Still here.

Nothing is new.  My life is still insanely busy.  I can barely keep up.  Being a mom to many and running your own business can be a lot.  So much has changed.  My three oldest kids are living on their own, two of which are married with babies!! :0)  Leaving my younger four still living at home.  Between work, life, and day to day to do list’s I attend their sports.  Volleyball.  Softball.  Rugby.  Tennis. Lacrosse.  I. AM. SO. TIRED.  And yes that baby of mine is now a week away from being two.  I don’t know if she is worse than all my others or if being 41 and having a two year old is what makes it harder.  All I know is she is everything I deserve when looking at the likeliness of Karma being a real thing.  Holy shit. Seriously.  I love her though.  From her toes to the tips of her curly wild hair.

I know I know… the above part isn’t what you are wanting to read. You want to know about HIM.  You guys are so faithful in your emails.  I try and reply I swear.  About your emails and my replies, I need to make a post on that!  Talk about some of your complex stories!  Wow!  You guys email me and I have to read your emails three and four times in complete disbelief and speechlessness when you ask me to reply with advice.  UMMMMM I don’t know what to do when your husband walks in on you showing your new bra to your boyfriend who happens to be his cousin and you all end up in jail, after which you end up having an affair with the District Attorney!  I’m just kidding-that isn’t really an email that I received, however they are some crazy situations!

Okay I’m rambling.  Maybe I’m trying to avoid crying.  Nothing is different.  I know that bores you and that isn’t what you want to read.

I think last I mentioned they were talking about moving out of state.  Well he found a job that really wants him.  His wife is on again and off again in wanting him to take it.  I totally get it and her feelings.  Everything she knows is here.  Their kids are all in school here with family here. It, (I imagine), is VERY hard to up and leave everything for a job that is in another state where you know nothing or anyone.  But the offer they gave him was amazing. The best job offer he has ever had.   Of course he says she is torn for different reasons, (which as a wife and mother I COMPLETELY get).  She is on the fence about moving her children.  Taking them out of their schools and that state that is the only  state they have known.  He said he’d go out first and find a place and get situated and let them finish school and move them out there in May.  One day she is for it, and the next she is against it.  And she swings.  Daily. He says he understands her basic feelings of hesitation.

The thing is I am super proud of him.  He always tries to better himself. Work hard at work and get things done.  Teach.  Take classes to better himself and when he feels stuck or like there is no movement at the job he is at he actively looks for new work and he has moved up in income and titles like you are supposed to strive to do.  I love that about him.  I fail to see that with my husband.  He would stay stagnant forever if he was comfortable.  That drives me crazy. Day to day. Easy come easy go.  Well that works for Jimmy Buffet but for the rest of us…..   it gets flipping old.

As you can imagine this has caused a storm of emotions in me.   Excited for him.  Proud of him. Happy for him. He deserves this.  He really, really does.  Regardless of his actions with me, he has worked very hard in life and truly deserves this job.  HOWEVER.  In telling him how very proud of him I am and how excited I am for him, my heart seriously feels like it is being ripped out of my body.  Now some of you get it. You’ve been here and walked in these shoes and have had to say goodbye or walk away.  Then,  some of you are laughing and telling your computer screens, “serves you right you stupid B….” we’ve been through this before.  I was the woman that judged others.  Pointed my fingers and said, “OH I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR”…. until you do.  So simmer down finger pointer. The comments don’t affect me anymore.  Because I was that commenter.

 

Yes, I’m sad.  Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I keep crying. Thing is nothing really will change.  We rarely see each other now, yet we talk every single day. Talking to him every single day isn’t going to change.  That will continue.  But knowing he isn’t 15 minutes away and that he is several states away is sad.  However lets be honest, I won’t dread running into them at a sporting event or restaurant anymore! :0)  However, I won’t be running into just him in some beautiful hotel room on the 9th floor overlooking the snow capped mountains either.  Of course this is just the icing on the emotional cake.  There have been a ton of conversations, and a ton of tears and evil hateful jealousy that wishes she’d tell him to go and to take his kids with him because she still wants a divorce approximately every eight weeks. But then that is that green in me.  At the end of the day he isn’t mine.

Oh and my husband…. same shit, different day.

Love to you all.  Thank you all for still being here.

-her

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Hello my blogging friends!

I am here but my life has been insane. 

My best friends baby died of sids.  She was six weeks old.  It has been heartbreaking. 

My family is doing great. 

I’ve gotten a ton of emails from all of you asking when I will blog again, and I promise I will get back to it.  I miss you all.   I miss reading blogs more though.   I just have three of my kids playing sports and my business gets a little crazy in the summer.   Know I am here and I am good!  Keep up your blogging so I have a great amount to read and catch up on when I get back!

Oh where or where has the author gone… Oh where oh where can she be?

I’m  here.   I’ve been so sick.  I swear I’ve been sick for two weeks.  I still have an ear infection that will not respond to antibiotics.  Crazy!  I’m trying to stay positive and not complain.

