Life lately

 

I need to get back into the swing of things and start posting again.

I don’t want to bore anyone but things aren’t really different.

My husband and I had a big fight because my printer went out and I had to go buy a new one.  I had put the kids to bed and went to Target.  I got half way there and realized I forgot my credit card.   I turned around, came back home told my husband I forgot my card grabbed it off the desk, (where I had paid for my sons preschool curriculum, thus it being out of my wallet), and kissed him goodbye and headed BACK out the door.   I was excited to find a printer on sale from 60 dollars down to 34, and it came with ink cartridges so basically the printer was a great deal.   I was excited at such a save I treated myself to a super soft oversized sweater.  Fall is in the air and it is my favorite time of year.   I proceeded to the check out, and before leaving the store bought myself a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks.  Again, another one of my favorites.    I get in my car, drive the ten minutes home and come in the door.   I am holding my phone, my purse, the printer and the bag with the sweater.   I set all my things down and go back out to the car to retrieve my coffee.    Upon coming back in my husband is standing in the kitchen looking in the Target bag.  He had a funny look on his face.   I said, “I bought a cute sweater, its so soft!”  He turns and in a sharp voice says what took you so long, and why are you smiling?  You can’t really be THAT happy over a sweater and a printer.   I explained that it was nice to have a 45 minute break that included a coffee and a printer for 35 bucks with no children begging me to buy this and buy that.  At this time I am heating up a roll, because I wasn’t hungry when I fed the kids earlier.   He walks over to me and says,  well it was more like an hour and ten minutes that you were gone if you count (and he made parenthesis marks here) “FORGETTING” your card.   I looked at him and said, “what are you talking about”… he said “you never FORGET your card, it seems to me you were needing a way to find an extra 15 minutes to fuck someone which would explain why you smell like condoms.”

UMMMMMMM WHAT AND FUCK YOU.

I have a printer.   I have coffee.   I talked to my mom on the way to the store the first time and my sister on the way the second.   I understand my actions can and will bring things like this up, but I haven’t done anything since we decided to work on us.  And lets not forget that when I DID do something you had taken a hike for nearly two and a half years to be a fucking rock star.  He got really quiet.    I was mortified. Being accused when I had done nothing.    Then I felt guilty because I had done something in the past to give him these feelings of insecurity.   My fault.

So he apologized to me the next day.   I was still hurt and really pissed off but in this awkward place because his feelings are my fault.  I still don’t know how I smelt like condoms… ?  He said the smell was on my hands when I showed him the receipt excited about the price I got the printer for.

Last night in the middle of the night he started rubbing my back and sliding his hands under my tank top.  I laid there annoyed acting as if I were asleep.  Seconds later he was climbing on top of me trying to kiss me and open my legs with his own.  I closed my legs and just looked at him and said, I know in the past I made choices that hurt you, and I will never forgive myself for doing that to you, however, I can’t change the past and you really hurt my feelings the other day.    I had done nothing.   Been nowhere. Seen no one.   And come home and you throw that at me.      He said that he said he was sorry.    I told him I knew he was sorry but that it bothers me that he would say things like that with no proof when he knows how wrong we both were in this mess and how much we both hurt each other.   He at this point climbs back off of me and I roll over away from him.   I was so thankful he got off of me.  I found myself for the first time ever not wanting to be intimate with him.   That has NEVER happened.     I’m not sure what he thought about it either.   Needless to say that is where we are. I don’t know why it hurts so much to be accused of something you didn’t do even if it is something you have done in the past.

Can I just say…

If you follow me because you had an affair, or your husband had an affair, or your wife had an affair or you just find this drama fun to read about,  go buy this book!   Here is the review:   When It Happens to You.    Its about a husband who had an affair….  and what it does to their marriage/life/parenting.   Read the review but I suggest you get the book too! 

You remember Molly Ringwald right?  Who could forget her?  The Breakfast Club was my favorite, (still is).  Anyway she grew up.  She has written a really great book!  I’m about halfway through and I think we can all relate one way or the other.   It’s made me think a lot for sure.   Granted its a novel, but it is something we can all relate to especially if you are all here.   Let it be your last summer read!

Hope you all are having a great day!

Cheers!

And you wonder why he fucked around….

I didn’t scope your husband out.

I didn’t see you and think I’m going to fuck her husband.

I didn’t PLAN to have an affair.

I didn’t assume we would click.

I didn’t know one thing would lead to another.

I didn’t think I’d connect with him like I did.

I didn’t think we’d laugh until we cried at nothing that had to do with you.

I didn’t think we’d share things and situations with each other that were heartbreaking.  To the point that we both shed tears.

I didn’t think that we would support each other and encourage each other when things at *HOME* were bad and DID suck.

