Still here.

Nothing is new.  My life is still insanely busy.  I can barely keep up.  Being a mom to many and running your own business can be a lot.  So much has changed.  My three oldest kids are living on their own, two of which are married with babies!! :0)  Leaving my younger four still living at home.  Between work, life, and day to day to do list’s I attend their sports.  Volleyball.  Softball.  Rugby.  Tennis. Lacrosse.  I. AM. SO. TIRED.  And yes that baby of mine is now a week away from being two.  I don’t know if she is worse than all my others or if being 41 and having a two year old is what makes it harder.  All I know is she is everything I deserve when looking at the likeliness of Karma being a real thing.  Holy shit. Seriously.  I love her though.  From her toes to the tips of her curly wild hair.

I know I know… the above part isn’t what you are wanting to read. You want to know about HIM.  You guys are so faithful in your emails.  I try and reply I swear.  About your emails and my replies, I need to make a post on that!  Talk about some of your complex stories!  Wow!  You guys email me and I have to read your emails three and four times in complete disbelief and speechlessness when you ask me to reply with advice.  UMMMMM I don’t know what to do when your husband walks in on you showing your new bra to your boyfriend who happens to be his cousin and you all end up in jail, after which you end up having an affair with the District Attorney!  I’m just kidding-that isn’t really an email that I received, however they are some crazy situations!

Okay I’m rambling.  Maybe I’m trying to avoid crying.  Nothing is different.  I know that bores you and that isn’t what you want to read.

I think last I mentioned they were talking about moving out of state.  Well he found a job that really wants him.  His wife is on again and off again in wanting him to take it.  I totally get it and her feelings.  Everything she knows is here.  Their kids are all in school here with family here. It, (I imagine), is VERY hard to up and leave everything for a job that is in another state where you know nothing or anyone.  But the offer they gave him was amazing. The best job offer he has ever had.   Of course he says she is torn for different reasons, (which as a wife and mother I COMPLETELY get).  She is on the fence about moving her children.  Taking them out of their schools and that state that is the only  state they have known.  He said he’d go out first and find a place and get situated and let them finish school and move them out there in May.  One day she is for it, and the next she is against it.  And she swings.  Daily. He says he understands her basic feelings of hesitation.

The thing is I am super proud of him.  He always tries to better himself. Work hard at work and get things done.  Teach.  Take classes to better himself and when he feels stuck or like there is no movement at the job he is at he actively looks for new work and he has moved up in income and titles like you are supposed to strive to do.  I love that about him.  I fail to see that with my husband.  He would stay stagnant forever if he was comfortable.  That drives me crazy. Day to day. Easy come easy go.  Well that works for Jimmy Buffet but for the rest of us…..   it gets flipping old.

As you can imagine this has caused a storm of emotions in me.   Excited for him.  Proud of him. Happy for him. He deserves this.  He really, really does.  Regardless of his actions with me, he has worked very hard in life and truly deserves this job.  HOWEVER.  In telling him how very proud of him I am and how excited I am for him, my heart seriously feels like it is being ripped out of my body.  Now some of you get it. You’ve been here and walked in these shoes and have had to say goodbye or walk away.  Then,  some of you are laughing and telling your computer screens, “serves you right you stupid B….” we’ve been through this before.  I was the woman that judged others.  Pointed my fingers and said, “OH I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR”…. until you do.  So simmer down finger pointer. The comments don’t affect me anymore.  Because I was that commenter.


Yes, I’m sad.  Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I keep crying. Thing is nothing really will change.  We rarely see each other now, yet we talk every single day. Talking to him every single day isn’t going to change.  That will continue.  But knowing he isn’t 15 minutes away and that he is several states away is sad.  However lets be honest, I won’t dread running into them at a sporting event or restaurant anymore! :0)  However, I won’t be running into just him in some beautiful hotel room on the 9th floor overlooking the snow capped mountains either.  Of course this is just the icing on the emotional cake.  There have been a ton of conversations, and a ton of tears and evil hateful jealousy that wishes she’d tell him to go and to take his kids with him because she still wants a divorce approximately every eight weeks. But then that is that green in me.  At the end of the day he isn’t mine.

Oh and my husband…. same shit, different day.

Love to you all.  Thank you all for still being here.



Why, thank you!

Wow… I am so taken back and proud!  My third blogging award!   Thank you

The rules of receiving this award are:

1. Add the award to your blog

2. Thank the blogger who gave it to you and include a link to their blog.

3. Mention 7 random things about yourself.

4. List the rules.

5. Give the award to 15 or more bloggers.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Being a beautiful Mess even if your ‘view’ of me might have changed yesterday 😦

1.  I am an ifreak.  I love apple.  I have a mac, iPad, iPhone, my kids all have iPod touches, I love love love technology!

2. I just finished the series of books, Fifty Shades of Grey.  LOVED them!  Was shocked that I actually liked them!

3. My favorite color is red!  Surprise, surprise, (making RED wishes).

4. I was raped when I was 16.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever LIVED through.  I had stitches down there (GASP) 17 of them.  This is why I thought I might have issues with the book Fifty Shades of Grey… I am weird sometimes when it comes to sex and ‘things’ being used…

5. We (my girlfriends and I) go dancing at least once or twice a month… I LOVE dancing… I don’t even need the drinks, I could just dance all night!  LOVE IT!

6.  I LOVE sushi!  YUM!

7. I bought an e-reader and never use it because after buying one I realized there is something about holding a physical book 🙂

And my blogging awards go to… (I don’t think I even know fifteen bloggers… but well see)!

1.   This guy has managed to pull me in.   Its one of those blogs that I’m like “I DON”T THINK I COULD DO THAT OR PUT UP WITH THAT, HOW CAN HE ALLOW THAT, but it has taught me a lot about myself and reminding me a LOT not to judge others… or their situation and living arrangements.

2. I just love this blogger and the way she writes! She captivates me.

3.  REAL and MOVING blog.

4.  Love her! LOVE LOVE LOVE, her honesty and understanding!

5.  OMG this blogger gives me anxiety.  She can’t write fast enough… I just want to warn her half the time lol about what I learned from my affair and how many people WILL, (not could) get hurt.  She is a wonderful writer and I remember feeling all her emotions about HIM.

6.  I have followed this guy from day one!  I love him and that he is real, raw and honest.

7.  I have always loved her!  She is funny, a great writer and I can so relate to so much of what she writes about!

8.  LOVE.  Simple as that!  I love that she makes me smile and relate as I read.

9.  Been there and done all of her blog… I get it, it just clicks with me!

10.  I love this blog but don’t expect her to repost this award because she with me received it!

11. love reading this one.. I think I have followed this blog since I started mine.

12.  I love and can relate to her sarcasm in her writing.   LOVE IT!  Because I am NOT sarcastic.  At all!

13.  UMMMMM the picture at the top of this blog says it all. Wow.

14.  I think I can relate just a little.

and last but certainly NOT least.

15. He is encouraging me to do the right thing by my marriage often.  He is there for me and has my back constantly, what he says is raw and oh so shocking sometimes and maybe what seems a little harsh, but I love the shock factor!  He is my big brother people!