing to do…. which brings me to problem number 2.

2. When you have nothing to do other than sit back and relax and do nothing, your mind finds things to do…  I thought about life a lot this weekend.

Am I happy?

What is it I seem to be missing in life?

Am I being the best wife I can be?

Am I being the best mom I can be?

Do I get enough alone time, for me, (not selfishly)?

******

So my husband and I had some pretty good talks up there.  The kids played, had a good time.  About 6 years ago my husband built a ‘mini-cabin’ playhouse for the kids on our property… it is just like a little A-frame cabin but kid size… it looks like a little house, but it is the size of a shed.  He built in windows, a loft and ran electricity to it from our cabin.  He put in bamboo hard wood, carpeted the loft,  He built a little counter top and a latter that climbs to the loft.  I hung curtains,  put in a play kitchen and bought the play ‘cooking toys’  and put lots of kid stuff in the loft like coloring and board games.   My husband and I rarely saw the kid lol!  They played in the playhouse most of the weekend.  The weather up there was amazing and we sat out on our cabins deck swinging on the porch swing that faces the playhouse and just talked.   Things are good, communication, laughter and sex for sure, its just not as intense as it once was… I don’t know what it is or even how to explain it.   I don’t have that massive excitement to see him or be with him and that overwhelming sadness/dread when he leaves.   The emotions of being with HIM were so intense… I miss feeling THAT way.   That feeling like I want nothing more than to be with this person.   I don’t know what gives you that feeling.   I don’t think it is love alone, because I love my husband.  I am wondering if it just the love that you have for someone who hasn’t hurt you in any way.

So in thinking this weekend I realize I have the love, and the caring and the affection and the desire for this relationship with my husband.

And it occurred to me what it is that I am missing that I had with HIM.   (NO WAYWARD I AM NOT COMPARING THEM I AM JUST COMPARING MY FEELINGS… I WANT TO GET MY FEELINGS/EMOTIONS WITH MY HUSBAND TO HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM)..

So as I was saying, it occurred to me what it is that I am missing.  It dawned on me in the middle of the night laying next to my loving husband.

I am missing the Passion.

Thats it.  That is what it is.  That is the only thing that I can find that is different.   How do I get that back??

Why, thank you!

Wow… I am so taken back and proud!  My third blogging award!   Thank you http://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/

The rules of receiving this award are:

1. Add the award to your blog

2. Thank the blogger who gave it to you and include a link to their blog.

3. Mention 7 random things about yourself.

4. List the rules.

5. Give the award to 15 or more bloggers.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Being a beautiful Mess even if your ‘view’ of me might have changed yesterday 😦


1.  I am an ifreak.  I love apple.  I have a mac, iPad, iPhone, my kids all have iPod touches, I love love love technology!

2. I just finished the series of books, Fifty Shades of Grey.  LOVED them!  Was shocked that I actually liked them!

3. My favorite color is red!  Surprise, surprise, (making RED wishes).

4. I was raped when I was 16.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever LIVED through.  I had stitches down there (GASP) 17 of them.  This is why I thought I might have issues with the book Fifty Shades of Grey… I am weird sometimes when it comes to sex and ‘things’ being used…

5. We (my girlfriends and I) go dancing at least once or twice a month… I LOVE dancing… I don’t even need the drinks, I could just dance all night!  LOVE IT!

6.  I LOVE sushi!  YUM!

7. I bought an e-reader and never use it because after buying one I realized there is something about holding a physical book 🙂

And my blogging awards go to… (I don’t think I even know fifteen bloggers… but well see)!

1.  http://myyearoflivingopenly.wordpress.com/   This guy has managed to pull me in.   Its one of those blogs that I’m like “I DON”T THINK I COULD DO THAT OR PUT UP WITH THAT, HOW CAN HE ALLOW THAT, but it has taught me a lot about myself and reminding me a LOT not to judge others… or their situation and living arrangements.

2. http://shellssecrets.wordpress.com/ I just love this blogger and the way she writes! She captivates me.

3. http://rocksforbrains.wordpress.com/  REAL and MOVING blog.

4. http://ourjourneyafterhisaffair.wordpress.com/  Love her! LOVE LOVE LOVE, her honesty and understanding!

5. http://fourtiming.wordpress.com/  OMG this blogger gives me anxiety.  She can’t write fast enough… I just want to warn her half the time lol about what I learned from my affair and how many people WILL, (not could) get hurt.  She is a wonderful writer and I remember feeling all her emotions about HIM.

6. http://helprequired.wordpress.com/  I have followed this guy from day one!  I love him and that he is real, raw and honest.

7. http://terriblytorn13.wordpress.com/  I have always loved her!  She is funny, a great writer and I can so relate to so much of what she writes about!

8. http://persuaded2go.wordpress.com/  LOVE.  Simple as that!  I love that she makes me smile and relate as I read.

9. http://serenapiper.wordpress.com/  Been there and done all of her blog… I get it, it just clicks with me!

10. http://ifhappyeverafterdidexist.wordpress.com/  I love this blog but don’t expect her to repost this award because she with me received it!

11. http://pompetus.wordpress.com/ love reading this one.. I think I have followed this blog since I started mine.

12. http://theothersideofinfidelity.wordpress.com/  I love and can relate to her sarcasm in her writing.   LOVE IT!  Because I am NOT sarcastic.  At all!

13. http://thisaffair.wordpress.com/  UMMMMM the picture at the top of this blog says it all. Wow.

14. http://moderndaymistress.wordpress.com/  I think I can relate just a little.

and last but certainly NOT least.

15. http://recoveringwayward.wordpress.com/ He is encouraging me to do the right thing by my marriage often.  He is there for me and has my back constantly, what he says is raw and oh so shocking sometimes and maybe what seems a little harsh, but I love the shock factor!  He is my big brother people!

Taking it day by day.

I decided to start this blog in addition to my other one….  I wanted one just about my married man.  Nothing to do with my husband and our issues.  Just one about my affair.  I feel like a lot of my readers of my other blog didn’t comment or read or care too much about my life at home…. they wanted to know about my affair, my choices, my feelings and my situation of loving a married man.  So I decided to have one blog that I write about everything and one blog that I write about the most amazing nearly two years I have ever known.  No man made me feel the way he did.  No man has ever listened to me the way he did.  No man has ever made me blush, smile and laugh the way he did.  I just don’t get it.  Why people come into our lives when they do? Post by post my, our, the story will unfold. Maybe someone will see that I am human.  I don’t want to say I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong, I just at the time was so sad and so hurt and so needing to feel love and be loved that I didn’t care.  I truly had intentions of only keeping it online which we did for just over six months… it just grew… got to be too much… too many feelings.  I listened to my heart and not my head. Do I regret my actions?  Yes and no.  I regret hurting his wife.  I regret letting his kids down and affecting the friendship our kids had (get this), together.   I regret not upholding my commitment to my husband and ending it the ‘right way’ being that it is truly bad enough to do so, even before my affair.  I regret not kissing him goodbye one more time because I didn’t know the last time I saw him would be the last time I’d see him.  But I do not regret the time.  The love… the feelings… the experience.  It truly was the best love I have ever known/felt.  And you will never convince me that it was anything else… Two years of sharing.  Two years of excitement to share what we were  going through, what we were experiencing together, two years of laughter, two years of emotions that can’t be described.  Those feelings, those emotions, just don’t go away.