I didn’t think that I’d start to look forward to seeing him because of all the emotion we shared.

I didn’t think I could be intimate with him.

In our case it wasn’t like we just jumped in the sack or fucked in the backseat of a car.

We talked about it for a long time… made sure that was where we wanted to go.  It wasn’t like we waited a week either.   It was almost a year.  It was a step that was SERIOUSLY thought about… with the consequences in mind.

His love for you was never doubted.  It was known.  He just was tired of being a thing to you and not a person.

The things he shared with me, he said not even you knew because you said, “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT OR TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY”.

And guess what?  I know that was the truth because SEVERAL times I heard you say that to him.

He is a human.

He has feelings.

And needs.

Just because he is this big, strong, providing man doesn’t mean you don’t have to care for him and love him.   He has a heart.  He bleeds.  He hurts.  He is human.

You, (even in front of me),  have always been so mean and hurtful and rude to him.  You often put him down in front of others.  Belittled his efforts.  Laughed at him when he failed.   I’ll never forget him swerving to avoid an accident,  (saving your family) and you posted on facebook that “HE SWERVED IN SUCH A DUMB ASS WAY THAT IT SCRATCHED YOUR VAN ON THE WALL BY THE HEADLIGHT’.     FOR FUCKS SAKE, YOUR FAMILY IS ALIVE FROM HIM SWERVING.

A man can only take so much of that.  Add that to all the shit I was taking and dealing with from my husband and its no wonder we connected.

Please be kind to him.

We were both so hurt by the two people that were SUPPOSED to love us the  most.

So keep it up and I promise you his ass will land in someone else’s arms again.

He looks so down, and alone, and broken.   Love him damnit.  Seriously, put your hands on him and LOVE the man that has been given to you to love.

So you don’t think you could have an affair? Yeah thats what I thought too.

I doesn’t matter who you are.   You can be a average working Joe, or a million dollar film director.   You can be a stay at home mom or a military dad.  You can be  Christian, Jewish or have no religion at all.  You can be tall, short, heavy set or thin.  You can be you or you can be me.  The thing is you can have an affair.   If the moments were right and you were hurting at home and someone was there to love you, (who wanted to love you and be loved) it can happen.  Yes we know right from wrong.   But it is so hard to explain how it starts.  That one fine wire that you cross knowing you are doing wrong is covered up or made blurry by all the good you feel.  Pretty soon you don’t even focus on the bad, the guilt or the negative.   You are just happy.  Your needs are somehow instantly being met.  Sometimes its emotional.  Sometimes sexual.  Sometimes both.  Sometimes it truly is just feeling like someone asked you how your day was and REALLY cared about your answer.  You know, didn’t ask you out of habit.    I don’t understand how quickly it happens and how quickly it is over.   Sometimes no one knows anything and you just come to your senses.  Sometimes you get caught.  Sometimes one side finds out.  Regardless, somehow, someday, somewhere MOST affairs fall apart.  And when they do, down fall the pieces of lives all around you of people that were affected by your choices.  Your happiness that you felt during your amazing affair, is somewhere in the back of your mind and you can barely see it or feel it because you are so focused on the hurt you are feeling from your actions. Hurt that you wish you would have known would be coming.  Hurt that exceeds ANY and ALL reasons you had an affair to begin with.  Then when the dust of our actions starts to fall, and healing and repairing begin, up come those feelings of missing that OTHER person.  You see things that make you think.  Hear things that make you remember.  You can go from fine to a total panic attack over the lost person in your life that you grew to love.  And understand most will admit love.  I know I loved HIM.  I know he loved me.   You don’t talk to someone for nearly two years, every single day and not develop feelings.   Those three little words WERE exchanged.  Through tears a couple times.   I am so tired of being judged.   I am so tired of the way people look at you for being “That Whore that nearly destroyed THEIR marriage”.   He made the choices too.  With me.   We both did. Neither of us was right.  We BOTH made bad choices.  And you judging assholes better be careful, because one day something will happen that you could be standing in my shoes, (or HIS) and the way you react either makes you a human or a human.   Either way, you are a human being with feelings, needs, emotions and longing somehow for some reason for something more.

My weekend away.

Why hello my blogging friends!  I haven’t posted in about four or five days, because my husband and I and our kids went to our cabin.   I had mixed emotions about doing so but over all we had a good time.

We have a cabin about 20 minutes west of Winter Park.  Its fun, its beautiful and its peaceful.  However I have a hard time up there for a few reasons.

1. I am VERY addicted to my cell phone.  My phone, (an iPhone lol) does everything.  I can blog, email, Facebook, text, make calls… you name it.  But I can’t up there, I have no reception to do so.   So I felt like my hands were empty and like I had nothing to do…. which brings me to problem number 2.