So I got an email from someone and I don’t ever talk about the emails I receive because I respect the things you guys tell me when we have conversations back and forth.  But I can share her story without giving it away because it has SOOOO much in common with so many emails I have gotten.   She was me in the beginning.  Hated men that cheated.  There was no excuse.  Angry at women who  had affairs with married men.  Well anyway her husband had an affair and after losing most respect for him found herself getting close to someone at work.  She, (as I was), was shocked at how innocently and easily it all started.  Talking, laughing, popping in to the others office to say hello and then wanting to know more about them and ‘planning how’ to bump into them to just have someone to talk to. She said, (like me), she felt safe having this person to talk to because like her HE was married too.   And over time, she grew to care about him and one thing lead to another.  And she said she looked at how judging she was to her husband.  She realized how easily it could start.  She said she originally hated the other woman until she was one.  Funny how that happens.  Like I said never judge because one day it could truly be you.  She said, (AS DID I), that I would never have an affair.  I would never cheat.   And look.  Now we are in the same boat.   I love the emails, and I never speak of them but I have heard this story, this version probably 20 times.  We all say we don’t know how it happens but it just does.    Now what does she do?  I told her to let me know if she figures it out. My suggestions were start a blog, and try TRY to not talk to HIM.  Easier said than done I know.

Lowest blow from my blog yet.

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It’s all so debatable.  Right from wrong.  Don’t you think?  Blurred lines.  That Grey area.  I would have never, (long, long ago), thought in any circumstance could an affair be understandable.  Ever.   I would have said women who cheat were whores and men were scum.  They were both home-wreckers.   Well, that is until now.  Well until 2010.  When I learned FIRST hand you shouldn’t be so quick to judge.  When you choose to blog you set yourself up for three things.  1. to get your words and feelings out.  2. To hopefully find some support or people who have “been there, done that” and can relate. And 3. Haters. Blamers.  Finger Pointers.  Judgers. Those who are somehow better than you.  Your skin gets thick pretty quick. But there are STILL those jabs that hurt.  To the commenter that said this: “God punishes in strange ways.  Maybe your baby died and his spirit was given to a more deserving woman because you had an affair you whore.”     FUCK YOU.   I’m pretty sure God, (since you seem to know what he does), is very proud of your mouth, your pointing fingers and name calling and oh… judging.

I might be too mad to blog… but I’ll try.

So my girlfriend called me and asked if I wanted to go out for sushi with the kids.  I said sure, (she is single and my husband is still out of town).  I called my husband when I was done with work, and talked to him on the phone.   He said he was watching a movie.   He kept disappearing from the conversation, foucsed on what he was watching to the point I finally said, “I’m going to let you go because obvisoulsy you are into what you are watching.”  (I was a little annoyed because I felt like I was working to hold his attention and I hadn’t talked to him all day).  He insisted NO! and that he was sorry and that he would look away from the TV and talk to me… well that lasted all of 1 minute until he was laughing at the show again.  I just said I was at the restraunt and let him go… annoyed.   After dinner I took my daughter to her Aunt’s house and dropped her off, she was invited to a sleep over with her cousin.  When I left there I tried to call him again.  He talked to me for a few minutes and stated they were going to go down and check out the pool at the hotel, (which was fine, I am sure they are bored just sitting in their room for week two now…) and he said, and I quote, “I’m going to go do the pool/hot tub thing, and when we are done I will text and skype you!  So I let him go, (at 8:30)  at 9:30 I texted, “Hows the pool?”  at 10 I texted, “STILL SWIMMING?” and attached a cute little icon thing from my iphone of a guy doing laps.  At 10:15 I sent a icon of a fish and said “GEESH are you almost done?”  At 11 I was pissed and decided to call.  He answers and says hey babe!  I said, “have you been ignoring me?”  He said, “No, the phone has been in my room and we have all been in the other room watching Repo wars, we didn’t go to the pool.”

WELL THATS FUCKING NICE BEING THAT I’VE WAITED TO TALK TO YOU BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU’D CALL ME

FUCKING ASSHOLE I’VE BEEN WAITING, BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO SKYPE.

YOU ASS I WOULD HAVE GONE SHOPPING WITH MY FRIEND, BUT YOU SAID YOU’D CALL ME SO I DIDN’T GO.

 

I then said, “what is wrong with you?  You sound funny, please tell me you are not high.”  (MY HEART SANK).

He said “NO we just had a couple of beers.”

A couple of beers wouldn’t make you slur.

I am so pissed I told him I was mad and that I was tired and I was going to bed.  I said I don’t care if you choose to have a drink, or whatever but don’t fucking tell me you are going to call me and then don’t.   And just so you know your drinking leads to pills and depression and that fucks up your marriage.

WHY DOES THIS SHIT MAKE ME SO ANGRY AND IRRATATED?!?!

THIS SUCKS!  BECAUSE NOW I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO.  WHEN MY HUSBAND TREATED ME LIKE THIS OR I HAD FEARS LIKE THIS I HAD HIM TO TALK TO…. NOW I DON’T (WHICH IS WHAT I WANT) BUT FUCK IT IS LONELY WHEN I FEEL THE WAVE COMING… THE WAVE THAT THROWS ME OUT TO SEA WHERE I HAVE TO BUST MY ASS TO GET BACK TO THE SHORE BUT IT PULLS MY HUSBAND UNDER.

Thing is he didn’t do anything wrong but have a good time with the guys and he is with his boss, I just am terrified it will go back to the way it was… don’t tell me you are going to call me if you aren’t.   Or call me and just say plans changed were all going to watch TV and hang out.  FINE, have fun, thats great!  Don’t leave me hanging and then answer after 11 trashed.