2. When you have nothing to do other than sit back and relax and do nothing, your mind finds things to do…  I thought about life a lot this weekend.

Am I happy?

What is it I seem to be missing in life?

Am I being the best wife I can be?

Am I being the best mom I can be?

Do I get enough alone time, for me, (not selfishly)?

******

So my husband and I had some pretty good talks up there.  The kids played, had a good time.  About 6 years ago my husband built a ‘mini-cabin’ playhouse for the kids on our property… it is just like a little A-frame cabin but kid size… it looks like a little house, but it is the size of a shed.  He built in windows, a loft and ran electricity to it from our cabin.  He put in bamboo hard wood, carpeted the loft,  He built a little counter top and a latter that climbs to the loft.  I hung curtains,  put in a play kitchen and bought the play ‘cooking toys’  and put lots of kid stuff in the loft like coloring and board games.   My husband and I rarely saw the kid lol!  They played in the playhouse most of the weekend.  The weather up there was amazing and we sat out on our cabins deck swinging on the porch swing that faces the playhouse and just talked.   Things are good, communication, laughter and sex for sure, its just not as intense as it once was… I don’t know what it is or even how to explain it.   I don’t have that massive excitement to see him or be with him and that overwhelming sadness/dread when he leaves.   The emotions of being with HIM were so intense… I miss feeling THAT way.   That feeling like I want nothing more than to be with this person.   I don’t know what gives you that feeling.   I don’t think it is love alone, because I love my husband.  I am wondering if it just the love that you have for someone who hasn’t hurt you in any way.

So in thinking this weekend I realize I have the love, and the caring and the affection and the desire for this relationship with my husband.

And it occurred to me what it is that I am missing that I had with HIM.   (NO WAYWARD I AM NOT COMPARING THEM I AM JUST COMPARING MY FEELINGS… I WANT TO GET MY FEELINGS/EMOTIONS WITH MY HUSBAND TO HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM)..

So as I was saying, it occurred to me what it is that I am missing.  It dawned on me in the middle of the night laying next to my loving husband.

I am missing the Passion.

Thats it.  That is what it is.  That is the only thing that I can find that is different.   How do I get that back??

Guess who I ran into?

I stood behind a bookshelf and watched in total shock and like a little girl watching a unicorn, not believing my eyes as to what I was seeing.  Not wanting to scare him away or be seen by him.  Filling my mind with the way he looked without his wife and without me… I’ve never watched him that way.  I wasn’t being a stalker, lol he came to the same place (YES BY ACCIDENT) that I was, I only watched for seconds, and I was a good girl and quietly left, holding back tears….

I wonder if I cross HIS mind.

I wonder if he ever just wants to walk out the door and come talk to me.

I wonder if he ever lays awake at night like me just thinking about our year and a half.

I wonder if he misses his limo job.

I wonder if he sees the moon and thinks of all our nights together.

I wonder if he watches baseball remembering the game we went to.

I wonder if he is still talked down to.

I wonder if he sees limo’s drive by if he thinks of our encounters.

I wonder if when he drives by the three different hotels we stayed in what thoughts fill his mind.

I wonder if he respects the way I quietly walked away.

I wonder if he wishes I would have fought for us.

I wonder if he regrets telling her?

I just saw him last night.  He looks so fucking miserable.

You would be so proud of me.  I saw him and my heart sank..  it physically hurt.  I got this bubble in my throat.  My eyes started to sting.  I told myself several times I am NOT going to cry, I am NOT going to cry.  I watched from afar at how beautiful he is.  I remember him touching me and telling me how much he loved me.   I smiled at the memory, grabbed my book and walked away.  I don’t think he saw me, although a teeny tiny part of me wished he had and would have chased after me.  NOT to start anything… just to have that final conversation I want to have with him so bad in person.  I’ve said before I want a final goodbye, without a text.  Without an email.  Without spouses holding back what we really want to say…

Damn I loved him.  I think I will forever.

I think that walking away and not talking to him was a great goodbye for me.

Its just funny how one glance fills your head with thoughts… not of what to do, (I’m over that part) but just in remembering.

I might be too mad to blog… but I’ll try.

So my girlfriend called me and asked if I wanted to go out for sushi with the kids.  I said sure, (she is single and my husband is still out of town).  I called my husband when I was done with work, and talked to him on the phone.   He said he was watching a movie.   He kept disappearing from the conversation, foucsed on what he was watching to the point I finally said, “I’m going to let you go because obvisoulsy you are into what you are watching.”  (I was a little annoyed because I felt like I was working to hold his attention and I hadn’t talked to him all day).  He insisted NO! and that he was sorry and that he would look away from the TV and talk to me… well that lasted all of 1 minute until he was laughing at the show again.  I just said I was at the restraunt and let him go… annoyed.   After dinner I took my daughter to her Aunt’s house and dropped her off, she was invited to a sleep over with her cousin.  When I left there I tried to call him again.  He talked to me for a few minutes and stated they were going to go down and check out the pool at the hotel, (which was fine, I am sure they are bored just sitting in their room for week two now…) and he said, and I quote, “I’m going to go do the pool/hot tub thing, and when we are done I will text and skype you!  So I let him go, (at 8:30)  at 9:30 I texted, “Hows the pool?”  at 10 I texted, “STILL SWIMMING?” and attached a cute little icon thing from my iphone of a guy doing laps.  At 10:15 I sent a icon of a fish and said “GEESH are you almost done?”  At 11 I was pissed and decided to call.  He answers and says hey babe!  I said, “have you been ignoring me?”  He said, “No, the phone has been in my room and we have all been in the other room watching Repo wars, we didn’t go to the pool.”

WELL THATS FUCKING NICE BEING THAT I’VE WAITED TO TALK TO YOU BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU’D CALL ME

FUCKING ASSHOLE I’VE BEEN WAITING, BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO SKYPE.

YOU ASS I WOULD HAVE GONE SHOPPING WITH MY FRIEND, BUT YOU SAID YOU’D CALL ME SO I DIDN’T GO.

 

I then said, “what is wrong with you?  You sound funny, please tell me you are not high.”  (MY HEART SANK).

He said “NO we just had a couple of beers.”

A couple of beers wouldn’t make you slur.

I am so pissed I told him I was mad and that I was tired and I was going to bed.  I said I don’t care if you choose to have a drink, or whatever but don’t fucking tell me you are going to call me and then don’t.   And just so you know your drinking leads to pills and depression and that fucks up your marriage.

WHY DOES THIS SHIT MAKE ME SO ANGRY AND IRRATATED?!?!

THIS SUCKS!  BECAUSE NOW I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO.  WHEN MY HUSBAND TREATED ME LIKE THIS OR I HAD FEARS LIKE THIS I HAD HIM TO TALK TO…. NOW I DON’T (WHICH IS WHAT I WANT) BUT FUCK IT IS LONELY WHEN I FEEL THE WAVE COMING… THE WAVE THAT THROWS ME OUT TO SEA WHERE I HAVE TO BUST MY ASS TO GET BACK TO THE SHORE BUT IT PULLS MY HUSBAND UNDER.

Thing is he didn’t do anything wrong but have a good time with the guys and he is with his boss, I just am terrified it will go back to the way it was… don’t tell me you are going to call me if you aren’t.   Or call me and just say plans changed were all going to watch TV and hang out.  FINE, have fun, thats great!  Don’t leave me hanging and then answer after 11 trashed.

And he is off again….

My husband:

 

left again tonight for another five days.  This sucks.

Its almost like there is so much to do during the weekend from him being gone an entire week that it is impossible to have any one on one time.  I miss him already and he only left five hours ago.  We had a good weekend.  I slept so good on Friday and Saturday night and he let me sleep in both days.  I have been having such issue sleeping.

Today I felt bad.  My husband was truly in pain, (having a gallbladder attack) and it instantly puts me in a shitty mood.  It instantly puts me in a mood of being angry and irratated.  How sad.  One should be sad and concerned if their spouse is hurting.  It instantly makes me doubt him.

How bad is he REALLY hurting?

Is he really hurting at all?

Is he really in pain, or does he just want pills?

I feel bad.  I feel guilty kind of.  How long will it take the hurt of all that to go away?

I told him today I am sorry if I didn’t seem sympathetic to his pain, it just happened to bring up feelings of him taking my pills and lying about it, and it lead to you leaving for two years because he got so addicted.   My doctor said it is the hardest addiction to kick.  My doctor also said the problem with this kind of an addiction is, there will be a time where every person who has been addicted to pain pills is in pain, needing medication… which is where the cycle starts.. so they have to really pay attention to how they treat his pain.  I felt bad for him because you could tell he was hurting.  But it still brought those feelings out in me.

When he left on his trip he took the advil, and the heating pad, but didn’t say one word about pills. I am proud of him.  He is still bunking with his boss.  That I am happy about.

**********************

Me:

I’m tired.

The end.   I’ll blog more tomorrow.

Interesting to read.

Great article!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/cut-the-small-talk-deep-conversations-lead-happiness

 

I have said time and time again on this blog that I think HIM and I got to such a close emotional place because of the six months of deep conversations we had prior to even meeting.  This article made me think of that.  I truly was happy.  I truly think I would have been happy just talking forever…

And one more makes THREE!

Thank you guys all so much, I really, really do appreciate this!  I love you all… your blogs and the fact that you follow and read mine!

XOXOXO